Child Hood Dreams And Rose Tinted Glasses!!!

[evie's mummy]

Hi Guys! Never really posted on the mature section before but feel that this is probably the best place for a bit of a confidence boost. I owned and rode loads of ponio's right up to late teens then had the BIG break for husband and kids and that sort of thing. After nearly 20 years got back into horses last year and thought yeehaa my dreams of owning another hoss are all coming true. Only trouble is its becoming more of a nightmare. First purchased horse became a nightmare ending up with her sadly being PTS (I've already posted all her history on previous threads so won't bore you all again!) I've now fufilled all my dreams by moving to a farm and having gee gees at home. You would think I would be shouting Yipee!! But I'm not!!! Its all gone bl**dy wrong. I've been badly kicked resulting in a badly busted arm. I've been bitten and my previously sensible laid back cob has got so attached to my son's little pony that I cannot hack out. He naps horribly spinning round and running backwards into ditches, dragging me through hedges etc. :eek: I've not got a menage at home (I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who is providing one by the summer) Soooo I dread riding him and pray that its raining so I'm justified in not getting on! I am so scared in all respects now with horses, I cannot ever remember feeling like this as a child. Am I just looking back through the proverbial rose-tinted? or have any other of you slightly older hossey people found the same.

I feel a bit of a spoilt brat 'cos this is what most people who love to have but I didn't anticipate the FEAR factor creeping in!!:o

Any confidence boosts would be greatfully appreciated!!!!

[bexj]

Sounds like you are having a nightmare. Is there any way you can move back to a livery yard for a while, whilst you regain some confidence and get the support of other people? Failing that, can you enlist the help of an instructor or RA to come and give you some support at home?

I don't think anyone would think you are a spoiled brat, and whilst I often dream about gazing out of the kitchen window at my herd of neddies grazing peacefully in yonder pasture, I then take a reality check and know that it ain't all roses.

You certainly aren't alone in this, as reading NR will show, but, given time, help, willpower and determination, you will be able to regain some roses.....

Hope your arm feels better soon:)

[Little Dolphins]

I sympathise! The fear factor is blurry orrible isn't it? It seems to be wrapped up in the parcel marked " For Adults Only" :p

Fear has certainly taken the shine off my dream-come-true of having my own hoss. It never occurred to me that I'd feel scared of riding.
I've got a photo of myself aged 10, confidently aboard a pony, propped up by this pc, where I can use it to remind myself of the pure bliss:D

My advice is to get some ridden help with your cob, someone who can help sort out the napping thing. Take a back seat for a while, do all the horsey chores, and love and feed and groom and talk to your horsey. Take the pressure off and don't 'beat yourself up', as they say.

Gradually, you'll feel less daunted. It worked for me, anyway.

Thinkin of ya!

[loopyh]

I have to agree with the others in that I think you should either move to a livery or get someone to come and help you. Don't pray for rain as an excuse - spend some time on the ground and give yourself time to build your confidence again. I'm no expert and don't own a horse but it sounds like your putting pressure on yourself by feeling you have to ride a few weeks where you agree with yourself that you will only work from the ground and then slowly build the riding up again will probably do you the world of good and there must be a way of reducing the attachment to your sons pony to eventually allow you to hack out.

[Stella2]

I sympathise too. I only met a horse for the first time in my 40s, the last 5 years have been a rollar coaster of pleasure, nasty incidents, fear, a bit more pleasure etc.

I agree with the other posters about either moving to livery for a while until you are in the swing again, or getting a very good instructor or RA out to you a couple of times a week for a little while. Also, is there only your cob and the pony? If so, you might get some improvement by adding a third, it may dilute the attachment a bit.

Good luck and let us know how its going :)

[Mehitabel]

i must admit i wouldn't have my horses at home - in an isolated situation with nobody to help, and the horses having less company it can go wrong. pair bonding is very common, especially when it's only two together - in a bigger herd it still happens, but is likely to be much elss intense.

i'd put them into livery and get over this hump while your arm recovers, and look on it as a learning curve.

[loopyh]

I think the idea of either buying another pony/horse for company would be good or is renting a stable or two out a possibility? It really depends if you have the stables and of course the fields but it would mean company for you plus some money coming in. Best plan for now whilst your arm recovers is the livery I would think.

[Kecka~Rocka]

Aww bless you i feel for you and i do know how you feel.

