Lack of Confidence. Help Please

[Pandora]

Hi All
Can I just firstly say that I am new to the Forum and have spent the last hour browsing through it.
I would love you to give me your views and advice on a few things folks. You seem a very friendly and helpful bunch.!
I am now in my early forties and have been 'in love' with horses since before I could walk. I rode from the age of 2ish until I was about 16. After many years out of the saddle a good friend who also wanted to get back into riding asked me if I would go on a beach ride with her. We both now live in France. As soon as our ride was over I knoew I was hooked again.! I had a few lessons and rode friend's horses for a while then decided to buy my own. I will cut a long story short here, but briefly, I let my heart rule my head, bought the wrong horse, and had a couple of nasty falls. The second of which has left me very nervous and feeling incompetent. I know the accidents were through no fault of my own, only perhaps a lack of knowledge, but my Mare as it turned out had a back problem. I sadly sold her on about a year ago.
So now to my questions. I am also an overweight rider, which I am sure you are all thinking will hamper my riding ability. I have a fear of mounting in front of others as I have to use a mounting block. My friends are encouraging me to go and have some lessons to get my confidence back, but my daughter rides at my nearest riding school, and I am so embarrassed that I will have to ride in front of people who know me. How can I deal and overcome my lack of confidence and fear of falling off and getting hurt again ?
Next question: I weigh 112kg (sorry not sure in stones) . Do you think I am far too heavy to ride.?
Last question. I would love to own a horse of my own again. To form that special bond, and to trust each other completely. Would buying another one make it easier to build up my confidence or do you think I should just forget it ?
Sorry I went on a bit there, but am in such a quandary. I need all the help and advice I can get.
Reading back on this I think I should just sign up for the nearest Weightwatchers !!!
:o

[Alle]

Welcome to NR!

You say you don't want to embarrass yourself in front of people you know. How, exactly, would you be doing that by taking lessons? :) When we are seld conscious about something, we think everyone around must be looking at us and laughing, but the opposite is more likely to be true.Maybe, just to acclimate yourself, you can schedule a lesson a a time when fewer people are about?

It's more important to have confidence in the quality of the school and instruction, then to imagine people are laughing at you. :) And if you want a good laugh, I should post a pic of me riding my mare when I first bought her...yikes! Yet, no one made fun of me and I improved.

As to the weight issue, I am not sure what 112kg equates to, but talk about it with the instructor first. I was overweight when I first started, and dropped 25 pounds. I need to lose more, but I'm getting there. So loosing the weight will not only benefit your riding, but you health, so that shouldn't hold you back. There was one woman who wanted to get in shape before started lessons. She never did get into the shape she thought she should be in though, and since she wasn't *that* big, she merely talked herself out of doing something she would enjoy, which is sad. Another friend of mine started back recently, and the riding has helped her fitness, and in fact, encouraged her to do more workout related things...she has lost 15 pounds.

As for getting another horse, I would wait a little on that...get some lessons i and take it from there. And this time, enlist the help of experienced people like the RI when viewing horses. I am so glad that I had experienced help when I purchased mine.

Wow...I am very longwidned today, sorry! Best of luck!:p

[jumper-4-joy]

Don't give up!!!:)

I know exactly what your going through. I fell off my horse jumping, and I am still apprehensive and nervous a little. But, the problem is trust, like you mentioned.You will always be nervous if you do not trust the horse you ride. You need to know that you are in control, and nothing bad will happen. So,

1) Don't buy a horse yet.

When I bought a horse, I got very nervous. Not with riding (he was the funnest horse in the world!), but with the fact if I was hurting him by not taking care of him right. Of course i was, but I was still nervous. If I accidently scratched him or dropped his hoof after picking it out, I would beg for his forgivness:o . And, when training, if things didn't go right, I blamed myself and got upset. So, the point I am trying to make is don't buy a horse yet until your confident because you will get too emotionally attached and blame everything on yourself, worry yourself silly, and maybe not be able to get confidence back. But, when you feel ready and know what to look for, buy that special horse that you'll never forget.

2)Don't worry about weight (it is just a number). I was always heavier. I would ride, and sometimes feel very self concious around my slim trim friends. But, eventually, I just thought- if it matters sooooooo much, change it, if it doesn't who cares?? When I took up riding, it really didn't matter to me. The horses don't care!!:p Plus, other equestrains respect you for your skills, not for your looks. So if you feel self concious, think "I am just as good as them. I am riding in their class, aren't I? And, if you want to improve before riding in front of the other people, ask about private lessons.

