Feeling discouraged.... (this is long)

[Hanamoon]

Well, I've been riding since last summer and my skills have dramatically improved. I've gone from barely being able to trot around the ring twice without needing oxygen to walk/trot/canter and some little jumps at trot & canter... sounds good, right?

Well, following a big shake-up at the barn and a trainer taking some students with her I've been able to try some new horses at the RS. This also has been great. I've been tacking up some naughty lesson horses (nippers/cowkickers) for myself and my kids, again feeling especially pleased with myself. I've been dreaming of hacking out, riding in Central Park next month, maybe taking a riding vacation and generally feeling pretty special...

Yesterday I tried a new horse who was so sweet when I went to get her. We got in the ring and she immediately got on the rail, we walked, trotted, worked for the first time without stirrups at the trot. Then...

As we worked on cantering and changing directions something changed and the horse started going faster and faster. I become more and more anxious and soon assume the "fetal fatal" position, heart palpitates, RI yelling at me. Horsie is completely ignoring my tugs on the reins so I start pulling wildly. I even thought to myself "today's the day - you're going down". This goes on for a while and I'm still trying my best to continue cantering. RI is mostly yelling at me but I barely hear her, vague noises of "stop it" "why are you doing that?", etc. Highlight of the lesson was when I was so worried I finally yelled "whoa" and my RI yelled at me for saying it.... For the first time I was watching the clock waiting for the lesson to end. Worse, my RI left the school as I was untacking the once again sweet horsie which left me feeling like RI was mad at me for pulling on the bit, abusing the horse, that I'll never "get it".... so I never got to talk to her afterwards and figure out what went wrong. AAAAGH.

Part of me thinks that RS horses figure they have about 50 laps around the ring in any given lesson: a little walk, a little trot, a little canter, pop a couple of jumps and back in the stall for a snack - perhaps my horse thought if she amped up the speed she'd be back for snack that much faster? Or was it me? I know my mounting terror freaked her out....

Will I ever stop being a nervous nellie? How do I break the cylce of tensing up, curling into a ball, leaning forward, etc.? Can a 26 year old RI understand a 40 year old's fear of falling/breaking bones/head injury? Who would take care of my kids? My husband would be easy pickings for any female that came along with the ability to operate a washing machine....

Any words of encouragement are so hugely needed!

[RustyMary]

Oh pet... I'm way behind you in the riding stakes so I can't offer any concrete advice, but here's lots of sympathy and encouragement! Can you ring your RI up and talk to her to try to find out what went wrong before your next lesson?

[Ross]

You're doing really well, and improving - you said so yourself :) This was unfortunate, and it doesn't sound as though your RI was much help! Certainly disapearing when you'd clearly had a bad time wasn't useful. But don't beat yourself up about it. Next lesson, try and speak to your RI first and ask what she thinks went wrong.

It does sound a bit like you panicked - when you get into a difficult situation, try and think "I can do this", and sit up tall and breathe. I know that feeling where you forget everything you've ever known about riding and whimper in the corner :) Have a picture in your mind of you riding beautifully, and try and summon it when something gets wrong...

I know it's hard, but if you think back a few months, you'd have been much worse and probably fallen off - at least you know now that you can stay on while this happens, so if it happens again, bear that in mind :)

Don't despair - we all have bad days

Ross

[Bay Mare]

It's difficult to know without knowing the horse but you're probably best having a word with your RI anyway and see what she says. Believe it or not you will have learned something from that and with the right advice from your RI will handle it better next time.

Everything that you did is a natural reflex and perfectly understandable. The problem is that our natural reflexes don't help situations like that so we have to work to overcome them. Half halts rather than tugging on the reins would be better, hauling on the reins only gives them something to pull against and there is no human on earth that will win against a horse! Sitting up can sometimes be enough to slow a horse down, 'crouching' can have the opposite effect.

The problem is, though, that anything that your RI yells at you at those times is completely lost on you, all you're worrying about is staying on.

I remember the first time that I tried canter in my lesson with Saff. I'd cantered her in the school before without incident but this day my trainer wanted to do more work than we usually did. She was fine the first couple of times (apart from doing a beautiful counter canter on the first go) and came back to me wonderfully. On the third go, though, she got her silly head on and was VERY excited. I wouldn't canter her until I got her less excited in trot but once we went into canter she was off like a rocket.

