Awfully lonely. Life after Pegs

[chapsi]

Pegs died exactly 4 weeks ago.
I guess time is the best, but slow healer.
There is life after Pegasy after all, but a very empty one.
There isn't much going on at the moment for me, and what goes on, simply doesn't interest me. Nothing matters much; life is like a cold dish served with no seasoning, somewhat sour.

I haven't been to the yard yet; I quivver to the thought of having to go there to pay for my mare's livery. The place is ridden with memories. In fact, I haven't seen her for over a month now, and although it's not fair on her, I don't care... I would like to sell her, sell my SBS saddle (that I bought specially for Pegaso), forget about all, never go back...

He was my dream horse and now he is gone. He is free, his spirit drifts into the Universe, whilst I'm still here, bereaving his loss; troubled at work, having to cope with family, husband, relsatives, family problems... I wish I could join him, now, at this instant, and be free of all my troubles.

Meeting Pégaso made me experience the greatest joy in my life, as well as the deepest pain in my heart.

I feel so lonely tonight. Just needed to share my sorrow. I'm sorry :(

[horsey1]

I cant imagine how your are feeling just now, it must be really hard for you at this time, my thought are with you. take care

[NoviceNic]

Your thread has bought tears to my eyes. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. We are all here to help. Anything you wish to share feel free to pm me. :)

[Ipsa]

I am really sorry for you as I have been through your situation before.
The trouble is that you have to pick yourself up and go forward. This may mean going to the yard and seeing your mare as you're right it isn't fair on her and is not good for either of you.
Places with memories can be good places to go as recalling happy memories is a positive part of grieving. Been amongst people who know your loss is helpful as well.
It can be hard to summon the energy to get on but it is better to work actively through your grief than staying at home and dwelling on your loss. When I lost a special horse in very tragic circumstances I found spending time with my other horses helped enormously. As we keep our horses on our own land it was a case of having to tend to them but it truly did help.
I hope you feel better soon. :)

[KarinUS]

Maria,

I am sorry to hear that your mare is unable to offer you any comfort. :(
If you feel like getting away from it all for a while would be of any help, please know that you are always welcome here.

[chapsi]

Thank you Karin, that's very kind of you.
Unfortunately I'm loaded with problems at the moment.

[galadriel]

Oh, Maria, I wish I could offer something that would be helpful :( I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down.

[dophi_arno]

Sorry to hear that :( You know all of us at NR are here for you, but I guess it will take time. I hope the other problems will clear up soon.

[kedwards]

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.

If you can, at all, make yourself get to the barn, just to groom or hand-walk even, you may find that you'll become more engaged than you expected. Sometimes, it's the initial impetus that is the hardest.

Also, have you considered speaking with a counselor? You sound like you are experiencing more than your share of pain and anguish. Speaking with a professional may help you find ways to deal with the grief.

In the meantime, know that you are in my heart and thoughts. Take care of yourself now. Hugs.

[SwiftwindSpirit]

Chapsi, that is really sad to hear. I am really sorry to hear what has happened and I can only imagine how much of an impact this has had on your life. Please don't give up, there must be something in your life (if not now, maybe later on) which will bring you much joy and happiness. It probably won't be the same feeling as having Pégaso around, but it will be better than how you are right now. It sounds like you need to do something which will make you happy again, and even though going to the barn will bring back memories, they (I'm sure) are very happy memories and looking after your other horse will keep you busy, and will hopefully be good therapy. Just remember you have all our support here, and remember to stay strong.

[hackedoff]

I just re-read the the 'Yes Yes Yes' thread with the sad tale of your taking leave of your gorgeous boy in it, its a true tragedy chapsi and I'm sure you are working through it in the way you need.
This may help, it changed my life completely.... I went through some intensely difficult times when I was younger, and I felt that every time I got back on my feet the universe knocked me down again. "Why me?" I asked my counsellor, "Why me again?" She looked at me and said -

"Because you are the only one who could cope with it"

xxxxxxxxxxx

[chev]

There are no words. :( I'm so sorry... hadn't kept up with your other thread and didn't realise you'd lost Pegaso.

I'm so so sorry.

[Justie B52]

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you must feel :( Especially if you have additional issues on top of your grief.

Time is the only healer, it will get easier to bear, but that may take a good deal of time. In the meantime, perhaps you should talk to your doctor. Depression can be eased, if depression is part of the problem.

