Taking Advantage of my good nature.... or not?

[Lacetti]

A very good friend of mine is backing her 4yo, and once he has been backed she has a buyer for him - she asked me to be her crash test dummy, and I said I would help.

She is not stabled at the same yard as me and she did have someone helping her for the 'leaning over' stage, but they have let her down, this is where I came in.......

She wanted me to make myself available for 7 days in a row, so that she could get her 4yo used to being ridden on the lunge before her buyer takes possession of him (they are both at the same yard - seller, and buyer)..... for these days I have had to arrange and pay for someone to bring my horse in for me and I have to travel to her yard which is in the opposite direction to my yard from where I work. Said friend did mention about paying for my horse to be brought in when she first asked me to help her, but has not said or done anything about it since - in the past she has taken advantage of my good nature (I'll help anyone), and when I have asked her for favours, I have been 'charged' - she charged me £20 to take my horse to a show about 20 mins up the road from me the other week - I didn't think anything of it, as diesel is not cheap....... but I can't help thinking that I'm, once again, being taken for a ride......

What would you do in this situation..???:confused:

[doorstopper]

If she's agreed to pay you to bring your horse in, follow up on it. I reckon most likely she's either forgotten about it or hoping you have, and will be up for contributing a bit with a gentle nudge. :)

[essexlady]

Some people have more front than others to ask for money, Im not one of them.

I dont think said friend is taking advantage she probably isnt thinking or thinks next time you need a lift she wont charge you or will pay you when your jobs is done.

On the other hand you know her better than anyone.

If she said she would cover your costs, drop a hint or two, or I would send a text.

ps for whats its worth your have done a very good job.

ppps I might have taken advantage of your good nature, Im not sure I paid for chippy last time you came down :o
Havent forgotten to buy you some sticky mane next time I go shopping though :)

[wibble]

I would ask her to pay for bringing Lexi in. You also have your petrol costs. Even if she said she would pay you when the horse is sold but to 'forget' about it is not on.

Favours work if it is give and take, was she going to the show anyway? £20 seems a lot for 20 mins up the road and back

Only you can know whether she will pay you or not. Better to say no than end up bitter and ruin the relationship.

:)

[Lacetti]

K, you haven't ever asked me for anything, I have always offered, therefore, you have never taken advantage of me :)

Said friend is a crafty little toad, I have eneded up giving her stuff because I haven't always made myself clear when she 'borrows' stuff, I always feel that I am being out of order if I chase her for anything :rolleyes:

[Sam_22]

Yes I think said person is taking advantage of you - big style.

£20 for a 20 minute drive up the road?! I know Diesel is expensive, but I think this is taking the mick as you have been kind enough to lend her things in the past that she has never given you back. She should have took you for free - no questions asked. And then she has the cheek to ask you to make yourself available for 7 days straight?!

Why should you pay to have your horse brought in, then pay extra petrol/diesel money to go to her yard? Why should YOU be out of pocket just to do your friend a favour?? Madness!!!!

Sam xx

[Lacetti]

I would ask her to pay for bringing Lexi in. You also have your petrol costs. Even if she said she would pay you when the horse is sold but to 'forget' about it is not on.

Favours work if it is give and take, was she going to the show anyway? £20 seems a lot for 20 mins up the road and back
:)

No, she wasn't going to the show anyway - she charged me £30 to take Lexi to the vets last year when she was already taking someone else's horse!!

When we had our horses at the same yard - every evening she used to ask me to finish her horses for the night (feed, hay and skip out), she had 3 horses - she used to say that I had to go do Lexi, so I was there anyway and in return she would get Lexi in from the field for me.......... :rolleyes:

I know I'm being taken for a mug, but how do I now deal with this present 'crash test dummy' situ?

[disgruntled]

Show her this thread....heh heh, you won't have to SAY anything then.. :D:D (just kidding..)

[Lacetti]

Sam_22 - you're so right.... but how can I be more assertive with her without damaging our friendship - she will do anything for you, but sometimes it comes at a price.

