Friendship situation - not sure what to do

I can totally understand being hurt at not being told about it, but perhaps if the only time you have seen/spoken to her was at your 40th she was trying not to overshadow your day? Grasping perhaps but that's me, I give people way too many chances.

I got married and it was awful and didn't last 6 months before he was gone, if I were ever to do it again (not that I have any plans to) I would want an amazing day of course but I would be very apprehensive about inviting a lot of people and would probably only have those 'in the know' ie (geographically) close friends I see every day and I can't avoid telling and even then I probably wouldn't have all my everyday friends there, because I am honestly totally ashamed about how badly things went last time and how I totally misjudged a man who turned out to be a sociopath. I can just imagine telling my best friend from school I'm getting married again, that look she would have of concern, knowing and judgment of the new Mr and me, so I probably wouldn't want her there for fear those types of looks, not because I don't love her dearly and don't value our friendship). Hell I probably wouldn't even want to tell my own mother for similar reasons. The first time round has left me pretty scarred.

I do understand being hurt at not being told, but at the end of the day a wedding is only about the 2 getting married, not inviting people is their choice and I'm sure you agree given you eloped yourself, but as you said you told your closest friends none the less. Weddings and funerals do strange things to people, I normally just let things at those super stressful times roll over me as people will act down right weird sometimes.
 
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I can totally understand being hurt at not being told about it, but perhaps if the only time you have seen/spoken to her was at your 40th she was trying not to overshadow your day? Grasping perhaps but that's me, I give people way too many chances.

I got married and it was awful and didn't last 6 months before he was gone, if I were ever to do it again (not that I have any plans to) I would want an amazing day of course but I would be very apprehensive about inviting a lot of people and would probably only have those 'in the know' ie (geographically) close friends I see every day and I can't avoid telling and even then I probably wouldn't have all my everyday friends there, because I am honestly totally ashamed about how badly things went last time and how I totally misjudged a man who turned out to be a sociopath. I can just imagine telling my best friend from school I'm getting married again, that look she would have of concern, knowing and judgment of the new Mr and me, so I probably wouldn't want her there for fear those types of looks, not because I don't love her dearly and don't value our friendship). Hell I probably wouldn't even want to tell my own mother for similar reasons. The first time round has left me pretty scarred.

I do understand being hurt at not being told, but at the end of the day a wedding is only about the 2 getting married, not inviting people is their choice and I'm sure you agree given you eloped yourself, but as you said you told your closest friends none the less. Weddings and funerals do strange things to people, I normally just let things at those super stressful times roll over me as people will act down right weird sometimes.

Thanks Jessey. I do understand the need for a quiet, low-key wedding as I had one myself. I did want all my friends involved though, I just didn't want the white wedding thing - partly because me and my husband both have complicated family issues, partly because I've never had a single urge to wear a white dress, except once, for Hallowe'en when I was a zombie bride covered in blood! - so we eloped and had a big party for everyone when we got back. It's not really the same thing - I'd totally have understood if she'd eloped - but you're right about the ex. Her situation sounds not a million miles from yours. Her ex was a psycho. And yes weddings definitely do make people crazy.

I'm still vacillating between thinking 'f*** you, why should I be friends with someone who makes me feel like sh*t and doesn't value my friendship anyway' and meeting her to at least see what she has to say. Honestly I am driving myself nuts going over and over it in my head.
 
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If you are going nuts over it, may be this is more about you than her? Why does her friendship matter to you so much? Why does one other person make you so angry?
My husband's first boss gave his daughters good advice that when you couldnt make a decision, that was because there was no right answer. Both your options include some loss - In your case of a friend or of your pride.
My solution in any no-win dilemma is to avoid the decision that is irrevocable. Meaning in this case, if you can meet your friend (she offered) and dont make a big deal of it or ask her for explanations - meeting her still leaves you with the option of whether or not you go on being friends in the future.
If you cancel the meeting, you save your pride but the friendship is over. So that is the irrevocable option. When we are friends with people we need to accept that they have other friends - but they still have time for us among them. If you are a popular person with lots of much better friends - just end the friendship, save your pride. Punish her - but she may not feel punished. She may think you are in the wrong. She has after all offered to meet you. She is not keeping her distance. And if you meet her and are horrid to her, then the game is in her hands. She may decide she doesnt want to be friends with you.
My father drew up the guest list for our wedding and I had no choice in it. When our own daughters married it was a question of expense. Controlling numbers. These things happen.