I have to agree with some of the others who have posted. As hard as it may be, your mare does need you. Seeing her may help you come to terms with your loss. I know I never had the pleasure of knowing Pégaso, but I am sure he wouldn't have wanted you to give up.

I hope you can find peace soon & please keep in touch, even if it's just to vent your feelings.

(((Hugs)))

Justie x

[Big Ears]

I am so sorry - I'm not surprised that you feel so empty without him but try if you can to make yourself go and do things with the mare, even if just take her out for a little walk or groom her - it's not her fault and she would probably appreciate a little bit of love.

I am sorry things are hard for you - me too, life is full of diffuclties for us at the moment and occasoinally I feel what is the point in getting up - but the cats need feeding, so do the hens and the horses and donks. It is tough, and I feel for you so much with all you have been through. I wish you could come here and chill out as we have room here - if I were you do you have a good doctor as essentially you have suffered a major bereavement and if you are depressed perhaps they could help you short term? I wish you had someone there to talk to - we are here for you.

[cvb]

Chapsi - just take it one day at a time, one hurdle at a time. You don't need to make any decisions right now, just survive the best you can. Thats the way I deal with all the rubbish that is going on in my life right now - one bite at a time ;) If I tried to deal with it all in one go, it would just over-whelm me.

Is your other half back now ? (I remember he was away at the time).

I think there is a saying that goes
1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
2. Its ALL small stuff

I'm not saying what happened to Pegs is "small stuff" - but some of the other stuff IS (e.g. work - its only a job....thats been a tough lesson for me to learn but I'm getting there).

In the meantime - one big virtual hug - I hope tomorrow is better than today :)

[Trewsers]

:( so sorry for you. Sending some sympathy down the internet waves to you.

[♥~Alice~♥]

I don't think there's anything to say that'd make you feel any better, but I'm so sorry. Try and remember the happy times you had together. You'll never forget him, but in time it will get easier.

[Lucy J]

i really miss my old boy, I know how hard it is. I like to visit his old field as I feel as if he is still there. I also like to think that his spirit is in my current mare as it was by chance that I found her and she has his exact personality. It is so hard, and I can sympathise with the family issues as well. Just try and focus on the good times, it does get easier, eventually, although i still cry sometimes!

Big Hugs, we are all here for you. :)

[horsey1]

Hi Chapsi
I have just read all about your lovely horse and feel no one could have done any more than you did for him.
I think you should be proud of yourself most people would have given up long before you did and to have given him the chance of life in the first place was commendable saving him from those hellholes.
I think if you have another horse you should let her help you heal because the poor beast will be wondering where her mum has went and why you dont go to see her

[Alle]

Nothing I can say will make you feel better, and yet I so desperately want to help. As you stated, he was your dream horse and he made you experience the greatest joy in your life...just think of how many people never will get that. There is much truth to tired sayings like "it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." Time will help, but as you already noted, it's a slow healer.

Maybe you should make yourself go down to the yard just to give your mare a hug.

Take care of yourself!

[chapsi]

dear friends,

Thank you so much for your loving concern. I ought to state that I feel I get more from you than from my therapist (and cheaper too).
NR is a very special site. Here I can be me, pour my heart and be soothed by you lot. There is no other horse site I can simply express my feelings in the same way.

I can't bare my pain. After Pegs died I used to get pretty bad in the morning going into work and vice-versa. Although I am not gutted all day long, the evenings are awful. I feel so lonely, I think so much about him. Loosing Pegs was the greatest mourn I had in my life. To be quite honest, not even my father's death or divorce upsetted me so much (the latter was in fact a day of rejoice...).

I'm sure time will help, but my joy of living is gone for the time being. Nothing excites me any longer, nor interests me; he was my dream boy and I killed him, because I was too weak to cope with him and his antics... there, that's how I see it, now I told you. I am enduring the burden of guilt, although rationally I know did the right thing. My guilt is unbearable... :( Had I been strong and brave, as many people wrongly state about me, I would have endured Peg's behaviour. Instead, the constant strain was destroying me... I did the right think, I am told, but I feel so guilty.

Right now, I just want to wipe the past off. Clean slate. I need to wipe off my memories, to pretend I never had Pegs. The yard, the mare, the people there, all make part of it.

I'll be going down to the yard this weekend, wish me luck; Olav is there. He has been a sincere good friend of mine... at leat he'll give me real NR hugs, not just virtual, I know. I also must pay for the mare's livery. I know it's unfair in Rija, neglecting her, but my deep love for Pegs prevents me from ever loving her the same way... he was my special horse...