3) Don't dwell on it!
Chances are, your thinking about the problems so much, they feel bigger than they really are. When you get nervous, just think "who cares? who cares if i fall off? i'll just get back on! who cares, I love riding anyway!" Also, look to books for help. There are many books on riding and fear. A book I recommend for balance, breathing, and riding is "Centered Riding" by sally swift. Get this book, and it will help, I have many book and this is the best one!

So, go get lessons. Make a bond with a lesson horse, But, don't get so attached you can't be assertive. Don't worry, be happy.
Sorry for the long post, I hope all of this helps!!!

[Pandora]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice guys. It's good to know that someone understands. I will certainly have alook for the book you recommend jump4joy.:)

[domane]

Don't give up! If it's in your bones, you must feed your obsession!!! :D

Welcome to NR by the way, yes we are all very friendly and it is very addictive!!

To use a mounting block is kinder to your horse's back anyway so nothing wrong with that at all. My mare is liveried on a large yard of 50+ and we ALL use the mounting block regardless of our age or size (I'm 42 and size 16)!

Lessons - don't be nervous, is there any way you can have some private lessons at a time of day when there are less people around (weekdays?) so less to watch you? And "shop" around until you find an instructor you feel happy with and can build a rapport with.

Don't worry about the weight issue.... if you start riding again regularly you may find that you start to lose some anyway and if you REALLY get involved at the yard with mucking out and grooming, that will help to burn calories too! And AHEM.... WHY would we think that being overweight would "hamper your riding skills"???? Not at all.... :p

I wouldn't buy another horse just at the moment as I feel you need to get some confidence back first.... but it's certainly something to focus on for the future. I can understand your longing for your own again but I would suggest that you wait a while and take things slowly at the mo.

Good luck and make sure you keep us posted with developments. :D

[Ross]

I second every thing already said :) Don't be embarassed - riding schools are for people to learn at, so everyone there is learning something. I've never found people to be bothered just because you're not riding Grand Prix Dressage :)

Using a mounting block is better for you, the saddle and the horse, so definitely not something to get worried about. When available, I always used one. And no, you're not too heavy to ride, as long as you don't choose a really small horse/pony!

I think you should go for it and try the riding school. I think it's true that we put pressure on ourselves when no-one else is really all that bothered about our predicament - I know I used to. So just try and think "I do this for fun, and I'm enjoying it" and then it doesn't matter if you're not the best rider in the world.

Most of all, go and have fun :)

Ross

[lgourlay36]

Why dont you book an individual lesson just you and the RI that way you will get the initial worry about mounting etc out of the way and meet the horse and get to know both the horse and RI.
I know from my experience and talking to others in the lesson that they were just as self conscious and I guarantee the others are too busy worrying about what they look like/staying on board/their stirrup length/is the saddle about to fall off/am I gonna fall off to even notice what you are doing.

Good luck :D

[Pandora]

Oh Thank you all so much for your comments, I'm feeling a little more confident already. This morning a friend asked me to go and have a ride on her 'very safe' Appy. I said I would think about it. So now I have decided to call her and say Yes.!!! This can be my pre-lesson lesson, if you see what I mean.! My friend obviously is happy for me to ride her horse and doesn't think I'm useless and too fat. So why should I care what anyone else thinks. I need to start beleiving in myself, and I hope this is the start of great things to come.!:)
Thanks guys, I'll keep you posted.

[cvb]

Pandora

We have a weekly "healthy" thread for all us folk who want to get healthier to help our riding. It is not about pure weight lose as we also have a few folk around who need to gain weight, or some who simply want to be fitter and healthier. Normally posted on a Tuesday to update but you'll see there's one around today ;)

How can I deal and overcome my lack of confidence and fear of falling off and getting hurt again ?


build step by step - don't do too much too fast. That will also help with you getting fitter as well. Anything you can do off a horse that will help with - breathing, balance, tone - do it ;) Pilates, yoga, or simply go for a walk ;)

find a horse and instructor you can trust - and be open about your concerns.

have fun :D (thats a big help with nerves) i.e. don't make it all too serious and "work". and don't worry about using a mounting block. Sure its useful to be able to mount from the ground. I can do that with our 13.3, but not with my 15.1... there are sensible limits and don't be embarassed about doing what is sensible for you and the horse.

don't blame yourself for what happened in the past. You already seem to recognise where it went wrong last time...

