Ok, What do i do now

[happy haffys]

Sorry folks, this is long!!

I had a few lessons when i was 27ish, enough for me to walk, trot & canter (on a good day).

Between then & now, i've had a couple of cobs on loan, and sat on other peoples horses. I've never been a confident rider, always opting for a plodder that would rather eat grass, but i've managed to hack out on busy roads and schooled okayish.

I'm now 34 with a 14.3 Hafllinger called Etta (for those of you that haven't seen my other posts).

I bought her for me and my 10 year old (competent) daughter to share.

Rhianne gets on fab with her, but i just ain't got the confidence to ride her. She isn't a plod, but she is safe, a bit on the strong side when it comes to steering (only when i'm on her!), but she has brakes.

I know it's not her, it's me, but i don't know whether i should continue trying to find an instructor to teach me on her, or go back to a local riding school and have some more lessons to some confidence back.

Also, i'm 5'8 & 12.5 stone, could that be part of my problem (need to lose weight?)

[baybabe]

im in similar situation but finding it hard to find a good instructor who isnt already fully booked. i opted to go back for lessons at the riding school just to brush up on schooling etc and repair my confidence slightly. i think either would help you if not both. :):)

[happy haffys]

Mm tell me about it, I've been given a few names of patient good instructors, but they have waiting lists goin on forever, and it's not like i want to compete or anything, i just want to be able to get on and not need vodka before during and after for my nerves.

It's bad when Rhi has to walk beside us!!

[fairlady]

So sorry to hear that you are having a few confidence problems at the moment, it happens to us all:)

Is there nobody you could actually hack out with as opposed to your daughter walking alongside to help you over this period? You say your daughter gets on fine with Etta so why don't you let your daughter do the hacking for now and you concentrate on the schooling in a nice 'safe' area where you can build your confidence with Etta without any of the worries about hacking out. That way you could hopefully build your confidence with Etta and maybe form more of a bond with her. If you can get a RI to come and give you lessons with her I would imagine that would be far more beneficial for you as she is going to be the horse you are hopefully riding and enjoying on a more 'full-time' basis, but as you say the good ones are always booked up in advance. But maybe schooling her in the interim would help give you more confidence with her, and the 'brakes' until the RI is able to book you in.

You do not actually say in this post how long you have owned Etta. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself, we tend to do that, your daughter, at 10, is of the lucky age that they have very little 'fear', and maybe its just a case of giving yourself a bit more time to 'get to know' this horse, and her full capabilities so that you can relax and 'enjoy'. A few lessons thrown in at the Riding School is always going to be of benefit to anyone meanwhile.

She sounds as though she is just a 'bit more forward going' than the other horses you have ridden, and maybe some time schooling or riding in a more secure area will help you see that you can learn to enjoy and go with that rather than be a bit fearful that she may take off:)

Keep us posted.

I wish you all the best

[happy haffys]

Thanks fairlady.

I didn't make it clear in my original post, i am only riding Etta in the school, hacking out is kinda up there with jumping the puissance wall i.e. it ain't ever goin to happen!!!

We've only had her for 2 months, but in that time i have only plucked up the courage to get on twice, although Rhi has ridden her more.

You are right, she is more than i am used to riding, & my heart really wants to go, but my head is saying no.

It feels like she can sense my fear, & acts accordingly (as she should), but i do sort of find comfort in the fact that she doesn't take flight, just roots her hooves to the ground until i stop shaking & start breathing again, but then my steering goes to pot, & she's goin left (her fav rein) when i'm tryin to steer right. I'm worried that she will quickly learn that i'm scared & don't know what i'm doing, & start takin the mickey, & i don't want to ruin a super horse.

I feel that maybe if i go to a riding school, i'll be able to pick up what i've forgotten, & take that back each time to practice on Etta

I wish i'd kept my first loan mare, she was fab, but if i hadn't let her go, Rhi wouldn't have had her ponies, and her hobby comes first.

[fairlady]

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you.:) What we do for our kids agh :)I can only re-iterate what I have already said. Just spend time with her being around her and try and build that bond:) 2 months is nothing really, you really are putting undue pressure on yourself. Your daughter is hacking her and dealing with her quite happily so you only have to ride her if you wish to.

I honestly think that a few months of spending 'ground' time with her and really getting to know her will have you itching to get on. Book your RI for whenever she can book you in and look forward to your lessons with her down the line. Try and have a few lunge lessons with her, both teaching you to lunge her (if you do not already know how to do it, gets her used to YOUR voice commands etc, pays back one thousand times:))and actual lessons with you on her on the lunge. Its all confidence boosting stuff.