Still, I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow. I am so unsure of going back to the yard... wish me luck...

I hope, I can be of any confort to anybody in this sit, just you have been to me... for nearly 3 years.

[KarinUS]

Best wishes and hoping you will be pleasantly suprised tomorrow when you go to the yard... :)

[martini55]

I missed your other post as dont look in this forum very much, such a tragic story :( :( You did the best for him though, he will be thankful for that. It does leave a huge void though when someone you love passes away. It's hard to see but time is the best healer, it will get better. Good luck with going down to the yard, it sounds as though you will have great support from a good friend which will make it easier for you.

[kedwards]

Oh dear, a good start might be to rephrase what your are telling yourself.

he was my dream boy and I killed him, because I was too weak to cope with him and his antics...

That isn't fair and it isn't an accurate assessment of the situation. Is this really how you would judge the situation if it were in someone else's hands?

[shandy84]

I have read all yur posts about him and your love for him has always shone through, please don't deny yourself the nice memories because you feel guilty you made a very difficult choice an in making that choice were far braver than many here, remember Pegs happy if you can and don't let this guilt eat yourself up.

Maybe try something like a bach flower rememdy to help you stay on an even keel when you go down to the yard, maybe just try grooming your mare or feeding her some titbits and see if that helps.

Good luck

[Alle]

Well, you weren't weak at all, and you did the best you could for him. No one else could have done more. But you need to believe that yourself, and I hope that you will believe it and soon.

Wishing you the best of luck on your visit to the barn and mare. Please give her a big hug and cuddles...animals can be the best therapy of all.

[nix]

Maria, please try not to feel guilty. You always did the best thing for Pegs and, although it doesn't feel that way right now, you ARE a brave and strong person.

Rija isn't being neglected, her needs are being met where you keep her and they can do that, while you take the time you need to adjust to life without Pegaso. I know you are unhappy now, but time is a great healer. Good luck for this weekend, I'm sure a few hugs from both Olav and Rija are just what you need.

I'll email you soon.

(((((Hugs)))))
Nix
xx

[Esther.D]

dear friends,

he was my dream boy and I killed him, because I was too weak to cope with him and his antics... .


No, you were strong enough to recognise a very unhappy horse who was incurably mixed up and upset and were strong enough to out him out of his misery - being weak would have been to ignore the fact that he would never be a settled, truly happy horse and to go down the route of dominance and intimidation in order to force him to be the riding horse you wanted. You were strong enough to reject this route and chose the route that was more humane for Pegs. :)

The guilt will pass, gradually, I felt a similar guilt after Storm died, he was my pony from when I was 7 to 13 and had to be put to sleep with a back injury. I didn't regret the decision as he was loosing the use of a back leg so there was no option, but I bitterly regretted not having appreciated him more when I did have him...as a child I would get frustrated when he didn't behave as I wanted and complain about him :( In fact I loved him very much and he was a fantastic pony, but I was just not mature enough to see that he would never be happy as a Pony Club pony and in the last year of his life we did find our niche in endurance riding which he loved. But for years I beat myself up for not appreciating what I had and that was the reason I got Mac and starting driving rhe Shetlands as I couldn't bear another riding pony and I didn't get another one for 10 years. However it does pass, don't leave horses altogether, I found driving was a great therapy as it was different enough to take my mind off him. Just go down to the yard and try to accept your little mare for what she is, she will never replace Pegs but that is not her purpose....don't force yourself to do more than you feel happy with, as Nix says she is being cared for on the yard, so take your time, it is early days yet. It has taken me a while to accept Rupert - he never will be a replacement for Storm and doesn't have some of the abilities such as Storms amazing flashy effortless extended trot but he has other qualities and most importantly, he needs me to be there for him to trust.

Take care and look after yourself.

[cvb]

Just to back up what kedwards said - you are being REALLY unfair to yourself.

Had I been strong and brave, as many people wrongly state about me, I would have endured Peg's behaviour.

