When is enough enough when it comes to fear?

[amylou_84]

I have a lesson tonight. i had one at the same place 2 weeks ago and plan to have one every 2 weeks. It doesnt seem like much but its all i can afford at the moment.

A lot of me really doesnt want to go! I just get this feeling in my belly of fear and it builds until the end of the lesson, where i get the adreneline rush of finishing the lesson then a couple of days later i get the fear again until the next lesson
When i look back i tell myself i enjoy the lessons. Which in a way i do. I enjoy horses and i enjoy riding when i really think about it. But only when i really really think of the good bits of lessons when things go right and i am relaxed.

But im wondering if its just not worth it. I have no idea of my horsey owning intentions in the future. Im not going to be able to afford my own for a long time and i really dont want to share. Im finding lots of things to fill my time (my crafty stuff) and sometimes i feel like im riding because thats just what iv done since i was small and it would be a waste to stop again.

I think that i feel if i stop now and decide to get back into it in a few years il be right back to square one. That was where i was 6 years ago when i got back into riding after a 8 year gap. And it was difficult. Also the thought of giving it up makes me sad. Its not just the lessons but the whole horsey scene that i like.

Also i think this last year or so my fear of being hurt has gone up ten fold as i am getting pretty serious with OH and babies and marrige have been discussed and i really want to have a family before im 30 (im 24). So i think my instinct is to preserve myself. I think for riding for 2 hrs a month what is the point in the risk?

Iv always been a nervous rider. The RI said last week that riding is a dangerous sport and that you do need to have guts and really want to do! If you dont whats the point!?

Im just not sure what to do about this lesson today.....If given the choice i think i would rather spend the £24 on beads! :shock: If im going to cancel i need to do it asap.

[Cloverwood1]

Sounds like you enjoy being around horses more than riding them. Why don't you just see if you can help out at the RS? Just handling horses, grooming, mucking out, tacking up, helping with leadrein rides etc. It will save you money, you will build confidence around horses and it may inspire you to continue with your lessons.

I had an 8 year gap too, some years ago - didn't actually miss riding or horses -it was just a coincidence that someone I knew wanted a sharer, so I decided to give it a go! Bad news, ended up sharing for a year, then bought another horse!!

Have your lesson - you will probably still have to pay for it at such short notice anyway. Don't worry about some of it not going to plan - I sometimes get on my horse and he knows I can't be bothered, so we only do 10 minutes then give up! We all have days like these! Just use the not so good bits as a learning curve. To be honest, one lesson every two weeks is not enough to build your confidence or improve your skills, but if its all you can afford, you don't have a choice. You may find that if you offer to help out at the RS at weekends, evenings or something, you may get a short ride for helping out.

Hi Amylou sorry to say this but I think if it's causing you that much grief then I don't think you should carry on putting yourself through it. You've said yourself that you would rather spend the money on something else and if you're already dreading the next lesson straight after having one then you are really not enjoying it. Sorry if that sounds harsh it's just the way I read your post

[Lot1983]

Oh chicken, that sounds awful. I think in your shoes if you’re not enjoying it what’s the point in spending the money on it when your going to start resenting it, you can love horses without loving riding, who knows, maybe you’ll have children that want to ride so you could get them a pony. Maybe think that one day you could have a couple of retired horses to look after, for grooming and cuddling and no riding??

I gave up riding for about four years and to be honest, I couldn’t even think about horses during that time, I totally cut off all contact with the horse world, but once I got the taste for riding again and could afford it I was right back there.

Maybe you’re doing the ‘wrong sort’ or riding. You’re having lessons at the moment, so why not try and find a nice gentle ploddy hack to go on, if you could find somewhere that would do an hour’s hack on a nice gentle plod that might help you to enjoy it a bit more? There are no rules that say if you don’t have a horse you have to just stick to lessons. Does this make sense?

I think you’ve had a difficult time of it recently, the change from finishing Uni and the things you went though with A have just sort of left you a bit up in the air at the moment??

[Palomino Mare]

if its any consolation i always get that feeling before i have a lesson.