I was more concerned about her falling over as she was still young and didn't have the best balance in the world. Unfortunately I was worrying about the wrong thing :eek: I SHOULD have been worrying about her galloping around the arena and how the hell I was going to stop her. We did a whole circuit of the school getting faster and faster with me yelling helpfully "oh s***" at regular intervals (it wasn't my finest hour), she then carried on and headed straight for the wall at the end which I was CONVINCED she was going to jump. There is a huge drop on the other side into another field and I did not want to even attempt to jump that. Turning her in a technically correct way didn't help and I was undecided about whether to bail out or not (it was fast). It got to the point where we were going straight for the wall when suddenly she flipped her back end around, deposited me on the wall, I slithered down it and we were that close that I was up against the wall and she caught me in the chest with her hoof (she's barefoot THANKFULLY). She then stood a few feet away looking at me as if to say "what are you doing down there?".

As I staggered up, very bruised and very shaky my trainer carried the mounting block over and got me back on board :eek: We then worked on disengaging the hindquarters and turning in a circle! Apparently I'd been too polite in trying to turn her and she was so hyped up that it had no effect whatsoever.

So, I can completely sympathise with what you did and how you're feeling. I still cringe when I think of my performance that day. I 'knew' that I should try to turn her in a circle but was more worried about her falling over .....

[Peace]

Will I ever stop being a nervous nellie? How do I break the cylce of tensing up, curling into a ball, leaning forward, etc.? Can a 26 year old RI understand a 40 year old's fear of falling/breaking bones/head injury?

Yes, you will.:)

The best way to break the "fatal fetal" syndrome is to practice, over and over, slowing the horse by sitting up tall and putting more weight into your seatbones. After awhile, it'll become second nature.

And yes, believe it or not a young RI can understand us middle-aged crazies.;) My 21 year old trainer who literally was riding before she could talk is amazing at calming me down and making me feel as though I've acheived something positive every lesson. I think it's because she treats me the same as she does the really spooky mares.:rolleyes:

Words of encouragement: OK, you had a little panic attack. You're not the first person to do it -probably not even the first person this week to do it.;) You just need to learn a different way of reacting to fear. And you can do this!!! I used to be such a fatal fetal croucher that I could make the *horse* fall down.:eek: But I retrained myself so that now my first reaction is to stretch up tall, not crouch over. It just takes practice.:)

[Hanamoon]

Thanks everyone for the replies, nothing more soothing that someone else's story of a nasty fall to put things in perspective! And I've really taken the advice to heart. Keep the advice coming!

Yesterday, along with feeling out of control I especially felt bad about pulling on the horse's mouth. I was extremely upset that I didn't get to speak with my RI afterwards and worried that she was mad at me - now I'm peeved that in spite of how anxious I had been she took off without talking to me... her student... the one paying for the lesson.... I'll definitely talk to her before my lesson this weekend and get her take on what went wrong.

[LMS]

First: I'm so sorry about your experience but...

In a way it's a good thing that you did experience it AND lived to tell the tale:) Good for you for having stayed on. As my coach would say:"You rode a real horse!" Meaning not all horses are perfect, they are after all, living, breathing, thinking beings.

That experience is a notch on your belt of many more to come. And as you learn & progress, as nerve wracking as they are, you will handle it better each time. Toddlers don't learn to walk & run in one day.

What does bother me though is your RI's lack of professionalism in handling the whole ordeal.

I seriously take my riders' concerns seriously as does my coach to me. I don't yell "Stop" or "What are you doing?!" when there is a crisis going on.

Only when it's under control & I need to make my rider realize what's happening.

Your RI should've been telling you what to do, then come to you once it was under control again & assess with you what had just happened & givenyou the choice of carrying on or sitting it out.

Then after the lesson, come & check up on you.

When I went through one of my rider levels, I had to return to jumping & I was anxious about it. I did all the flatwork on my stable's horses but when came the time to actually jump, I went to another stable where my coach is.