No. (a) you DID endure his behaviour - day in day out - and defended him against others, but (b) what you did was the strong and brave thing. You took responsibility for your horse's welfare, you worked through every option you could, and - at the end of the day - you put HIS welfare above your own. You may not be able to see this right now - but listen to all of us - WE can ;)

I know its tough not to blame yourself - my mother still tortures herself about the mare and foal she lost (long story - unknown foaling dates, vet came out the day before, mare went into foal in early hours and foal was too big :( ). But please try to see that you DID make the decision you needed to make.

also remember that you were putting an awful lot of emotional and physical effort into this up to the end - so there's bound to be a need to recharge your batteries and step back a bit til YOU are ok.

Its natural to grieve. But also give yourself permission to LIVE as well.

It sounds like your mare's basic needs are cared for - so how about looking after yourself a little and putting YOU first for a bit ?? :)

[Mehitabel]

oh chapsi, i'm so sorry for you. i have to echo kedwards and the others though - you didn't kill him because you were weak. he was a deeply unhappy horse and you could not have done anything more than you did to alleviate that misery.

of course in your grief you aren't far enough from the situation to know that in your heart as well as your head right now. but listen to us - we're always right! we all feel immensely for you - your situation was every one of our nightmares. you did the right thing for him, he was unhappy and you lket him out of that unhappiness. keep saying it until you believe it.

[amandal]

You weren't weak at all, you were brave, facing up to what had to be done for Pegs.

Give yourself time to get over him, guilt can be a stage of mourning, the next stage is often anger, moving through the stages will lead to acceptance and then you'll be able to move on, perhaps to enjoy your mare. It will be good that she's not at all like Pegs - you'll have different experiences with her and have a different relationship.

You bravely did your best for Pegs, that's all anyone can do.

You need to give yourself time, a relation of mine died when quite young and unexpectedly some years ago and I stayed angry about that for years - it really affected relationships I had, work, my health all because I wouldn't stop and allow myself time to grive. Some people just stay stuck on the guilt, some stay stuck in the anger of mourning, everyone needs the time.

[Miriam]

My thoughts are with you Chapsi. I know from past experience that it is hard to come to terms with a loved horse that has passed on. I still remember Fin and every easter I think more of her. The girl that I shared her with and I were talking about her the other day and worked out that it was 4yr ago gone this Month (I however can only remember it being Easter Monday and so always count Easter Monday as her special day). Fin would be now 6 and should have been doing all the things we had planned for her

We still to this day do not know why she suddenly became so sick. One min she was fine the next she was down and had to be carried off the field by the fire brigade and brought home on the flat trailer. vet spent hours with her. Your situation may have been slightly different but at the end of the day like us you made the right decisions for the right reasons. Dont beat your self up over it. I know I always ask myself why, what if was there anything we could do. She was so young and had a life ahead of her.

Time is the healer in all things.

[Sooty]

Chapsi, I'm so sorry. Time will gradually ease your pain, and your life will go on. I felt much like you describe when my sister died, but slowly and surely I started to look back with love and remember the happy times we shared. You will too.

Don't make any decisions regarding your mare, just do what you feel ready to, when you feel ready. The time will almost certainly come when she will begin to fill the void left by Pegáso.

my thoughts are with you
xx

[nutkin]

As others have said the decision you made was the right one and a brave one. You never gave up on your horse. Others may well have sold him long ago and passed on a very unhappy horse to someone who may not have understood him the way you did and made an unhappy horse even more unhappy. The feeling of guilt is part of the healing process of grief. The what ifs and why's are all part of helping us to come to terms with our losses.I haven't lost a horse but I have lost a child and can fully appreciate that to you Pegaso was your child and don't dispute that your grief can feel exactly the same feelings as mine or sooty's has and still does have. Yes time is a great healer and whils't you never get over your loss it does help you to look back on the good things with fond memories in time. With regard to your mare she is there for you and will help you to heal if only you let her. Yes it will be hard at first but remember she needs you to just as much as Pegaso did.

[Cheko]

So sorry to read about your horse. I know how you must be feeling. A few weeks ago, I had my cat who had been in the family 23 years put down. It's not easy and for a while, it wont be but life has to go on. Please go and see your mare and perhaps even take her for a short walk - just you and her. Believe me, it will be hard to go to the stables with all the memories you have but they'll be good ones. I wish you all the best and hope you will feel able to see your mare soon. Lotsa hugs!

[KarinUS]

Well, Maria, how did it go? :o

[KarenMcD]

Chapsi,

Keep remembering the good times - at the moment they will make you cry but keep remenbering them and then one day, without consciously realising, you'll be smiling....promise.