But the choice you set out above to cut the meeting or challenge her at it - both have the same outcome. The real choice is between cutting her off, or meeting and building on all the things you value in her.
 
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Thank you Skib, that is very good advice.
I am a popular person with lots of friends. I am very happily married with a family that means the world to me. In that sense, I don't 'need' her. So I have been asking myself why I am so upset too. I'm not really sure what the answer is to that. It's true that our friendship is built more on shared formative experiences than any real compatibility. We're not alike at all, except superficially in that we're both journalists (got our first job together at the same time on a national magazine, that is how we met) and have kids the same age. I used to be a total wild child and she was always very career-focused and slightly disapproving of my lifestyle. She has always been a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet, keeping up appearances type. I have never given a stuff about such things. Everyone was surprised when I settled down with a very respectable man and threw myself into country life - and horses! - none more than her. Life has been more of a struggle for her than for me. But that is just at this point in time - none of us knows what the future holds. Anyway, I think my upset may be because I think that at some level, she doesn't think I deserve the life I have. That may or may not be true, but her rejection of me is like ignoring the last 10 years and going back to that time in our lives when she used to get annoyed with me for drinking too much and dating too many men and not taking my job - or anything in life - seriously.

I think - thought - she's a good person at heart. Even if we don't share all the same values. But like I said, I've never been good at letting go of anything. I am a hoarder! I hate slamming doors, because you just never know. (What you never know, I don't know!) It's just weird because I wouldn't even have thought about or questioned why we were friends, until this happened. It feels a bit like it must feel if you're happily married, or so you think, and then suddenly out of the blue your husband turns round and says,'I don't love you any more, this isn't working, I'm leaving.'

Really sorry for dumping this angst-fest on all of you! Maybe I should stop introspecting now! Thank you for reading and helping - all of you. You are great!
 
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I wouldn't go - just because I think it might be 'too soon' for you to get your head and emotions around everything, but leave the door open for the future.

I'd say something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry, but something has come up with work/horses/aliens from out of space and I need to cancel Friday. Sorry, but hope to see you again soon'.

x
 
I wouldn't go - just because I think it might be 'too soon' for you to get your head and emotions around everything, but leave the door open for the future.

I'd say something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry, but something has come up with work/horses/aliens from out of space and I need to cancel Friday. Sorry, but hope to see you again soon'.

x
This is basically what I am going to do. Just not ready to talk now, but don't want to completely slam that door. As it happens, it looks like I am working on Friday anyway so it won't be a lie.
 
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Life changes us all. I have had 'friends' at various stages in life who I thought were lifetime friends but turned out to be acquaintances of convenience, mainly theirs!
Oh how true this is. I've had many of these and just when I think the person isn't one of these, they go and prove me wrong and make me remember just why I trust no one after all. It's usually after I've learnt to trust them. I don't want friends who don't value me in a part of a friendship that I value them in. I think if they can treat you like crap and expect to get away with it, they're obviously not a proper friend after all. That includes guilt tripping and making you feel like it's your fault, and that they had no part in the problem.

Friends are of the past. Acquaintances are the new in thing - never let them close enough to break you.
 
When all is said and done, do you actually still want to be friends with her? Do you think you can get over this ("forgive her" in your mind) and move on, or will your future relationship be marred by this? Why did you agree to meet her? Are you expecting a big, fluffy apology or some kind of explanation - because nothing will change the fact that not only did she not invite you, it also sounds like she deliberately avoided telling you it was happening. In my mind, that's not being a real friend. I actually think you are still too hurt to face her at the moment, but it is clearly upsetting you and playing on your mind, so maybe if you found the time to go you would get peace of mind. I agree with Skib, neither choice is the "right answer". xx
 
When all is said and done, do you actually still want to be friends with her? Do you think you can get over this ("forgive her" in your mind) and move on, or will your future relationship be marred by this? Why did you agree to meet her? Are you expecting a big, fluffy apology or some kind of explanation - because nothing will change the fact that not only did she not invite you, it also sounds like she deliberately avoided telling you it was happening. In my mind, that's not being a real friend. I actually think you are still too hurt to face her at the moment, but it is clearly upsetting you and playing on your mind, so maybe if you found the time to go you would get peace of mind. I agree with Skib, neither choice is the "right answer". xx