My horse did not like being separated from the group, when finally after the 5th (out of 6) lessons, he blew up when I asked for the canter. He kicked out, lunged about, tried to bolt & aimed for a wall. I was oblivious to my surroundings, couldn't understand the garblings from my instructor, only key words. I was so concerned that someone would get hurt. Finally she yelled:"The whip!" "Get rid of it!".

I did, he stopped but was as shaken as me & everyone else. She asked if I was ok, what I wanted to do so I finished my flatwork at the walk & trot only. Got off & fell apart. Someone took the horse away for me.

I sat out half of the lesson to get myself back together (I was shaking & crying). Normally I'm a very strong rider/person but too many things were happening in my personal life & I was nearing the end of my training before my provincial instructor's exam, that this instance just was to much for me.

A fellow rider then generously offered me her horse (a rock solid push button sweetheart) & I was given the choice to carry on for the last 15min of the lesson. I did. It was really difficult because I was still shaking.

My coach then carried on & had another chat with me after everyone had left the arena. I really appreciated it.

I do the same with my riders. I don't mollycoddle, but I care.

Ends up my horse had had an unfinished argument with one of the other horses in the arena. So he was in a mood & wanted to finish what he had started. I wish someone would've said something before I'd put my foot in the stirrup!

[KateWooten]

We then worked on disengaging the hindquarters and turning in a circle!

That's exactly it ! I can't understand why beginners aren't taught the one-rein-stop so they never have to go through these situations. It works perfectly and stops the poor rider from having to tense up and wonder what to do next. Practice the 1-rein-stop and train the horse to understand it... honestly, I don't think I'll ride another horse that doesn't know it. Ask your RI about it, and if she doesn't know, and can't give you a coherent, simple recipe for what to do if the horse takes off with you . . . then time for a new RI!

[raingodz]

Firstly, I know this was a hard lesson but please don't be too disheartened, think of how far you have come.

I don't think that all instructors do understand what it is like to fail or feel out of control and so they do not know how to support a person in that situation because it is alien to them. But I do think they could have been a bit more caring and stay a the end and talk through what you did right and what you can improve on.

I'm sure there are people on NR who can (and some who already have) help you on the technical parts of your lesson. But I am sure you can go back and ride a horse in your next lesson and talk to your RI and you will be able to continue to improve as a rider.

[Baileigh]

It can be hard for an old time rider to understand the fear of the new rider, especially if the old time rider is confident - it can actually come as a shock to an older rider when they re-experience that fear, because it can freeze you completely, so it's possible that your RI doesn't understand how you feel, and you might have to explain to her.

The horse does understand you are scared, and quite a few are apt to play on it. The first thing is not to fear falling off - the more you fear falling off, the more afraid you get when things go wrong. Falling off isn't the end of the world, you get a bump and knock about, but you get back up and get back on - which is the way to look at it. Sometimes - you even land on your feet ;-)

Try - when you are getting panicked to control your breathing - keep your balance, but work on relaxing and moving with the horse. The horse isn't going to put itself in danger, so while it might be racing like a loony, trust that it isn't going to purposefully hurt itself (although do watch where they are running about, since sometimes they run at things and stop suddenly - creating a sailing through the air rider). But if you can control your breathing and concentrate on your position - something mundane, like keeping your hands and feet where they should be, rather than thinking how scared you are, you'll find that you'll regain confidence.

Another thing to remember is that ''pulling wildly'' is unlikely to work, all you'll do is confuse the horse as to what you want, you need to give clear, firm signals - while I realise this is easier said than done, you can do it - just try to keep your breathing calm, and give normal clear signals, tighten your reins, squeeze and ask for her to slow down, like you would bringing her from trot to walk.

Trust me, I know how you feel - I've been riding for 20 years now, yet twice I've ''bottled out'' - gone from being a very confident, cocky rider to someone who looked at a horse in fear. You just have to trust and confidence in yourself and your abilities, it's natural to be scared, you just have to learn that you can do it, so you don't need to be scared. And it sounds like you've come a long way, so be proud of yourself, don't be discouraged. Maybe have a few lessons on some nice school masters, rather than a more spirited horse.