To gain control again and improve your confidence i can only recomend a good riding instructor that will come and help you, they will help you so much, i sure of it. If you not happy about riding dont push yourself to much maybe hack out with somebody else for a while and do ground work but my best advice is get a RI!!!!

Keep us posted on your progress and fingers crossed this situating will pass quickly :)

[Teehee]

Sorry, to hear about your arm! :(

I'm a new pony owner... and at first like you say, It's a dream come true... being on a farm with your own ponies... but I have to say I was terrified of them... I had my Dad help me with the turn out... the one tried barging out of the pen once... scared the poop out of me... I gave her heck... and put her in her place...since that is not acceptable!!! Then once they were in the fields I'd be shaking in my boots, sweating... you name it... obviously my fear had kicked in!!! :o It's very frustrating... It had always been my dream to have horses... and I had ridden for a couple years... but then when it came down to the real situation of owning one... boy things change... I realised I really knew nothing about horses... as for handling... :rolleyes: but I've learnt to be patient... new enviorments takes adjusting for the horses plus for us... I was wishing like you that it would rain... so I wouldn't have to ride them... because I wasn't prepared... but you have to listen to your feelings... when you're prepared and feel ok with the horses... give it a try!!!

Now, I can do turnout by myself, putting both out at the same time... :D I've finally trusted them and know they don't have bad intentions... But it took two months... just to get this far... I still have to start riding... I feel I'm prepared now... and now just waiting for the sun to come out...

So, patience... and if possible get someone to help you sort out your cob... I had my Dad walking on the other side of her, while I was longeing... but I got her to do what I wanted... and that's a starter!!! :) So, it may seem like your going backwards instead of forwards... but I've found in my case, it was necessary to start from the beggining... ground work ... then work up... And I'm a lot happier and got my confidence back!!! :)

Sorry for the long story... I hope it helps! :)

[KateWooten]

Yep - me too.... I Finally achieved my life long dream and brought my first pony home 2 years ago. Very shortly after that I had a screaming rearing, fighting dangerous mare on one hand, and when her companion arrived atfter a month not only was I in hospital, kicked in the face, but the pony was all ripped up having gone through the fence ... 2 horses, can't be separated, one of them aggressive out of control needing daily wound care, the other scared, abused untouchable ... and phenominally herd-boud the pair of them. It was awful.

But you know, you'll just calmly set about fixing each thing as you get to it, sorting out facilities to make things easier, reading, learning and talking to people ... and it will all gradually fall into place - it really DOES get easier, honest. It's just a steep learning curve at first. I'm not sure it's rose-tinted so much as .. when we're kids, we mostly get to do the fun part, and someone else mostly has done the logistics without us knowing. Sorting out the facilities, making sure fencing was safe etc - that was a huge and scary deal for me this time around - which I'd never even thought of as a kid when I kept a pony on someone else's land, and had to worry about nothing more than sticking to their rules.

[doris]

Firstly, no, you are definitely not alone in this. As youngsters, we don't feel fear like we do when we're older. There are loads of things you probaly did when young that you wouldn't dream of now. We get more sensible and feel fear more, and, there are often children to care for, so it makes sense not to take risks and put yourself in a dangerous position.
Horses do get very attached to each other, and I think loads of us have had this problem. My own cob mare always charges around when I take the pony out for a hack, and when I take the cob out, she behaves similar to what you describe with your boy.
Remember, riding is'nt the b-all and end-all of horse owning - I only ride when I feel like it, not because I think I have to just because I have two horses.
You are going back to horse owning after a long break, so may need to brush up your skills and knowleadge, I know I had to do this several years ago.
You could try doing some ground work with your horse if you have somewhere suitable, even if it is a relatively small stable yard. Do some leading work, and you could try with the riding, by just going for a short distance, stopping, then when steady, bring him home. Perhaps you could gradually increase the distance.
Books to help you: Obviously anything by Linda Tellington Jones - her new one 'The Ultimate Horse Behaviour and Training Book' is great and will give you loads to do with your horse.
Kelly Marks - Perfect Partners and Perfect Manners.

[lisae]

KateW is so right, it does all work out! I am in a similar situation, with horses at home. It’s a trade-off, they are so convenient and easy to care for BUT there is no one to offer support and help as in when you are boarding them. It can get discouraging and also there is less incentive to ride through the fear as once actually on board there is no one to ride with or goals to meet.