I am like that before a lesson on my own horse although i'm ok when im riding them without being taught - i think the fear here is being made to do something i havent experience with my horse before and someone pushing me and it ruining my confidence with them.

I am nervous when having a lesson/ hack on a horse i dont know except its so bad i need to use the loo about 10times before i get on and pat teh ground when i get off!!

I've always been like this, the only time i wasnt was when i had my pony but i had no fear back then!!

I could never give it up although i do like to pretend somedays that i have a normal persons life but i soon get bored! I think you have to find your comfort zone. I know i will overcome the butterflies on my own horses when i have experienced everything with them - i dont think i'll ever overcome my fear fo riding strange horses though!!

[Nookster]

Sounds like the main problem is the risk factor - I do agree it carrys a risk but those risks can be measured. Seems that a massive emphasis that has been created with you is that this risk is 'massive'. It really shouldn't be if you are just looking for enjoyment. The risks can be reduced - the enviroment you ride, the horse you ride for example. All reduced so that you can focus on the enjoyment side.

You've not had it easy of late and not sure you had the full support from your yard which in turn makes it a not so enjoyable experience.

You have lots of plans for your life and i do feel you could fit in all that you want to do and your horsey fix as well.

You know if you do want ridden time and you want to groom etc you are more then welcome to come along and see the boys. I can even offer a gentle plod along the road / bridle ways if you like and i'll walk in hand.

Don't give up and try not to analysis it too much. Go to your lesson tonight and try and enjoy. Do you have anyone that can go along to give you moral support?

x

[NoviceNic]

I always say enough is enough when you no longer enjoy it..

[amylou_84]

Iv changed my lesson to Sat during the day I think i prefer riding during the day lol.

Och i dunno! Its quite frustrating. i remember when i was having lots of lessons years ago i would be scared before them too but not so much that i didnt want to go. Also i had my mum to push me on! My OH is trying his best to encourage me. He knows i love riding. But he is a bike freak so doesnt get how you can be scared of something but love doing it at the same time!

All i know is that when i wasnt having some sort of riding planned i would really want to do it. Maybe its just a matter of giving myself a good talking too!

I think also that things outside of riding effect me a lot when it comes to actually getting on a horse. If im feeling unconfident in other things it really effects me when im on a horse.

Lot - i did actually try and find a RS that did hacks as well as lessons. My plan was for 1 group, 1 private and 1 hack a month. Just to give some variation and just enought different horseyness to get me going. But instead i found a great RS that does fab lessons but tahts it. There is a severe lack of good RS's around here. Maybe i could find anotehr RS for just hacks?

With regards A....well i think thats just taught me that loaning/sharing isnt for me! Its either lessons or my own!

That first post sounded pretty awful didnt it. I go from one extreme to the other which is hte problem!

[Zani]

Originally Posted by Nookster

Sounds like the main problem is the risk factor - I do agree it carrys a risk but those risks can be measured. Seems that a massive emphasis that has been created with you is that this risk is 'massive'. It really shouldn't be if you are just looking for enjoyment. The risks can be reduced - the enviroment you ride, the horse you ride for example. All reduced so that you can focus on the enjoyment side.

You've not had it easy of late and not sure you had the full support from your yard which in turn makes it a not so enjoyable experience.

You have lots of plans for your life and i do feel you could fit in all that you want to do and your horsey fix as well.

You know if you do want ridden time and you want to groom etc you are more then welcome to come along and see the boys. I can even offer a gentle plod along the road / bridle ways if you like and i'll walk in hand.

Don't give up and try not to analysis it too much. Go to your lesson tonight and try and enjoy. Do you have anyone that can go along to give you moral support?

x

Wise words Nookster! which have put into writing my exact experience with lack of confidence fear, and hadn't realised what was driving it until I read the above.

