Neglecting Your Family?

[Rarah]

I've probably got too much time on my hands today at work, but it just dawned on me how selfish I am being....

Although I'm on a limited budget and struggling to make ends meet I managed to pay the following at the weekend

£260 livery (for the month)
£52 shoes for Logic
£30 clipping before I go on an outing at the weekend
£50 transport for our trip
£15 entry fees
£20 lesson on Friday

Now I know I dont do this much every weekend, but I'm feeling bad. My nine year old daughter needed new school shoes and I traipsed her all around the shopping centre on Sunday afternoon - she wanted some for £25 and I managed to save £10 by buying the ones she didn't really want. How bad do I feel now? :(

If I had any money left I treat her but I'm skint.

PLEASE CALL CHILDLINE NOW!!!

[rubysmum]

dont know if this will make you feel better or not - but at least you will know you are not alone - i work at a livery yard every week end & my daughter has to get up at 6.30 every am & come with me - rain or shine - the money is really just for my hoss - if we only had her pony there would be no problem afording it - my working means that she misses out on sleepovers & doing non-hoss stuff at wk ends - i do feel a bit mean but i really want a hoss - i suppose it is about wanting to put our needs before our childrens' & all the received wisdom on parenting says that we should be self sacrificing - maybe also its about degrees of neglect - your daughter does have a new pair of shoes - i think it only counts as neglect if you actually put yr horses clip BEFORE your daughters' feet:)

[Chinarider]

Rarah, you are so not alone:rolleyes:

Every weekend my son gets dragged to the yard even though he doesnt want to , and has to wait for my daughter and I to finish faffing about. we rarely do what he wants, and he doesnt get to have his friends over very often.

But I figure when he gets to be 30 he will blame me for his crappy childhood what ever !!;)

[Denbenj]

I must admit in all honesty..I always ensure my horse has everything it needs however he would never come before my family. Dont feel upset because you hunted for shoes in sale! hehe I do the same..why pay full price! I saved up and got Kai a western saddle.. that was my treat ( well the horses)

You have to treat yourself once in a while to.. which you have and good on you!



However I dont have a horsebox or trailer.. I dont have a brand new expensive saddle and bridle, I dont feel I particually need one either.
My horse is happy and I get alot of pleasure out of owning him he is in no-way negelected opposed to somebody who has to let everyone know how much his there new saddle and top of the range horsebox cost.. or the new range rover pulling the trailer!!

Possessions dont impress me whatsoever, What I like to see is somebody who clearly cares for there animals, and makes time for there family to the perfect balance

You will sometimes find the people who dont have to brag about stuff, to try and make others feel bad..will be the people who have a DB9 parked in the garage lol !

[Bobbin]

I do feel bad about how much I spend on Bry and I'm not even lavish.

DH wants a new car as his one is pretty awful but mean old me has said no and here's me with my new horsebox.

There are more practical reasons for not letting him have a new car, main one being he won't be here for alot od this year to drive it and thats the knock on effect of me having a box to.

Mmmmmmm am feeling bad now.

[Joyscarer]

I have just posted about this on another thread. For me it is not so much about the money I spend and the time I spend. I spend for more time on all things horsey than I do in looking after my home and family :o

[jenren!!]

£260 livery (for the month)

I dont really know what its like, because im only young and havent got kids but i can understand. Is there any way you can alternate things? Maybe one week focus alot on your daughter and maybe the next n Logic? It seems alot of livery to pay anyway - at our place its around £150.

Its obviously unfair for it to be one or the other, but you could perhaps calm down on the horse front, maybe reduce costs of feeds or whatever so your daughter gets her share.

Honestly though, what would i know :p. I dont think you should feel too ashamed, but as Logic is more or less as much part of the family as your daughter is, treat them both as if they are your daughters :).

[flintybaby]

Im in the same dilemma but my OH is the one who suffers. I had to get my sister to look after Flint yesterday because my OH was moaning we dont do anything together anymore. Its so difficult to split yourself in half but when you love hosses you'll do it!!

[domane]

Oh I have major guilts all the time, Rarah! Doubley so now that I have two!!! We can't afford holidays, Christmas and birthdays are kept minimal, we're on a debt management plan too :o Two ponies obviously take up more time AND I've just re-enrolled at Slimming World so that's another £4.50 a week just for me! And I get free membership at my husband's golf course's gym so I have just started going back there 2-3 times a week.

I feel incredibly selfish at times, that I am depriving my family of money and me... then Dom reminds me how miserable I used to be before I got Cherry and how we have met some lovely friends through her so I feel a little less bad. My teenage daughter would moan at me if I was a stick-at-home mum - at her age, as a parent you can't win no matter what you choose.

[rubysmum]

having already posted on this - have now gone away & refelcted on what i wrote & actuallly feel ive been v hard on myself - yes my daughter has to get up early 7 days a week - but having horses has allowed us to access a fantastic part of the countryside we could never has really got into just by going for the odd country walk - we live in inner city leicester in a pretty tough neighbourhood - the yard, me working there & the hosses themselves have allowed my daughter to meet far nicer children than live near us or attend her pretty rough school & altho we could never ever afford to live near the hosses, actually owning them has alowed us to get involved in a really nice bunch of people - what does annoy me sometimes is the lack of recognition[from people who perhaps dont understand what a finiancial effort having a hoss is for some people] of the effort i put in to trying to give us both a beter life - mooching about the yard allows her to have some of the childhood i had rather than the usual inner city childhood of hrs of tv, computer games and the rest - and i have to admit to being a much nicer person to be around after some equine therapy

[Rarah]

I dont really know what its like, because im only young and havent got kids but i can understand. Is there any way you can alternate things? Maybe one week focus alot on your daughter and maybe the next n Logic? It seems alot of livery to pay anyway - at our place its around £150.