I also had some napping problems with my older well trained mare, I took to walking her away from the house by hand, but then she wouldn’t let me get on! One time I had to stop at a relative’s house and have hubby’s nephew hold the horse – he was home on leave from the military with his fresh short hair cut and big muscles, it was such a laugh: I had to call out the Marines to get on this horse.

We solved that because a new riding school opened only a 20 min. walk from home, I would walk her over every Saturday and take lessons. We got so much better with some input from the RI and support. I’ve also in the past had trainers come to the house to help me with the horses, seeing them handled successfully and behaving for someone else always helps.

I've also sent horses for more training but I know it's sometimes hard to find the money to support horses and also send them for more training.

[evie's mummy]

Thanks for all your help peeps! The answers given pretty much agree with what I've been mulling over. The option to keep at livery is not possible because after buying this place in order to keep the neddies at home there's not alot of spare money going around to then pay for livery!;)

I have mulled over the idea of getting a companion horse to try and dilute the pair bonding and also maybe just lightly hack myself just to get my love of riding back. A friend has also asked if she can bring a horse here in a couple of months so that should really really help.

I think using a RI is a great idea but I have a bit of a confidence problem with that in that in my area they all seem to be very 'posh' dressage/event horses and when I turn up on my scruffy cob, who sticks up two horsey fingers to ever working in an outline:p my confidence plummets a little bit more. Bit of a vicious circle really. I suppose I'll have to bit the bullet and go for it!

I've not anyone to hack out with yet but hopefully that will change if my friend brings her horse over so hopefully by summer everything should be rosy. I suppose I'm just worrying as my cob is still young and green (going on 6) and i'm thinking that if I leave it too long is he going to be to old to train? What do you think, is there a cut off time that horses need to be brought on by? I know I sound ridiculous but I hear other horsey people saying their neddies have now done jumping/x country/dressage clinics and I think crikey we haven't accomplished standing still to get on yet:o

[lisae]

I would be interested in the feedback on this question too, as my almost 5 yr old mare was given 30 days training as a 3-yr old, I had about three supervised rides on her at the walk, and then all last year nothing but some occasional lunging.

So is she going to be "too old" if she goes yet another year without additional training? Her ground manners have had some back sliding but if I worked more with her I know she'd come back quickly in that regard.

[KateWooten]

If you want to sell your horses for $100,000 following great success in the futurities.. .then yes, you two have missed the boat. However, if you're looking for a long-term stable relationship with your horses ... then slower is better. The horse does not give a hoot that others of his age are winning Sj comps, or looking fancy in hunters ... in fact your slower brought on horse, if asked, would most likely just make a contented woofly noise and put his snout back down in the grass :)

The one single problem that I'me seeing (and this is the US not the UK, mind) is horses brought on too young. I see a gazillion problems with backs, lameness, sacroilliac problems (I know, like what ??? but I'm hearing of bunches of these ) ... and quite a lot of these are from pushing a young horse too far too fast ... and it's worse with a 'well trained' young horse because they've successfully got the idea of wanting to please their trainer and they don't scream and shout when things start to hurt.

The only thing I would be concerned about, particularly lisae, is if there is an unresolved problem that is not allowing the horse to progress ?

[icegirl]

Just wanted to join others who had expressed solidarity for your situation. You might notice some similar things from some of my threads!
I can see your situation from the financial point of view but having a friend along should definitely help.
I smiled at the "scruffy cob" bit because I am definitely of the "mountain bike" rather than "racing model" style of horse riding and got the horse to match. I was terrified of being surrounded by Felicity Fotherington Smythe types. However, my RI is lovely and down to earth and not remotely like that - Im sure if you look around you will find a kindred spirit. A lot of the natural horsemanship types seem more sympatico. Our yard is full of people who are completely broke and not posh, but all very nice people.
Its a bit like children I think - all the stages of development pose different challenges and at the time it seems insurmountable, but then you look back a few months later and realise you solved it and now you have a different challenge! So you move onto the next thing.
Good luck in your endeavours.

[lisae]

Evie's M the third horse idea is a good one, it does help change the herd dynamics and it's helpful that you can then ride away and the one left behind isn't winding up and running about screaming for the horse you are trying to ride!

and don't worry about the posh folks vs the cob fans, I was on a Haflinger and most didn't know what she was! (A short palimino QH was the usual guess...)

I don't want to hijack your thread but as to KW's thought about not allowing the horse to progress, that is too true as at age 50 I am having confidence issues about bringing along a youngster.... a good topic for a new thread.