I had a massive break from riding (nearly 20 years) went back for lessons, loved them although nervous of riding different horses all the time. About 6 months ago took the leap and got a horse of my own, which I have given myself a huge challenge with as he is still now only 3 1/2 years old. I lost my confidence riding him big time although we have come on leaps and bounds with the groundwork and building a bond. I thought it was becase I wasn't a good enough rider and that if he did anything stupid I wouldn't be able to cope with him, so I duly booked a lesson at local riding school to "up" my level. The lesson was a nightmare, the first horse I was on cantered off with me at the first opportunity and took me 5 mins to stop it, the second was so big (17h2) that I couldn't get my legs around it (I am only 5'2") and the third was thankfully a horse that I had ridden before and got on OK with. However I did finish that hour thinking how lucky I am with my own horse and that I really shouldn't be scared of him!

You are right about the fear of "injury" and "incidents", that is what worried me the most. I have three kids, how would they manage if I broke my leg, how could I get them to school etc etc etc.

But then in the light of my last lesson and standing with arm round my furry beastie in the field while he munched his tea I realised that he is not in fact trying to kill me, he is my friend and is on my side . It's taken me a few months to come around to this way of thinking, but it's my lightbulb moment!

If you really don't enjoy it, then give it up, but if you are enjoying being around the horses and can get past the "danger" of it all then it's worth every second and penny!

Good luck!

[amylou_84]

I do think i over analyse far too much! I look at something from all angles and then analyse some more until i come up with a % risk factor and decide if its worth it! Lol!!

I have my OH to come with me. He just tells me to stop moaning and get on with it! Which is probably what i need.

[Zani]

Originally Posted by amylou_84

I do think i over analyse far too much! I look at something from all angles and then analyse some more until i come up with a % risk factor and decide if its worth it! Lol!!

I have my OH to come with me. He just tells me to stop moaning and get on with it! Which is probably what i need.

Do you have a horsey friend that can help you? I have a couple that I can rely on to boss me around and it's just what I need. Sometimes I would just walk away and not do something, or put it off till tomorrow, but they keep on at me and get me to do it, at which point I am always glad I have done it!

Hope that makes sense!

[NoviceNic]

I had weekly lessons for 2 yrs and owned my daughters pony for a year. I was still nervous every lesson. And it got worse when I conquered my fear on that horse so they moved me up a level. Bang I was back down to being nervous again. But I couldnt get enough of riding fo 30 mins a week so I brought my first horse. Despite buying her from a friend it really didnt go well and I had to sell her on after 9 months of almost killing myself. I vowed never to buy again as when things go wrong its actually cheaper to have 3 lessons a week.

Anyway I brought Captain. Weve had fun. But I wouldnt change anything for the world. I still get nervous and still will continue to in the future. Captain's ex owners told me that fear was a good thing. It keeps you and the horse alive as you never take anything for granted.

[Nookster]

I would just take it a step at a time then hun and make each experience a good one, starting off as simple as can be to adding a bit more on bit by bit, something i have done in the past.

They are not pushing you past your comfort zone in the lesson at all? I know we all need to be but sometimes a good few comfort zone lessons are the best basis and then as said build up from that rather then jumping in feet first.

As said offers there of a gentle hack if you want. Another idea not sure if you would be interested in is a driving lesson? My RI is holding some and myself and nikki were going to book in for one if you want ? Could take the emphasis off riding side but be some great fun?

Edit: Sometimes i think its not always about the getting you to do it.... do you recieve enough praise an motivation once you have done it? Are you good points hightlighted? sometimes when in a crisis and we think low of our abilities it takes someone to show us our good assets xx

[Lot1983]

Don't think about what scares you. Don't analyse what you're worried about.

If you imagine falling off over a jump, that the image in your head of that happening and make it tiny, fade it out, turn the sound down, make it black and white until it's just a tiny dot you can't see anymore. I have a habit of worrying about totally irrellenvant things and I find that this technique does actually work.

Sit down and think about EXACTLY what scares you and SQUASH those thoughts!

[Zani]

Like squashing spiders, scary but ultimately satisfying

[penniewitch]

I didn't start riding till i was 37 years old, it started as something for my friend and me to do on our day off, my friend had some riding lessons when she was younger, I had had a few donkey rides on blackpool beach.