Karen

[OlavS]

As many others have said, Maria is being very hard on herself, unable to see that she did the kindest thing possible for her "dream horse"....only that he was cursed with ever raging hormones, and in effect self destructing.

I´ve visited every few months for the past year and I saw Pegaso getting ever fitter, his sweet itch disappared so his mane grew and Maria doing Spanish walk from the saddle, unaided.
But I also witnessed his increasing frustration and some viscious attacks. He charged at me once in the field and kicked out another time (but missed). I´ve seen the woman that was scarred in the face from him. Sure, he had the time of his life at Golega in November, he loved every second. But when I was over in February and went to say hello he was rearing in his box, totally unapproachable. He was clearly getting worse, his body producing hormones that caused wild and sudden mood swings. Although the fact that he was much nicer under saddle can only mean that he loved his ridden work, and he loved Maria although it was hard to show sometimes as his mind was clouded, poisoned even, from the hormones.

I just hope that she will let Rija into her heart. The three of us and Sábia will have a quiet trip into the forest tomorrow. Hopefully Maria will enjoy it. But more than that I hope that the curse will be lifted, that she can start to appreciate her sweet mare, and overcome her problems both horsey and otherwise.

[chapsi]

I went to the equine hospital yesterday to settle my account. To me, this was my outstanding action as regards Pegs departure.
I glanced at the rest boxes area and I noticed that another horse occupied his box, but I didn’t dare going in. All the time I was at the hospital, his presence was still there. Oddly, I felt more of his presence at the hospital, than what I do back at the yard.
The vet handed me a carrier bag with his belongings. Stable rug, headcollar, lead rope and his muzzle, all that is left of my magnificent boy.
I left sad. I miss him so. I am very lonely.

By the way, my vet has also been upset with the outcome of our Pégaso saga. He didn't charge this operation, solely his burial.

[Cheko]

Not Strictly Horsy But.... on the same subject....Know how you must be feeling. I had 9 cats and I've had to have everyone of them put down over several years due to old age or illness. I agree the worst thing is returning to pay the bill and collecting anything that belonged to your friend. It's the most awful (but often one of the kindest) things you have to do for a pet be it horse, cat, dog etc. My last cat (aged 23) died at home but that was no easier, in fact it was more stressful as we still have the chair he died on which is a constant reminder.

[Big Ears]

Maria

I wish we could all give you a magic spell to make you feel better but life isn't like that. I feel so so sad for you. To pick up his bits and pieces, it's the pits, the saddest thing.

You have been through so so much - it is very hard to love a horse who is so difficult, not his fault, he couldn't help it. You were so strong to look after him for so long, give him so many chances, try to fix him - you could have lied about him, sold him on, let another poor sucker get hurt by him.

I know life must be very empty without him - I too had to give up my dream horse Brownie and it broke my heart but I did the best I could for him and circumstances went against me. Sadly he has been returned to the horse charity from the home he was in for 2 years and this distresses me so much, as he didn't do well when he was there before. But what can I do - I am stretched financially like a rubber band with 2 horses, 3 donkeys, 7 cats, what I need like a hole in the head is an ex racehorse as well.

so I have to let him go, not think of him or I'll go mad.

I wish wish wish I could help you - time alone is the healer and you have been so brave, so driven to help poor Pegsy, it must leave just such a hole.

Try to love your little mare, try to let her heal you.

[OlavS]

Dear Maria

I'm sorry you had to go to the vet to pick up Pegaso's stuff. It must have been very hard revisiting the very place you and him parted in this life. I wish I could have been there and given my support.

I'm glad your vet has shown such sympathy and professionalism, and a nice gesture of not billing you for the surgery despite the number of hours it took. It may not be much a comfort, but at least the last dealings from Pegaso's life includes positives, not only sadness and grief.

Hugs,
Olav

[KarinUS]

Maria,

have you considered grief counseling? Somebody trained in helping people deal with loss...
I am very sorry your hurt is still so overwhelming!

:(

[Supercali]

I understand a bit of how you are feeling as we (my husband and I) have been through a similar situation.

A few years ago my husband had a horse that he doted on. The problem was that his horse was very spooky and we were novices. My husband got bucked off many times but still got back on his horse even though he was scared. He would never think of selling his 'friend' - he spent hours just cuddling him and feeding him mints!

One day he was lunging his horse and as I walked away, the horse spooked at something (although I didn't know this at the time) and pulled my Husband over. He tried to hold onto the lunge line but this scared the horse even more and in fright tried to jump out of the arena but ended up going through the fence and the rail speared him.