[wibble]

blimy sorry to be harsh but I am glad I don't have friends like yours! friendship should be about give and take. It sounds like you paid her whole petrol bill! The rangerover wouldn't even use that much and it drinks fuel!

I once had a 'friend' with 2 horses (one a naughty youngster) and used to do loads of jobs for her. We were on an assisted DIY yard and sometimes I ended up doing her horses whilst she got paid to do other peoples:eek: I actually wrote down the cost of the jobs I did for her according to the yard price list and the few she occasionally did for me and gave her a printout to show how much money she was saving. I left soon after that and we are no longer friends sadly as I loved her personality.

I would be tempted to say you can't because of your back, you can't take the risk of falling and also say you are too brassic to afford Lexi to be bought in.

[lottie.dot]

Oh. This is annoying and I am pleased that I am not in this situation. It is just plain awkward.

The thing I would say is; Sorry not sure if I can help tonight afterall. Need to get x in and i cannot afford to come over and pay for someone else to get him in...!

xxx

[HashRouge]

she charged me £30 to take Lexi to the vets last year when she was already taking someone else's horse!!


Now that IS a bit cheeky! When my mare had a nasty accident a few years ago, we had to take her down to Leahurst the same day but had no transport. In the end, my Mum marched off to the local (large) riding school and livery yard, literally commandeered the first trailer she found (I think the owner was terrified into it!) and a friend of ours volunteered to drive it, and my mare, to Leahurst for us. Neither she, nor the owner of the trailer, charged us a penny, though we obviously paid petrol costs and bought chocolates and flowers for the owner.
At the end of the day, if she was a more generous friend to you (as in, if she gave you the odd free lift in her box) then you might be more willing to overlook the extra costs here. As it is, remind her, and don't feel cheeky about doing so.

[Denbenj]

Lacetti, I had a friend similar to this,

When I looked back I could see how completly used I had been, I personally would leave it be, as believe me they only get worse. I'm like you maybe I dont like to ask for things, and people just walk all over you sometimes.

Mind you I have learnt to be stronger just recently!

[KateWooten]

I have a similar situation but with a good outcome to share.

My friend R moved to her own (well her dad's) land and took her friend J there too as a boarder. J has been keeping her own horse there now for a year.

FOR FREE

:eek:

This is because, like you, R has been too giving, and not assertive about asking for money. In the meantime, R has spent $10,000 on improvements (fencing, waterers, hay, feed...) to make the place liveable to their two horses. J has made only a partial contribution to HER OWN HORSE'S feed and hay - no board, no help with the fencing, nothing!

When R lent J her truck because R only has a small car... J then charged R for 'the extra gas it took for me to drive to the barn in your truck' ... when the whole point of lending her the truck was so that she could hook it to the trailer (bought by R) so that J could practice trailer loading - which is why J asked for the truck !

... and J complains all the time that R is ripping HER off !

ok, so the situation has been allowed to run way out of order. However, just this past month, R has finally stood up to J, but not in a confrontational way, and it has worked out really well. She simply decided on a fair breakdown of costs, organised a semi-formal meeting with dad involved and explained what the new rules were. She literally took the 'friend' and 'emotional' aspects out of it, was very straightforward and stated the costs.

I think that's what you need to do too. I think it's great that you would commit to seven days consistently helping her - what a huge asset that would be - in fact I think I will send you a 7-day plane ticket if I ever have a youngster to start again ! But good lord, yes you have expenses, and time, and travel that needs to be paid for. If I were you, I would 'forget' all the injustices from the past because that will only tie you up in knots, but from here ... simply state in advance the costs .. 'yes, I am planning to come to you Monday next week, and the cost will be $20 each evening to cover the cost of seeing to my own horse, travel, and the work I will be doing for you'.

In the case of R & J, they are now getting along better - because I J has more respect for R now that she is standing up for herself.

[Nookster]

I’m having difficulty with you classing her as a friend from reading your posts. Sadly that is no ‘friend’ and I feel for you as I have been through the exact same with so called ‘friends’. Best just to walk away from it all.

[laceyfreckle]

simply state in advance the costs .. 'yes, I am planning to come to you Monday next week, and the cost will be $20 each evening to cover the cost of seeing to my own horse, travel,'.