Before i went to the lesson I couldn't eat and had to take two anadin in the car on the way, because i always got a stress headache. My knees would knock as I was mounting and I would break into a nervous sweat. If the RI said canter to the back of the ride, I would say 'am just trotting today' it was very rarely I chose to canter or jump. But, I was strangely hooked, and three years on, the owner of the riding school said I could have a stable to get my own pony.

I have had two ponies now for the last three years, I go for 'lady hacks' and mainly walk. I trot and canter when it feels right, and i want to. I bought a trailer in March so I could go further afield, and I still haven't used it yet, I am too nervous, I break into a sweat just thinking about it. I have convinced myself that if i take my pone somewhere new, he is going to kill me. How illogical is that. I nearly used it inthe summer and our yard got strangles, I was almost glad! Nervousness is a very strange thing. And i am glad to say all the horses recovered, but, I have still not used the bloody trailer.

I look for excuses too, its too wet/windy/hot, but once I am persuaded and get out there on my pone i don't want to come back.

I did have a small relevation the other day though....I realised I had had my new pone for 12 months and he hadn't done anything in that 12 months to give me anything to fear, he had not ran off, bucked, misbehaved, galloped off or so much as trod on my toe, so i need to cut us both some slack lol

Nerves are pants, but you can work with them, I am living proof lol And i will use that trailer....next summer....

[colettybetty]

Your OH's remark '...just get on with it!' made me smile. However, it does depend on how you feel, you say you over analyse too much, so try thinking like a horse instead. When you are riding, stay in the moment, just think about what you are doing at that particular moment. Riding an RS horse in a menage with an intructor present minimises the risk factor. Focus on the horse moving under you and think about syncronising your body with his, you'll need to be relaxed,think about how good it feels at 'this moment' to be moving in unison. Sometimes lessons are stressful when trying to master the skills you think should have. Forget it. Aim to achieve fun and enjoyment even if you and the horse don't look so great. My RI always says everything goes to pot when I think too much instead of just feeling.
In between lessons when you feel the 'dread' bubbling up, stop, take a deep breath and remember instead what you enjoy about horses,visualise the positives.
Alternatively, you may not want to ride at this time in your life, a break for a few years isn't going to be the end of the world if your goals are to ride for a hobby. If thats the case and you have some spare time, do as already suggested, just volunteer at the RS (or a sanctuary ) to spend time with the pressure off, enjoying caring for horses. Not everyone who loves horses actually wants to ride them.

[icegirl]

Some people seem to exorcise the demons by gradual steps and keeping going - for me it took a few months, I used to feel sick going to see my loan horse, but I knew I wanted to keep doing it so I just did gentle hacks and spent time making a fuss of her, until I started feeling less sick.
But its not some kind of a test............. Lots of horsey people might feel you should keep going no matter what, because you will face down your nerves in the end. Id see it more as an experiment - "Am I going to enjoy this or would I prefer spending my time and money doing something else?"
And what about helping at a Rescue or something of that sort - being around horses but with no pressure to ride?

[MrKia+Me]

I think if your are dreading going and dont feel better until the end then its a clear sign that somethings wrong hunni.

Over analysing is natural to an extent. I do it all the time as well although I have never really gotten to the point that I wouldnt so something.

Is it the lesson that scares you or the riding???

Nikki xxx

[Little Mermaid]

Penniewitch your post made me laugh!! Yes nerves ARE pants, and I too enjoy lady hacks

AmyLou, why not have a short break from riding, say 3 months, save up your money and see how you feel? If you were still keen and missing it you could go away for a weekend and have a trail ride out and about on a trusted trail pony, walk trot or canter only if you want to. It's an amazing experience and great confidence giver - you look around at the scenery instead of concentrating on performing your circuit and catching up with the trotting bum in front of you!

I'm a right one to give advice (very nervous rider who owns a very nervous horse) but I've stopped riding for now and am building up a relationship on the ground before I get back on him.

I've bought some Bach Rescue Remedy to calm and sooth my nerves, so will give it a try.

I'm 39 with two young kids so am aware of falling and getting hurt, and yes like others, I'm told "just get on with it, jump on his back and ride him" by my darling husband - he just doesn't understand that it is impossible for me to do that.

I just don't bounce like I used to