Good luck xx

[Hanamoon]

I really appreciate the insight and advice, relaxing has always been my biggest challenge and must be something that takes time. I've always felt that even an "unpleasant" lesson (for whatever reason) still has a lot to teach me and even though I was upset after my last session I'm still really looking forward to my lesson this weekend - I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunity to put everyone's suggestions into action!

[Bay Mare]

Playing devil's advocate for your RI ... maybe it felt worse to you than it actually looked! She may not have even realised how freaked out you were by it. I know when my little 'incident' happened my RI didn't realise that I had found it much, much worse than it had appeared to him. It was only when I didn't get up straight away that he got concerned and toddled over to see if I was ok. The fact that you carried on with the lesson (well done, btw) maybe 'told' her that you were fine which is why she didn't appear overly concerned.

What's wrong with me? I'm being nice ;)

With regards to tugging on the reins I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. As long as you're not yanking on them throughout the lesson, every lesson, there won't be a problem. I once has to almost pull out madame's back teeth to stop her jumping a hedge (rather than stopping which is what I wanted her to do) and felt awful afterwards but not as awful as I'd felt if she'd have jumped the hedge into the woods and done herself even more damage!

In an ideal world we would never do a lot of the things that we do. At least you do feel bad about it which means that you are a sensitive and kind rider so aren't likely to do things that you shouldn't 99.99999% of the time! I think that under the circumstances you were in it is completely understandable.

[joe21]

Yesterday I tried a new horse who was so sweet when I went to get her. We got in the ring and she immediately got on the rail, we walked, trotted, worked for the first time without stirrups at the trot. Then...



I certainly cannot tell you why it happened, but one thought that comes to mind is the stirrups (especially if you were riding a western saddle where they hang longer). Maybe the stirrups were banging against the horse's side and he took it as a "faster" cue? If so, once you shifted your weight forward (fatal fetal position) it was basically telling him to go even faster yet.

Main this is that you stayed on. Now you KNOW you don't have to fall when that happens. So you don't have to be (as) scared in the future. Every experience can be a learning experience.

Other things to keep in mind is that a horse, even a frightened one, will not run into a wall, off a cliff, etc. Whether in an arena or on a trail, it is sometimes better to just take a breath, compose yourself and go along for the ride. I mean, if the horse is hell bent for leather and completely refuses to slow/stop sometimes it is better to let him have his head for a moment or two before you try again. Instead of holding on, trying to relax _and_ trying to stop the horse, just work on the hold on/relax for a moment and then attempt to stop the horse.

[Hanamoon]

Main this is that you stayed on. Now you KNOW you don't have to fall when that happens. So you don't have to be (as) scared in the future. Every experience can be a learning experience.



It's nice that my NR friends have pointed out that I managed to stay on - hey, that was quite a nice feat on my part!

I'm sneaking in a lunchtime lesson today although I'm hoping it will just a be a regular learning experience instead of a super-sized, character-building, "that-which-does-not-kill-you-makes-you-stronger "learning experience"!

Thanks everyone!!!!!!!

[Trewsers]

Aw Hanamoon, sounds like you did well to stop on at all!!! Firstly, I really know how it feels to have a younger instructor (I'm 36 and my first teacher at our yard was 17:p ). They simply don't understand how you can be so scared of falling off, and the consequences!!! Although I don't have kids to support I do have other commitments, husband, mum and dad to think about and a business to run - so I don't relish the thoughts of being injured!!! It could be that the horse simply wanted to end the lesson and get back for a tasty snack, my mare has a habit of pleasing me very quickly as much as she can - this means, when I ask for canter, she does exactly what I ask (sometimes tries to canter before I want her to) and then she thinks we'll cool off and go home for carrots and tea.......:D School horses are notorious for "knowing" when the lesson is coming to an end. I wonder if the horse also speeded up knowing you were getting tenser and tenser? I used to throw all good reason out the window when cantering - poor Storm used to speed up that much she nearly fell over once!!!!:eek: I don't think any good riding instructor would be mad at you - its their job to teach and your job to learn, and making mistakes is all part of it! Hope you get to talk to her soon and iron things out - get a few pointers as to what could have gone wrong. Don't be too disheartened - some lessons are better than others.:)

[Pandora]

Have I missed something somewhere ? What is a One-Rein-Stop please ?:confused:

[Crazy Mare]

Hey Hanamoon,

I'm sorry I'm not experienced enough to give you any advice but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

I'm glad that things turned out ok (well done for managing to stay on :D ) but I can understand your frustration when your RI left straight after your lesson without talking to you about what happened. When I came off the other week I spent ages grilling my RI about what went wrong.