Not getting any 'younger' myself I realise it is a big 'deal' to get on a horse you do not really know. I had been doing the same lately, trying new horses, looking for one to buy, it can be quite scarey stuff.
Just enjoy the time and stop putting pressure on yourself, when it feels right for you, you will do it.:) He He, keep the vodka for a treat when you feel you have achieved something for you with her, no matter how small:)

[Ginger Thing]

I have just texted the one I told you about, she said she is very busy but I told her you still haven't found anyone, so could she squeeze you in or recommend anybody else. Will keep you posted!

She is really nice, local too!

[fairlady]

There you go, book her in no matter how far down the line, and use the time in between to 'bond' gives you something to work towards and 'look forward to':rolleyes::)

Let us know how you are getting on

[happy haffys]

Fairlady, thank you so much, are you a trained counsellor or something, you should be!! :D It all makes so much sense.

For a laugh, thought i'd share the pic Rhi took of me on Wednesday, pre vodka!! Look stiffer than a dead person eh?

Rachel, thank you too. You're a star. have you had any look finding a stable closer to home?

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z26/bbglan/Picture1012.jpg

[Nazdaq]

Hey, I just wanted to say you look great on her and you are by no means too big for her! I am similar weight to you and I ride ponies all the time (Welshies that can carry me!) and I have always loved haffies. I think you should get some lessons (or quiet hacks with company) to get your confidence back. I have had confidence problems on and off, and this is how I got mine back. I hope that helps. :D

[fairlady]

Ha Ha:) you flatter me:o My OH could not stop laughing:) He said 'No, she just likes the sound of her own voice and nobody here listens:)

Lets just say I am of an age where most things 'strike a chord' and sometimes it is much easier for someone on the outside looking in and not 'emotionally' involved to see some solutions. Thats what is so great about this board:cool:

You obviously have a great sense of humour and that came across in your post and definately struck a chord, and that alone will help get you through this:rolleyes:

However, you are very self critical, and far too hard on 'yourself', give yourself a break and stop putting yourself down it will all come together.

As for your photo ' I don't see nothin wrong with that Mama':)

You look great together:)

Please keep us posted when you have your first lesson with the RI

1 x SMALL vodka, with ice, relax and enjoy:rolleyes:

[sadie21]

would just like to say what great advice from fairlady!!! and as for pic agree you look fab, dont give up be worth it in the end!!!

[hoofhearted]

Hi happy haffys just wanted to say I empathise with you, I have just brought a new pony to replace my old one who I found too forward going for me, am having a real crisis of confidence and have not been brave enough to ride her since I've got her home (it has only been a couple of days tho).

My friend rode her out for me yesterday and although she did reverse a couple of times she was very good. My friend is a very confident, competent rider though and I'm really worried that when I get on the pony she will pick up on my nerves and begin to feel insecure herself.

I can invent so many scenarios in my head! On the way out I think she will nap to be with the other horses. On the way back I think she will realise she's on her way home and tank off with me! And all sorts of other things.

Anyway, today I just took her for a walk in hand, I did this with my last pony too and it seems to help me to build up my confidence a bit - maybe this would help you too if you feel more confident on the ground with your pony?
Lots of good advice from other board members too.

We will get there in the end!:)

[happy haffys]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your comments, they've really helped (although fairlady u r the best - on my wavelength or what!! :D)

As i'm still no closer to getting an RI to come to us yet, I have been in contact with a local RS who also do RDA (thinkin maybe start me off on somethin ploddy and work from there??)

They have got a waiting list, but listened to my requirements & have put me down as 1st on list for one-off cancellations as & when. I am actually really excited! (PS Rachel, would still like to know if your RI can come out to Rhianne in the mean time or if she has any recommendations pls?? :o).


Just for reference, when i first got Etta, i was a bundle of nerves handlin her (down to a bad experience with a previous mare), but i'm really gettin there with her now. She zapped her head on the bare wire electric fence tonight (derr) when i turned her back out in her field, and went to kick out, but i held her lead rope & stood my ground to stop her doin one (gate was still open!) She turned round & put her head down as if to say ouch - How sweet!!


Will keep you all posted and a BIG thanks again :D :D :D :D

Vodka delivery due 2moro:p

[fairlady]

HE, HE, I reckon you only got a horse to justify the vodka:rolleyes:

See you are beginning to bond with her already and are obviously not quite so 'unsure' of her as you were cos you held on to her tonight. Great stuff.