I am not expecting an apology - she never apologises, just gets defensive. I don't really want an apology anyway - 'sorry I hurt your feelings, but it was my day not yours and I'm not that bothered anyway as we're not as good friends as you thought we were' isn't massively what I want to hear!
I think I remind her too much of stuff she'd rather forget, and that's the problem. Not that I am forever going 'hey remember this sh*t thing' as I never do, but I don't think she's moved on from her ex and what happened there as much as she claims.
I've just cancelled meeting up - I just sent an email to say I have a new project on, which is true as it happens, I am going to be really busy for a few weeks. As far as wanting to be friends with her - despite everything, I am (inexplicably) fond of her. I don't know what will happen. I don't want to see her right now, but maybe I'll change my mind in the future.
 
Oh how true this is. I've had many of these and just when I think the person isn't one of these, they go and prove me wrong and make me remember just why I trust no one after all. It's usually after I've learnt to trust them. I don't want friends who don't value me in a part of a friendship that I value them in. I think if they can treat you like crap and expect to get away with it, they're obviously not a proper friend after all. That includes guilt tripping and making you feel like it's your fault, and that they had no part in the problem.

Friends are of the past. Acquaintances are the new in thing - never let them close enough to break you.

Ooooh no! Friendship is worth it, even if they hurt you sometimes, and even if they're really hard work at other times. Just because one person behaves like a tw@t doesn't mean they all will. I do also think some friendships have a sell-by date, just like some relationships do - great for a while, but not really destined to last. My mistake in this thread I think is that I mistook one of the transient friendships for one of the lasting sort.
 
I would be upset too. It does seem she dissed you on purpose. I would not go
I had a bit the turned around situation.
My best friend got married in Provincetown = way out on the tip of Cape Cod --not a drive I can make
Some of her family were upset with me that I WAS NOT COMING I said if someone is going down
and coming back the same day and I can catch a ride I will pay the gas.
Well no one was going to come back that day.
Jeanne and I came to middle ground -- she was actually the only one that did understand.
A couple weeks before the wedding I took a ride there with her while she was trying to arrange for place to get her hair done and she showed me around the beach she was getting married at and
the restaurant her brother worked at.
He took me aside and said your her best friend you really should be there -I tried to explain AGAIN
if someone is coming back I will pay gas etc but its NOT a drive I can make
I did not end up going
Her brother took a lot of photos and gave them to me so I could feel like I was there!.
 
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Oh how true this is. I've had many of these and just when I think the person isn't one of these, they go and prove me wrong and make me remember just why I trust no one after all. It's usually after I've learnt to trust them. I don't want friends who don't value me in a part of a friendship that I value them in. I think if they can treat you like crap and expect to get away with it, they're obviously not a proper friend after all. That includes guilt tripping and making you feel like it's your fault, and that they had no part in the problem.

Friends are of the past. Acquaintances are the new in thing - never let them close enough to break you.

What a sad attitude to have to life - I wouldn't close all doors permanently forever to everyone otherwise it could get lonely!

I accept it isn't nice being hurt but trust your judgement and surround yourself by people who are genuine and remove those that aren't. That's what I've realised anyway

Recently I've had someone de friend me on Facebook but that's their loss not mine- it makes you question yourself but you have to move on. Ended up doing a 24 hour relay race for that person too (incredibly silly) to make them happy only for them to find something better to do at last minute and not even come with no text nothing

I'm often agreeing to do stuff to please others but learning it's not about that and you can't always do it especially if not logistically feasible. I treat others how I'd like to be treated myself and that's the main thing and everything else is outside my control so I can't worry about it
 
See I'm not very good in situations like these, if it involves a lot of headspace and grief - I don't want to know. Your friend sounds like she is one of these types.
 
Well, I cancelled Friday with the work excuse and have avoided making any kind of commitment to meeting up again. I generally agree that life's too short to have people in it who don't care for you or respect you, especially if you try to be a decent human being. (I have checked with my husband that I am not, in fact, a total tw@t. He assures me that I am not!) But maybe something will happen to change my mind, you never know.
 
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My sentiments these days are if folk were such a good friend they wouldnt be acting like an enemy in the first place? Life is so much easier to leave grotty folk behind!
Totally agree. You don't need please who drag you down. Rise above it. You can do better.
 
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