I think the above is a good way of putting it. :)

I DO think you need to 'remind' her that you are having to pay for your own horse to be done those days (and also its time you could be having with your horse)

btw...as you seem so helpful when you coming to back my pony next year :p Or is 11.3hh a bit too titchy :p:p:p

[scotnut]

Can I ask a really stupid question but why are the people who are buying the horse not helping with the backing?? Their at the yard and are obviously going to be involved in the very near future anyway so why not get involved now? I think your friend has a bit of a cheek tbh and personally I would say really sorry love to help but have got alot to do myself, like my own horse!!

x

[Lacetti]

Can I ask a really stupid question but why are the people who are buying the horse not helping with the backing?? Their at the yard and are obviously going to be involved in the very near future anyway so why not get involved now?

x

New owner is very novice-y..... don't ask :rolleyes:

[cinammontoast]

I think you should remind her that you were going to be paid as it's not your fault your horse had to be brought in while you helped her. Next time something like this comes up, you should state a price before negotiations are complete. Doesn't it just upset you, tho, to have 'friends' treat you like this? It's such a shame because you sound like a helpful person and an asset as a friend, but this just takes the p**s!

[eml]

Like most people I know 'friends' like this. Sadly they can never remain friends no matter how much you like them as friendship is a two way thing. I would do anything for my true friends but they would do the same for me.

In your case I like the line that you are sorry but you just cannot afford the petrol or the cost of someone getting your horse in. I also think helping someone back a youngster needs to be done on 'professional' basis, what happens if you fall, are injured and cannot do your horse for a while...will she help you then?

[Soot]

Remind her of the 5% sales commission you are taking ...

[Georgia68]

But why are you allowing someone to take advantage of you like this. You have a choice, you can walk away. I think honesty is definitely the best policy in situation like this, sounds like she may be a little thick skinned and you need to spell things out for her. Ultimately though, you make the decisions about what you choose to do. Perhaps look at your motive for being friends with this girl? Does it allow you to be the victim, which bizzare though it sounds can be quite appealing to most of us at times and just takes a little self-awareness to sort the situation out.

[sancho]

Why dont you just give her a fixed amount that you want as payment?

I know its difficult but you are putting yourself in a potentialy dangerous situation for her.

I would say something like 'When you have taken me somewhere in the trailer you have charged me which I think is a really good idea as it means we both benefit and everyone knows where they stand. Ive decided that I would need to charge you £xx for my time etc to help with the breaking in of this horse'.
That way you remind her that she's charged you and she cant complain!

Im devious!:rolleyes:

[xloopylozzax]

I've just been in this very same situation (and dont bother replying btw if your reading this otherwise everyone will know what you are like, so far i have kept schtum about it so save yourself the hassle) and i've just kicked them into touch.

it was all give from me, and i got peanuts in return- took me a long time to realise though.

i basically restarted someones horse, got it going well in walk trot and canter so someone else could get on and do the easy bit when they got bored with me.

no worries, i gained a lot out of it (judging character for a start!) and screw them tbh, i know i do what i say, i dont just talk the talk and quote ****e from books and friends of friends.

[Mary Poppins]

I think that you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. If you are not happy with the situation you need to say 'no' to helping with her horse. She may think that you are perfectly happy with the situation and that you enjoy riding her horse. You should be honest with your friends.

[Lacetti]

Thanks guys, for all of your replies.

I called her last night and said that I could no longer help her with her 4yo, as I have loads of other stuff going on, and I just can't spare the time..... if I had of carried on, I know that I would have resented it.

I have decided that if I'm in a similar position again, I will 'discuss' all details before agreeing to anything :) - it's so much easier than deciding half way through that I'm not happy about something.

It's a shame it has to be like that though :(

[Denbenj]

Good on you :)

[loopy1]

id just be upfront and say how much you want to be paid in future, as if it isnt even an option that youre not.

i often get asked to look after local peoples horses when they are away.

they know i expect to get paid, but i think it makes it easier to ask me, since they are getting the services of an experienced horsewoman as a business transaction and not having to feel bad about asking for favours.

then everyone knows where they stand and everybody is happy.