It was an awful sight but the vet managed to stitch him up but unfortunately he died during the night.

My poor husband cried solidly for 3 days and didn't speak at all for 2 weeks. I was beside myself as I didn't know what to say or how to help him. It wasn't helped by the fact that our friends and family didn't understand - it was 'just a horse'.

I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and cried whenever I to the stables (my horse was still there). Eventually my husband started to come to terms with what had happened - we both blamed ourselves. We went through all the photos and got a couple framed and talked about the good times we had with him.

A couple of months later, my husband expressed a wish that he wanted another horse and a few weeks later we got his new horse who he dotes on. We can never replace the horse we had but now another horse is benefiting from all our love.

I know your circumstances are different but I hope this gives you some hope that things do get better, it may take time but you will get there. Good luck.

[FreedomStar]

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but all I can do is offer my condolences and pray that things begin to mend for you. You can't ever replace him, each horse we ever come across in our lives, or that come across us, leaves a certain imprint on us. They all affect us in different ways, and Pegs left a definite impact on you. Don't ever feel that you caused his death. You wished him only peace and made the decision you felt best. You did not in any way kill or murder your horse.

[chubbypony]

Take every day one step at a time...breath...go to the barn and breath...smell the horsey smells...breath...remember how lucky you were to know such a special horse.

[entreat]

beautiful advice, chubbypony.

I'm sending you thoughts of love, comfort, strength and release, Maria.

[cvb]

Chapsi

Do you think you will have some closure from this ? I have already donated by retired chap's saddle to ILPH because I knew that it would be much harder when the time comes, and it also meant that his things were going to a good cause.

I hope you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel :HUG:

[Alle]

Chapsi,

I really hope you start feeling better soon. Someone mentioned grief counselling...I think this is a good idea if it's available. I really feel for you, and hope that you can back on track adn I'm sending you comfort vibes from Hawaii.

[Silvia]

So sorry to hear about your loss. I won't say I know what it's like, although I too have lost a horse - but things are never the same to two people.
What I would like to share with you is a text I was given by a friend when I had to let my boy go. My thoughts are with you.


Dealing with the Guilt.

Guilt. It's a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I kill my beloved pet? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I put him/her down too soon? Did I wait too long? If only I had closed the gate. If only I had noticed sooner. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had rushed to the vet sooner. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. If only I had gone to a better vet.

And we beat ourselves up for all these questions and "if-onlys". Why do we do this? Because we loved our pets. Because we wish we could have done more, or wish we had not done what we did.

But we cannot bring them back. We cannot change what we did or did not do.

What we can do is stop hurting ourselves over the guilt. Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt. Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.

We are human beings, with frailties and faults. We don't know everything. We make mistakes. But we make them with the best of intentions.

To hurt ourselves with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do disservice to the love we felt for our pets. We did the best we knew to do at the time. Even if we feel that we didn't do what we should have, or did what we should not have, we have learned, and everyone will benefit from that knowledge now.

Our beloved pets are gone, and out of pain. We still torture ourselves with the pain of guilt and doubt. It's human to do that, too, but are we being fair to ourselves?

We loved, deeply, and that says that we have a deep capacity for love that many do not. We are basically good people. Should we not recognize that goodness, instead of inflicting pain on ourselves for what we could, or should, or should not have done?

We took in a beloved creature, and gave him or her everything we could. We petted, we walked, we fed, we played, we stroked, we sat sleepless on difficult nights. We cared, and did everything we knew to do at the time. And we looked in their eyes, and knew they understood that we loved them, and knew that they loved us.

If we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that they did not understand, and love and forgive us in spite of it? I believe they did, and that they do.

We need to forgive ourselves. If we can, we can increase our knowledge, reach out to help others, and use our pain to make things better for our pets, for others' pets, and for those animals out there who are alone and lost. We can make a difference. But only if we quit hating ourselves, blaming ourselves, for being human.

Let the guilt go. Know that your furbabies don't blame you; they understand, because they know your heart. Let yourself forgive yourself, and allow all the love you have to be there for another. There are so many who need it.

by Ginger-lyn Summer

[Stella2]

Chapsi I'm so sorry for your loss :(

[Roseanne]

Hello Chapsi-it's a while since you posted, and I wondered how you are feeling now? Hope things getting better?