I would definately suggest that you talk it over with her before your next lesson. She may not have rushed off because she was mad with you, she may have had other reasons to leave. Think in the circumstances she should have at least checked you were ok and arranged to talk about it next time though :rolleyes:

Good luck with your next lesson and congratulations on what you have achieved so far. It sounds like you're doing brilliant :) :)

CM x

[kedwards]

My first reaction, in reading your post, was that your instructor sounds quite inadequate in dealing with nerves in a rider. An instructor doesn't have to feel fear herself in order to recognize it or work with it in a student - age or lack of fear is no excuse. I've never been afraid of a flapping bag, but that doesn't mean that I can't understand and work with a horse that is spooking at one. Yelling at a panicking rider is as inappropriate as yelling at a panicking horse.

To me, her response, even in this one situation, would be enough for me to lose faith and respect in her abilities as an instructor. I am not a particularly nervous rider, but I still want an instructor who can keep cool under stress. Also, I want the sort of instructor who is familar with a variety of exercises and ways to describe things, who will try a different approach with me if it seems that something they say isn't working. Anyone who has even a small amount of exposure can criticize obvious errors or describe an ideal, but a good instructor has skills to help people actually achieve that ideal.

Still, it sounds like you otherwise felt like you've made good progress in your lessons with this instructor. If this hasn't been a "deal breaker" for you, then it would be a good idea to have a heart-to-heart with her, as others have mentioned.

[hannah:)]

Will I ever stop being a nervous nellie? How do I break the cylce of tensing up, curling into a ball, leaning forward, etc.?

You CAN do it, you can you can you can! I know exactly the feeling you mean, in fact I was posting about a similar thing a few days ago - BUT after some encouragment from NR I have realised that I have improved and that now I get much less freaked by this kind of thing than I used to. I think that experience is the key to this - for instance, there was a time when a spook would have thrown me off for sure and they therefore unnerved me. Now I have survived quite a few spooks, they only bother me if I feel that the horse is about to tank off, and even that is less scary than it used to be. I still find that my instincts are to do the wrong thing (ie take hold of the mouth) in some situations, but in others I now instinctively do the right thing. You've now done it, survived and are ready to get back on which is half the battle won anyway.

If a big chicken like me can make progress, I reckon anyone else should be able to, I've been a wimp all my life!:o

[Louisa]

I had a similar experience to you a couple of weeks ago!

I have weekly group riding lessons where I ride a different horse each week. Some of the horses are more dead to the leg than others which obviously means I have to use more leg. Well it seems these horses have strengthened my legs more than I realised.

A couple of weeks ago I was priveledged (SP?) enough to be given one of the livery horses to ride instead of one of the school horses. He was perfect in walk and trot and then it came to cantering. I was a bit wary to begin with as I had never ridden him before and he was a big draft horse (16.2) but he was very responsive and cantered when I asked, however when I tried to ask him to trot and he was having none of it! Apparently, according to my instructor afterwards, after he didn't trot the first time I asked I tensed up thinking "It's a very long way to fall" and squeezed my leg on which he took as a cue to speed up, and that was how it carried on for about 6 laps of the school! I finally came to my senses and turned him on to a circle and he slowed down, to my instructor saying "that'll teach you to relax your legs"!

However, all the time my instructor was calm and trying to tell me what to do and saying stuff like "she's just showing off now, just cos she's got the easy horse to canter" and it helped to calm me down so I think you definately need to consider changing instructors.

I then cantered him again on a twenty metre circle and he was brilliant, the problem was completely me and my legs!

Sorry this is so long, all I really wanted to say was perhaps it was just something as simple as the horse being more responsive than you are used to and there were some misunderstandings between you about your aids?