Blimey, you could have ended up with curly hair if the zap had gone right thro her,:eek: he he, instant perm:rolleyes:

Its all about the 'bonding'

I have just sat in the field for a couple of hours with my 2 year old boy Morse, just enjoying his company over the last two days, well, most of the time, I would enjoy it a bit more if I could just get him 'outta my face' for 2 minutes:)

At one point I was sat in the middle of the field and he was nuzzling my hair (rather nice) and I thought, oh he is lovely, then he walked OVER me and I mean OVER me:eek: so we will have to be workin' on that one:) He has no clue of 'personnal space'. But I honestly feel those few hours with him were priceless, absolutely great, no grooming, no teaching, nothing but enjoying time together on a couple of fantastic sunny days:)

NO PRESSURE - try it - 'just bonding' and for all those who say, 'you should be doing this with him, you should be doin that', yeah, yeah, sometimes we do 'too' much and forget to just sit back chill and enjoy.

I think those times of doing 'nothing' are actually doing 'loads' and I honestly think they payback a million times over down the line.

[fairlady]

Hoofhearted, all of the above relates to you as well. Why do we feel we get a 'new horse' and have to get it out and about within a few days? Unless of course there is a time limit and you have the horse on trial.:)

I read an article that says it takes a horse between 3 - 6 months to 'settle in'. So why do we feel we have to achieve it all in 3 - 6 days?

Half the battle is in the BONDING. Its nice your 'knowledgeable' friend has ridden your horse for you, but why so soon:) spend the time, get to know your horse, honestly, knowing your horse takes 80% of the fear away:)
Groom, talk, sit, walk out in- hand if necessary. If you see something either you or your horse is un-sure of, get off and lead it past:)

How people see that as a failure beats me. Surely if your horse is genuinely scared (and I mean genuinely scared not just taking the mickey) why would you want to get in a 'battle' with it to add to the misery, when if the initial bonding is there you can just get off and walk it past, horse thinks 'oh hang on 'l**d a** there' , or 'Mum', ain't scared so why should I be:) and off you both go.

Hopefully we buy these horses with the intention of forever and a day:) so why RUSH these things.

[hoofhearted]

Totallly agree with you fairlady, the problem is Rosie has come to me VERY VERY overweight so I'm feeling a certain pressure to start trying to get her weight off.
I suppose part of it is other peoples expectations too - not friends but other people on the yard (admittedly theyre all under 14! well those who ride anyway lol).

[hoofhearted]

PS fairlady - just noticed the time of your last post:eek:.

[NicP]

Hoofhearted, all of the above relates to you as well. Why do we feel we get a 'new horse' and have to get it out and about within a few days? Unless of course there is a time limit and you have the horse on trial.:)

Hopefully we buy these horses with the intention of forever and a day:) so why RUSH these things.


Absolutely right! When I got Cody he hacked OK but then started napping badly and not wanting to move on without being led. I started off getting really frustrated - as a first time owner who has wanted her own horse for about 30 years (!) I somehow expected it to all be wonderful.

It was my hubby who pointed out that there is no rush and I will have him for years and since then I have relaxed and stopped having battles. I have found a good RI and have just moved to a new yard where the roads are quieter and there are other people to hack with to build his confidence.

He seems happy to follow me being led and is good (albeit green when it comes to schooling) in the menage so we are building on those things. I am also planning to do some natural horsemenship groundwork to build the bond.

Once I decided to just take things slowly and surely, I stopped getting frustrated with him (which was really not helping him or me!) and am much happier.

[fairlady]

We put so much pressure on ourselves (as happy haffy:)) or allow others to put pressure on us:)

I really wanted to take Morse to his first show yesterday. However, I stood back and let reality dawn a couple of weeks ago that neither he or I was ready and it would have meant 'rushing' him to be bitted, have the farrier, etc. etc. (I

[fairlady]

Sorry wrong button:) again:) I could have allowed people around me to pressurise me into doing it, all with good intentions, because they knew I really wanted to go, but stood my ground and decided it really was not worth it for one local show. I have never had a youngster of my own before and really want Morse to have nothing but 'positive' experiences, I may be being very niave and 'fall flat on my face' but time will tell.