Take Care

Roseanne

[dcp]

really sorry to hear of your loss :( I hope you get see it through this difficult time and find some comfort with your friends here.

[chapsi]

Hi,

thank you for your concern. As I said time and time again, NR people have been a wonderful source of strength and your comments have been very comforting at times like this.

After my vet's visit, I kept Pegs rug in the car for a few days, which added a strong scent to it. His smell was the last thing I could hold on to for a little longer, until I was ready to let go. I came to the conclusion that the smell was more of Pegs' manure and sweat, instead of his usual sweet scent. It was the smell of death, his final 2 week ordeal (all the waiting in a stable) at the equine hospital.

On Sunday I brought his rug into the house. I washed his rug, his feed buckets, door plates, cleaned all the bits and bobs of his tack. I was busy, but all my cleaning had a cleasing effect on me. His door signs recollected memories of strops, bad moods, biting and it wasn't pleasant. His buckets, all chewed made me miss him awfully, but on the whole I feel better now.

Pegs is gone. He is free. With me remains the sense that one day, I had my dream horse and I loved him with all my passion. Nothing in this life belongs to us; all is solely lent and taken away. I now learned to enjoy what we have, while we have it...
Sure, I'm lonely, I miss him, but one cannot love intensely and to part as we did easily.

I'm fine folks. I'm on the mend.
Ahead of me the real challenge is to overcome my riding fears. In the meantime, to enjoy my mare's presence while she with me and to look for another horse more suited.

[Big Ears]

Maria

Oh Maria I feel so much better knowing that you are feeling a little better. Have been so worried about you. Glad that you have found the strength to deal with his bits and pieces. I remember a year after our beloved star donkey Big Ears died, I was picking out the vaccination cards for the others and came upon hers, I couldn't bring myself to throw it away, and just sat there and howled. Even now, 5 years later, I can hardly bear to look at a picture of her without bawling my eyes out. So you are in good company.

Aimee donkey wears her old rug, and the final thing was when we cleared out the muck heap which had composted down, I realised that all that was left of her here was her ashes buried under a birch tree (eaten a bit by Rosie horse).

I hope that the next few months bring you a bit more peace and tranquility. You will go forward, go back, but you will go on.

[Tootsie4U]

:)

I needn't write anything because that smiley says it all.

[Mehitabel]

i'm so glad you're on the road to recovery, chapsi. we're all here with you, however long it takes.

[Alle]

I am so glad you are feeling better. You have so much strength that you will overcome any riding fears. It will come, and you have a lot of people from all over the world cheering you on.

[Dales_Lover]

I'm glad are now feeling the grip of pain loosen - remember - Never mourn for the past or anticipate the future ... treasure the moment.

[emma314]

I'm sorry this is really late, I haven't been on NR much lately. But I just wanted to say that I am very sorry to hear about Pegaso. I'm glad you are beginning to feel a bit better now and it'll only get easier as time goes on. I remember when my pony died I didn't want anything to do with horses again. But fate must've thrown Ahab in my path and I joined NR soon after :) Pegaso will always be with you as long as you remember him.

[rusk]

Have you read this site? It's sort of like a memorial site for horses and you can add one for your own horse. I logged on and put a message on for my horse, Jamie, who I lost eight years ago. (it still hurts)
I also started a site of my own for him and wrote about all the things we had done together. At time s I was crying while writing but it really helped me.I do have other horses now but nothing will ever be the same as me and him together, although I really try. I have one boy who is very difficult and I think he was sent to keep me busy and my thoughts off what happened to Jamie.
I think it is a hard thing to recover from so all the best.

[LindaAd]

Hello Chapsi ... I haven't been here for a long, long time and I've just seen your news. I know it's eight weeks ago now, but still I'm sitting here crying. Your Pegs was the best-loved horse on here, and you were the most courageous owner - and that's saying a lot. No one could have done more for a horse. I hope now you're beginning to feel a little stronger, and to enjoy your lovely mare.


Linda



[I think it is a hard thing to recover from so all the best.[/QUOTE]

[chapsi]

Hi Linda,

this post was actually started a month after Pegs departed. For the full story, there is another thread.