[Fillygal]

I think using a RI is a great idea but I have a bit of a confidence problem with that in that in my area they all seem to be very 'posh' dressage/event horses and when I turn up on my scruffy cob, who sticks up two horsey fingers to ever working in an outline:p my confidence plummets a little bit more. Bit of a vicious circle really. I suppose I'll have to bit the bullet and go for it!


Awwwww - I think alot of us on here have had similar experience but there are some brill instructors out there - I bought my first horse at 45 after returning to riding for just two years - impulse buy I'm afraid and I'm not sure who was greener me or him:rolleyes: - result - I went downhill fast - literally:eek: :eek: - lost all my confidence and there began a deep rooted fear of riding - I just couldn't believe the dream wasn't the reality-

Luckily I was on a lovely Yard the the owner saw the potential of the cob I had and I sold him on - he is still there now and well cared for and its nice I can pop up and see how he is doing.

But now 7 years on - I decided although I had the fear factor I just wasn't happy not riding - so returned to my local riding school and through the brilliance of in particular 2 riding instructors I've come on leaps and bounds - enjoying fun dressage, drill work and hacks out -

The school I go to isn't the prettiest in the world, but its friendly and not snobby so when I go I feel relaxed and at home with no one pre judging my ability!!

There are some absolutely brilliant instructors out there and I'm sure if you can find the right one, in a wee while you'll be able to work through the issues and return to enjoying your riding and needies again - so go on Gal - Bite that Bullet:) :) :)

[Murasaki]

Hi Evie's Mummy and all on this thread. Have been having real problems too with pair-bonding - my 16.3 draft-X is so attached to daughter's pony that I can't ride out alone and am having to get RI to ride him to try and get him used to separation - he reared a week ago when she took him out. I feel it is getting better but this lousy weather means I can't even get himn out of the field safely at moment :( I have been thinking about a 3rd.........would appreciate any advice about this from anyone...? I only got my horse in September and I have had suuuuch a steep learning curve - not pleasant at times and even scary at others. I sometimes feel guilty too for not riding but I hope that better weather and less mud will help.

[oldbushy]

I hear you loud and clear everyone about the isolation and therefore loss of incentive to get out there when there is dusting to be done etc. I think the mistake we ALL make me included is we have more than 1 horse. They bond they fret if the other one is not in sight. 10 Years ago I only had 1 horse and he was a welsh pony who didn't mind being on his own. A handful but I rode him everyday and loved it. Now I have 2 big boys to manage, you can't take 1 out without them both going silly. I'm lucky enough that I'm so isolated that I occassionally take out the old villian and bubby just runs along beside. You can do this with some horses. Could'nt do it the other way round cos the older villain would take off and never be able to be caught and I'd be left hanging on for dear life to my younger out of control boy.. Now how attached is your son to this pony. Just a suggestion please don't take offence but is it possible for you to sell both and just buy a quiet old horse who doesn't mind being on his own that both you and your son can ride? We had this situation for a while when my daughter was young and we often used to double dink bareback for a walk out on the bush track. It worked well the horse was calm and we were happy to be in this together just talking. sometimes one of us would get off and walk. It was handy always having one of us to help out and it seemed to keep the horse calm. When I first got my old horse a young friend used to come out and of course she wanted to thunder through the bush with me on the ground puffing and panting so then we started taking the pushbike which the horse doesn't mind and I'd just cycle along qietly behind while she's off jumping ditches and logs. But OH NO now I've got the dilemma of 2 horses
and you don't seem to get motivated as much as it's all too hard. Mind you just handling them on the ground etc you do get better and calmer. Also when your arm is better can you just ride naughty cob round the farm with the pony tagging along. Slowly at first. The only thing I have to watch doing this is that my young thoroughbred likes to excidedly thunder up beside us and kick out at us sideways. One day I thought I was going to die from this so I have to watch him and when I see this coming I just say to him whew steady and he doesn't do it. I hope you sort it out. If you find that continuing with them both is sending your confidence further down the drain and you are thinking of tossing the whole thing in and getting rid of the horses then maybe try the other option of only 1 horse. Can you ride your son's pony too or is he too small? I think if you get a horse that doesn't mind being on his own you'd be amazed at the difference in your nerves. Sorry to hear about your bad start. Congradulations however on having a farm its great isn't it. I still have to pinch myself everyday to believe how lucky I am and good luck with your progress.
Kindest regards Oldbushy