Its obviously unfair for it to be one or the other, but you could perhaps calm down on the horse front, maybe reduce costs of feeds or whatever so your daughter gets her share.

Honestly though, what would i know :p. I dont think you should feel too ashamed, but as Logic is more or less as much part of the family as your daughter is, treat them both as if they are your daughters :).

Oops - was a typo - actually £206 (3 weeks at 5 days full livery, 1 week 7 days full), but it's still alot isn't it?

[Selle Francais]

£260 livery (for the month)
£52 shoes for Logic
£30 clipping before I go on an outing at the weekend
£50 transport for our trip
£15 entry fees
£20 lesson on Friday

Now I know I dont do this much every weekend, but I'm feeling bad. My nine year old daughter needed new school shoes and I traipsed her all around the shopping centre on Sunday afternoon - she wanted some for £25 and I managed to save £10 by buying the ones she didn't really want. How bad do I feel now? :(

Lucky you - livery down here is twice that (and as for transport!) - but hey go with the flow, daughts and horses have to find their place in the pecking order, but just maybe you could skip the clip and get her the shoes she really wanted? On the other hand, get her some jod-boots! :D

Ho hum . . .

SF

[Keket]

Perhaps I can offer a kid's thoughts on this? (Well, I'm 19, but I live at home, so it counts.)

My mom has no problem spending money on my horse habit. Jodhpurs, helmets, boots, tack, etc. I usually feel guilty that she spends the money on me when she could be spending it on herself. She rarely does anything for herself, and it's only in the past year or so that she'll buy herself some nice clothing, usually only after being prodded by me (mainly because she thinks it's acceptable to wear her jeans up to her girls). She's better to be around because she's taking time for herself. This is something that mothers are continuously told. You'll be a better parent if you're not stressed out, and surely the time you take for yourself and your horse stops you from getting stressed out.

[Rarah]

Firstly she's into horses but gets bored easily at the yard (as most 9 year old do when mucking out is mentioned!) so, I'm going to take her out for a leadrope hack on Saturday (it will improve my fitness too!) and do the chores myself later in the day when she's at home with her dad.
That fixes the time issue for now......

Her friends loved her cheap shoes, so I got away with that one.

And, she wants to go to watch the XC at Bramham Horse Trials in the summer, so have promised to buy tickets for that.

Guilt eased slightly (for now) .... :rolleyes:

[Afellpony]

What Jenren says is very sensible and, speaking as a person who hasn't got kids either would say....Would it be possible for you to get someone to share the horse with you? If you could find someone trustworthy enough,that would help financially as well.

[Little Dolphins]

I thought Jenren made a lotta sense, too!

Hope you feel a bit better about things Rarah:)

HQ gets better shoes, and more often, than all of us in my family!:rolleyes:

[lor]

This is @ Rubysmum. I have known a family for around 20 years, been at the same yards and ridden with mum and kids. All the children were up at the yard very early am, mucked before school. back after school to ride or finish off. All the children have grown up to be hard working happy people with successfull lives broad minds and an appreciation of when things are easy. One has a child of her own now, and he is sometimes at the farm in wellies getting a bloody good dose of fresh air. None of them would every be stuck infront of TV. They all work. I think your daughter is very lucky, she is learning disipline and responsability. Re original post of feeling selfish. I do to, especially towards my son, he isnt horsey anymore and daughter hardly is. But when i think of what i spend on ponio, travelling etc:eek: I wonder if he ever thinks about it:confused: I know he has said to at least one person we know, mums always up the yard. I've made myself feel bad now. Its better to take kids with you, at least they are envolved.

[icegirl]

I think theres a balance to be had here. No-one wants a frustrated miserable mum who cant spend any time or money on her own hobbies and so gives everyone else loads of guilt by building up a martyr complex.
Ditto, no child wants to be dragged around with no concessions made to her interests and to always be the kid in the class with old unfashionable trainers!! Painful as it is to me to acknowledge this from my old hippy non-consumerist past, sometimes these things get to be important!!! BUT.............The world doesnt end with no new clothes and lots of us mums (and dads) do our best to keep our horses as cheaply as we can and to share the pleasure with our offspring. Problem comes at around 14, when they may decide they would rather go shopping with friends than spend much time with the horse.:D
Of course, by then you can leave them to get on with it and go to the yard anyway.
This is all hard stuff and I am sure you are doing the best you can with it. I think we are all allowed some share of time and family budget to do what we want.

[jenren!!]

Oops - was a typo - actually £206 (3 weeks at 5 days full livery, 1 week 7 days full), but it's still alot isn't it?
Oh...you're on full livery...i was thinking DIY...£206 is about right for full livery, not too bad at all!

Do i really talk alot of sense? Most people who know me dont say the same :D:D.