Mark Rashid is a horsman who also does aikido. He talks about not trying to do black belt stuff when you're only a green belt ;)

[vince42]

Don't dwell on the weight issue too much - I was heavier than that when I started riding but I made a real effort to lose weight slowly with the motivating factor that as I lost weight I'd be able to ride more and different horses:) I've lost 3 stones over 2 years (about 20Kg) and still want to lose a bit more, but it took a long time to put it on so it takes time to take it off...

Give me a mounting block every time even for ponies:D nicer for you and the horse.

Find a good school with calm horses and a nice instructor and have fun! If it's not fun then you might have to keep looking for the right place until you find it but the right one is out there somewhere.

Vince

[Stella2]

Hello Pandora. I agree with what has been said by the others and I just wanted to say Welcome to NR :)

[Afellpony]

Hello Pandora and welcome. Just want to second what everyone else has said. Let us know how it goes.

[Pandora]

Thanks again everyone. I'm so surprised and so chuffed that you have all bothered to reply. With all your encouragement I don't think it will take me as long as I thought to get back on track. I'll definately be keeping you all posted.:D A big Thank you to all.

[brandy's mum]

Hi and welcome to NR. I felt horribly self conscious to begin with but one thing that helped me was to realise that by the time I'd got my riding stuff on , specially the body protector and hat nobody at all would recognise me!

you could always put them on inthe car park!
Good Luck

[Wally]

There is no shame in using a mounting block, There are a lot of schools over here who will not allow mounting from the ground even if you are 10kg wringing wet.

The wrong horse can knock you terribly, finding the right one can be a bit of a problem, but they are out there.

I am no lightweight, but who cares, the horses I ride have no problem with me and we have fun.

Get out there and the more you do the more the weight will fall off you, before you know where you are you'll have lost weight and not know where it went! Confidence will grow and you won't look back

Good luck enjoy your ride.

[joang863]

Welcome to the board Pandora. I know just how you feel. Aside from riding, almost everyone on the board is dealing with other issues, either self confidence, physical limitations, time restraints, whatever, and they are so supportive! You will be so happy you joined. I also had a confidence problem when I started only 9 months ago, and it took 3 stables and 4 instructors before I found the right one. Plus I found a wonderful school horse that knows my limitations better than I do! She KNOWS when I'm confused or in some sort of a quandary.(sp?) The exercise has been so beneficial to me, and I just so look forward to lessons. Good luck. You'll be fine!

P.S. If I didn't use the mounting block ALL the time, I would never have made it onto the horse ever! I would have spent the 9 months just hanging there from the stirrup!

[Little Dolphins]

Like me, you are probably remembering a time when we rode as kids, when using a mounting block was frowned upon; there were none to be seen in riding schools! I was mighty surprised to come back to riding last year after a loooooong gap, to discover that mounting blocks are the Thing To Do.
So, there's one worry out of the window!
Next, falling from new horse; done that and it hurts- your body and pride and confidence! Just listening to encouraging voices like the ones on NR helps enormously. Also, take your time.
It's expensive, but having some private lessons does work, as others have said. You get the chance to say how you feel to the instructor.
I was v. lucky to have a kind and experienced person to help me find my mare. Perhaps you will meet someone at a riding school who can help in the buying process when you are ready.
Best of luck, Pandora, and keep us posted:) ;) ;)

[rianne21]

112kg is 17st 6lbs and trust me there is nothing to be embarrased about horses are strong animals :0) my friend weighs 19stone and she still rides. don't let other peoples opinions of your riding bother you. there are, unfortunatley tons of over critical riders out there, just think to yourself that they must see your good points as a rider too and that's why they winge about your bad points :0)

[stormandsummer]

Hi pandora and welcome to one of the warmest forums for all horses addicts :D

Many people have already said there is no shame in using a mounting block, I do too, i too have simular issues to you, weight and a bad back, mine was due to a car accident but still a bad fall and well lets just say it would cause real problems, neither of these things have put me off riding........... it is in your blood/genes who knows but be thankful you have been lucky enough to have the horsey bug............

There are many plus sized riders, older and younger too, so age is not an issue, as long as the horse is capable to carry you, then your weight is never an issue.

I too suffer with nerves too but having butterflies is not a criminal offence and if you take things very slowly you will build yourself up, you may never be a super confident rider but you will learn that it is ok to be nervous, it is human nature.

Good luck and keep us all posted after your first lesson :D