[BIrish]

Thanks guys, for all of your replies.

I called her last night and said that I could no longer help her with her 4yo, as I have loads of other stuff going on, and I just can't spare the time..... if I had of carried on, I know that I would have resented it.

I have decided that if I'm in a similar position again, I will 'discuss' all details before agreeing to anything :) - it's so much easier than deciding half way through that I'm not happy about something.

It's a shame it has to be like that though :(

Only just seen this. Hope you are ok. Good decision FWIW. Is easiest to discuss all parts to an agreement before you start that way everyone stays friends..

It's not a shame - it's good sense!

[kayjayhorses]

It does sound like the friendship is one sided though, she can ask you to help whenever but not arrange payment yet when you need help she charges you whatever - it does sound like you're very helpful and you would do anything for people but as I think you've realised yourself you need to be a little clearer from the start.

[Collina]

You are right to do this... at least you had the courage not like some people who keep you hanging on for weeks and think that the world owes them.

[winger]

have you given it a thought as to how much it costs to keep a horsebox in a safe and road worthy condition, all parts, and servicing , and diesel, are at least treble the cost of a car, you could hire, or buy your own.

[Joyscarer]

have you given it a thought as to how much it costs to keep a horsebox in a safe and road worthy condition, all parts, and servicing , and diesel, are at least treble the cost of a car, you could hire, or buy your own.

Of course.

The point being made is that there is give and take. There are people who you will put yourself out for knowing that they too would do all they could for you.

Then there are those that are aquaintances that consider themselves your friends when they are on the ask but become aquaintances that charge whenever you are in need :rolleyes:

[Lacetti]

Thank you Joyscarer, this is my point exactly.

winger - I do appreciate how much it costs to run a lorry - I used to drive HGV for my dad, so am well aware of how expensive they can be :rolleyes:

[flashbacksj]

good on you putting a stop to it!!

Judging from the 20min journey up the road costing you £20... thats a £1 a min in my book... think how much you could charge when you include your travel time and the time you spend backing the horse!!!


Then again i cant talk... im the same as you... ive worked with 3 horses now... 2 of which were "naughty" (missunderstood really) so i sorted out the rearing, napping, spooking etc for the horses to be sold with a thankyou but £0 cash... the one owner even said... now you have jumped him double clear and qualified for the championships i can ask another £500 cant i.... :eek::rolleyes: didnt see a penny of it myself!!!

Since then same lady has asked me to ride her TB mare... she pays me £10 a ride at the moment... and although i got £0 on show day she pays the entries... its good experience but ive grown up enough to not be taken for a ride anymore!

So keep helping but lay down those ground rules! ;)

[Collina]

I've just been in this very same situation (and dont bother replying btw if your reading this otherwise everyone will know what you are like, so far i have kept schtum about it so save yourself the hassle) and i've just kicked them into touch.

it was all give from me, and i got peanuts in return- took me a long time to realise though.

i basically restarted someones horse, got it going well in walk trot and canter so someone else could get on and do the easy bit when they got bored with me.

no worries, i gained a lot out of it (judging character for a start!) and screw them tbh, i know i do what i say, i dont just talk the talk and quote ****e from books and friends of friends.

xloopylozzax FORGOT TO SAY that she was picked up from home and taken to do her horse's, took her to the Yorkshire show in our box and did not want any fuel, lent her a saddle. Helped sort out her horse that bolted when she could not get it home so kept at our stables until crossing could be lifted.Give items of clothing, food at show OH and taken to the Eurpeans and paid for her ticket. AND THEN SHE HAS A CHEEK to posted the post above. She sat and cried whilst riding my horse so maybe it was time she gave up riding him I did not want her to do it if it frightened her that much. And the person who is riding it sometimes now was the person who offered to give her lesson. But she is now giving me them. Beware as when you look at her post when something goes wrong she bitchs about them. Oh she pays no livery costs but calls the people who help her a lot a few nasty names....

[JustJas]

I tghink you have done the right thing however difficult it has been to do it.