I can only relate raising Morse to raising 'puppies' through the years, love, kindness, firm discipline if needed and no doubt 'who leader of the pack is'

I cannot understand how people get a new horse, take them out and about and risk getting 'into' battles with them right at the beginning within a few days, and thereby tarnishing that relationship from the start.

i.e. if I had to do something potentially dangerous or scarey and a 'friend' I had faith in reassured me it would be ok I would be inclined to do it. However if a 'total stranger' attempted to force me to do it I would probably end up bopping them on the end of the nose:) Why should it be any different for our horses:) Its the same with getting off and leading your horse past that 'scarey' object, some people see that as failure:rolleyes: How is that failing? you have got him past, no injuries, no danger, no battles, nice and calm, next time hopefully not so scarey, surely thats win, win, win all round:)

No I am definitely one of the 'bonders' me,
or perhaps I am just lazy:)

PS: re timing of my post :) workin hard on my night shift:rolleyes:

[happy haffys]

Hey hoofhearted

We'll be fine if we stick together & we've always got fairlady for back up too!

She makes soo much sense and NicP is very correct, we have all the time in the world.

Rhianne only just started hacking out on Whisky (her old pony) about 3 months before we sold him to a work colleague (again that was me beingy nervy of situations i wasn't used too & imaginary scenarios that just ain't happened), but now he's out & about 3 times a week with a 4 yr old on his back & hasn't put a foot wrong.

Roll on the next year, bet we'll be havin a chuckle at ourselves, but we'll also be able to give some advice from the heart too!;)

[Ginger Thing]

(PS Rachel, would still like to know if your RI can come out to Rhianne in the mean time or if she has any recommendations pls?? :o).

She is away on hols at the moment but said she will have a think and get back to me - by the way you look fab on Etta :D

Don't worry about being nervous, everything will come together with time - even though I compete at dressage (and even showjumping recently :eek:) I am a nervous wreck out hacking - went out round Baggeridge on Sat for about half an hour and felt like I'd ridden round Badminton or something! Kept on about what a good boy my Ginger Thing was -OH said 'course he was, he always is!'. I felt so pleased with myself for doing something everybody else (even the little kids) think is so easy!

Keep perservering and you'll crack it! If not a RI, you could try a lady in Codsall who does EFT to overcome phobias/fears - she reckoned she could sort me out in one session, but I never got round to it - if I do, I will def. let you know!

[happy haffys]

Hi Rach,

Have pm'd you about 'Geek meet'

Well done for goin round Baggeridge, would love to do that one day, you could be out the whole day and still not see everywhere.

Your yard is in an A1 spot, shame it's the other side of town!!

Funny what your OH said, i've heard it so many times, but it don't quite sink in most of the time.:rolleyes:

[fairlady]

Happy haffys - it will be my turn next year when its my time to actually climb aboard Morse :)

Bacardi is my tipple thou' so ** vodka will be quite safe:rolleyes:

[happy haffys]

YEEEEAAAAHHH

Have got an RI (thanks to Ginger Thing)! Only problem now is Etta's outstanding feet issue. Have got call out to farrier.

Can't wait tho, i'm soooo excited.

Fairlady, told her that i needed vodka & she was all for it!!!!:D:D:D

Cheers Rachel xxxx

[fairlady]

Yeah, but when you told her you needed 1 x vodka to climb on board she thought you meant a b***** glass, not a bottle:rolleyes:

Saying that she sounds like my type of RI:) sense of humour, (RI's with that are few and far between, wonder if she would travel to Bristol?

I am really pleased for you

[icegirl]

Im really grateful to all the people on this board who suggested taking it slow, step at a time. I took the advice to heart and refused to feel pressured by anybody. I also did a lot of groundwork on the advice of a friend who was boarding my horse at the time.
I too, share a horse with my daughter and sometimes felt a bit put down when she would leap up on him bareback or decide to jump for the fun of it and there was me wondering if I felt OK about getting on at all.:D
Happy Haffies, you look very much at home on your horsey and it all sounds like its coming along just fine.

[fairlady]

Good for you Icegirl, too many people pressurising others is not good:)

[happy haffys]

Thank you Icegirl. These young un's are just too brave eh:p

I take real pleasure in reading with posts about Mature Riders & confidence issues & no i'm not alone.

I am at the stage now where i can handle Etta with a reasonable amount of confidence from the ground, which okay has taken me 2 months, but as Fairlady (oh wise one! :D) states - I have a lifetime with her.

And as her feet are diabolical (sp??) at the mo, i have even more time to bond with her.

We'll show these youngsters!! (Maybe :o)