Three months are nearly gone by. Finally I'm letting go and he is in peace. You could say I'm on the mend! ;)

I've been trying to re-organise my life around horses. They are a continuous obcessive thought. I am looking at horses ads and last week I went to see one stunning boy. :eek:
However, many issues at still at stake. Firstly, I must sell my mare. It's no point. She needs a different kind of rider and I need a different kind of horse (we are too alike). :(
Then I must recover my confidence. What a monumental hurdle! :rolleyes:

On the whole, time is helping with the healing process.
All I can say, is that to love so much a horse is not good. The afterwards is too painful and nothing will ever be the same. I realise that no matter how much I seek, I'll never bond with another horse. Not with the same intensity, anyway. In every single horse I look for Pegs, but I guess is too far way from this world.

Many smilies... I'm trying, though.

[LindaAd]

Hi Linda,

this post was actually started a month after Pegs departed. For the full story, there is another thread.

Three months are nearly gone by. Finally I'm letting go and he is in peace. You could say I'm on the mend! ;)

I've been trying to re-organise my life around horses. They are a continuous obcessive thought. I am looking at horses ads and last week I went to see one stunning boy. :eek:
However, many issues at still at stake. Firstly, I must sell my mare. It's no point. She needs a different kind of rider and I need a different kind of horse (we are too alike). :(
Then I must recover my confidence. What a monumental hurdle! :rolleyes:

On the whole, time is helping with the healing process.
All I can say, is that to love so much a horse is not good. The afterwards is too painful and nothing will ever be the same. I realise that no matter how much I seek, I'll never bond with another horse. Not with the same intensity, anyway. In every single horse I look for Pegs, but I guess is too far way from this world.

Many smilies... I'm trying, though.


Thanks for the message, Chapsi. I am glad you're on the mend ... No, another horse will never be the same, but you can't imagine now what another horse will be like. It has to grow slowly ...

I read your thread about the wonderful stallion ...I agree, horses like that change how we feel even if we know we couldn't possible buy them. I met
two wonderful horses in Spain last summer - one stallion, who knew all about dressage; one gelding, who took me out through the peach and almond trees ... They helped me get my confidence back; although I haven't really ridden since then, I know I will be able to.

Linda

[entreat]

Oh Chapsi! It's so relieving to hear (read) you talking in more & more positive terms. We understand how hard its been for you!

~*hugs*~

[cvb]

Chapsi - each relationship (whether with horse or person ;) ) is unique. But that does not mean they are any the less "important".

I think I have the kind of bond you had with Pegs with my old chap, Red. But Fi and I have a bond too - just of a very different nature.

It IS kind of weird having them both here at the same time. In a way it was easier when Fi was in Sweden and Red was in Scotland :rolleyes: And, with no logic at all, whether the two of them get on with each other has more significance than it should :rolleyes:

But Fi is "mine" (and I am "hers") just as much as Red in "mine" and I am "his".

It IS possible. It does take some adjustment (I'd forgotten how different mares were :rolleyes: ). But it can happen.

[Big Ears]

Chapsi, I have the two cob girls, who look identical but are chalk and cheese in temperament.

I get on better with Rosie, who is more straight forward in many ways, but my heart aches for Molly, who is such a dimwit and struggles with life, but hasn't a bad bone in her body, just lacks brain!

Rosie is super bright and if you can get her to use it in your favour, she is a very good girl. Of the two, I feel closer to Rosie as I understand her completely, while over hte years Molly has been a complete trial at times.

The horse I was completely bonded with, Ben, was sold from beneath me so to speak, and it broke my heart as I wanted to keep him. That was 15 years ago.

Then I met Humphrey and had him as a sharer for a year, and he was a wonderful old fellow.

I think you have to just try to find the positive in each one, they all have their personalities, and you will, in time, find one you are perhaps more in tune with. what you can't do is go out there and find a Pegsi replacement - it doesn't exist and it would be wrong for you to try to find a duplicate, as the poor horse hasn't a chance of living up to the image. Get something that looks and acts totally different.

I have 7 cats - they are all very very different, and when one dies, we take in an older one and give it a home - but never take in one that is in any way like the one we have lost. I have seen it time and time, people try to find one that looks the same, but of course they aren't

[entreat]

Chapsi - each relationship (whether with horse or person ;) ) is unique. But that does not mean they are any the less "important".
So true. When Cody died, I never thought I'd love another horse like that. He'd given me the world. But when I met Casper, I realised that Cody didn't just fill a space in my heart (where horses had been missing), but he made it bigger, so I could fit Casper in there too. And when Casper leaves me for the rainbow bridge, he'll leave his mark big enough to fit in one more horse, who will leave a mark for another.