Friendship situation - not sure what to do

squidsin

squidsin

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Feb 16, 2013
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It's one of those times where I really do need an impartial point of view, as I don't know what to do, so I am asking you for your opinions.

In a nutshell, one of my best friends got married a couple of weeks ago and I only found out when someone posted photos on Facebook. She didn't elope, she had a big white wedding at a local celebrity wedding venue (George Clooney had part of his wedding there). I was absolutely gutted not to be told about it, let alone invited - if only for drinks afterwards - bearing in mind that we've been friends for 15 years, had our ups and downs, been on holiday together, moved abroad together, she was one of the few people I told when I eloped with my now-husband, she gave me my 'something borrowed,' we were the first people to tell each other when we got pregnant. She came to my 40th earlier this year, and I had no hint then that our friendship had changed in any way. I asked her why she didn't tell me, and she said that it wasn't about me, it was about her, and she was traumatised by her first wedding (he was a massive twat, to be fair - we had a huge falling out because he tried to get off with my sister, so I wasn't invited to the first wedding either!) and just had to get through the day, so 'only close friends and family' were invited. This is the first I knew that I am not a close friend! And also, if you really wanted a low-key wedding, wouldn't you just have one of those? I don't know whether to feel hurt, or stupid because I've obviously completely misjudged our friendship.

Anyway, she suggested we meet up on Friday and I said yes, but regret that now. I just don't really want to see her at the moment. Given my current take on this, I think we'll argue and it'll be awful - and I don't see the point of some pretend friendship where we're just going through the motions and it doesn't really mean anything. Friendships can't go backwards can they? Can you go from being really close friends to 'mwah mwah daaahling' friends. I don't really want a friendship like that anyway.

OK so that wasn't really 'in a nutshell.' Am I being melodramatic? Do I need to just get over myself? I still feel really hurt and upset every time I think about this, and it was a month ago now.
 
Maybe some issues with other friends or family? Is there anyone you can think of that wouldn't of wanted you there? Can't think why she wouldn't invite you as you are obviously close, unless it was a small wedding, who else got invites?
 
Ale said:
Maybe some issues with other friends or family? Is there anyone you can think of that wouldn't of wanted you there? Can't think why she wouldn't invite you as you are obviously close, unless it was a small wedding, who else got invites?
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I really can't stand her other best friend, who was invited. I think she's pretentious, shallow and humourless - she's an uber fashionista London media type, editor of a fashion magazine. She doesn't like me either. So it could be that.
 
People do change though and perhaps whilst you were close at one point I think the fact that you weren't invited yet the other friend was along with her comments of 'Close friends and family only' I think tells you all you need to know. It hurts and it sucks but I would be to pissed off at the 'I thought I was a better friend than that' that I would be very very cross privately but think that the writing is on the wall now and the friendship has obviously changed and would look to put efforts into something else. Something like that is not a forgive and forget situation when the friendship is as long as what you have had with her.

I do think you can go through very intense parts of friendships then they can fade to 'must meet up again soon at some point' and be a bit mwah mwah darling (love that haha!) to some friends perhaps for a certain time or they can go through that phase, but ultimately it's about both sides of the party feeling wanting to have the close part of the friendship and if one pulls away then it's bound to hurt the other friend. I have some friends on NR that I see probably only every few months (or more !) but the friendships are nice and easy ones with no drama and it's the type of friendship that can be picked up and put down again when needed/required.

What do you want to happen from now with regards to your friend ?
 
I honestly don't know. I don't think there's any point having people in your life who hurt you, but on the other hand, she's been a good friend in the past, although she's been a sh*t friend at times too. I find it hard to imagine her not being in my life. However, I don't want a one-sided friendship - and anyway I don't think I can 'unfeel' the hurt from this massive snub and continue to be a good mate and confidante as if nothing had happened.

I totally agree that there are all sorts of different types of friendships, and obviously I don't expect to be invited to the weddings of everyone I know! But I wouldn't have thought for a single second that my friend would have got married without even telling me. We've always had a fairly intense friendship - which I've struggled with at times actually as I hate big emotional confrontations, but we seem to have had a lot of those - but I thought we were at the stage now where we're both busy with young children, and have one of those nice, it's wonderful when we see each other, think of you when we don't but don't need to ring each other every day type friendships. We obviously don't though!
 
I would be hurt and peeved and tbh not bother with her again. I think she has made it pretty clear she doesn't see your friendship in the same way. I once received a horrible snub from someone whom I thought was a real friend and after that I pretty much didn't bother with them again. I might sound like a bit of a wet lettuce but I do get my feelings hurt easily and something like that would really bug me and therefore I'd definitely not bother with them again. Specially if you've voiced your opinion and she didn't really try and offer up profuse apologies or excuses that you could live with.
That's just my opinion though - as I said I can be a bit easily offended by "friends" and family.
 
How very hurtful - and I can't imagine you have done anything much to deserve such a huge and hurtful snub. Sadly on occasion this sort of thing does happen in life when friendships have run their course. However, I think her way of telling you that things are now on a different footing for whatever reason, is rude, extremely unkind and unnecessary.

I think even the least diplomatic among us (not saying myself of course! :p) would have found a far kinder and gentler way to let the friendship drift off to a slightly more detached level, without the need to resort to such a very odd and bizarre way to virtually 'dump' one of your best friends.

Why would you want her to be your friend anymore anyway - she sounds like a first class bitch to me. :(
 
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It sounds like time to move forwards. If someone doesn't even tell me they are getting married, I am not in the loop. Weddings take a year or more to plan so ample time for it to come up in conversation.
I dont get involved with not liking my friends friends. My friends have friends and that's fine as I would hope mine are to them.

If you were not on Facebook you still wouldn't know?
 
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Is it possible you might be one of the few that could see through the situation and she's unsure if she's doing the right thing. Or does she associate you with prior bad times - not necessarily caused by you, just that you might know stuff about her that she'd rather forget?

If I were you I'd be hurt too based on the things you've done together in the past. I'd be tempted to go back to her and be honest and say you're not ready to meet up. These things happening do make you reappraise your friendship situation don't they and maybe you need time to process so as not to say something you later regret.
I didn't realise I wasn't as good a friend with someone until their wedding and my lack of involvement made me acknowledge our friendship wasn't as o thought. It's made me put in more effort as I want to be friends, but part of the issue is that we are on very different life paths.
 
Cortrasna said:
How very hurtful - and I can't imagine you have done anything much to deserve such a huge and hurtful snub. Sadly on occasion this sort of thing does happen in life when friendships have run their course. However, I think her way of telling you that things are now on a different footing for whatever reason, is rude, extremely unkind and unnecessary.

I think even the least diplomatic among us (not saying myself of course! :p) would have found a far kinder and gentler way to let the friendship drift off to a slightly more detached level, without the need to resort to such a very odd and bizarre way to virtually 'dump' one of your best friends.

Why would you want her to be your friend anymore anyway - she sounds like a first class bitch to me. :(
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Do you know, when we moved abroad for a bit, she actually was a first class bitch - not just to me, but to a lot of other people - and I defended her then, and I thought it was just a blip because she was having a hard time with her now ex. But maybe I was just wrong about that. She's always had a gift for making me feel guilty, and like I need to be a better friend to her. I value loyalty very highly, and am very loyal to my friends and family - even when they annoy the hell out of me. I've always found it really really hard to walk away from - well, anything! It once took me a YEAR to dump a boyfriend who was making me miserable! I hate hurting anyone. That makes me sound like a pushover and I am not, I just struggle with people who aren't what they seem to be. I'm pretty straight and deception has always left me baffled.
 
newforest said:
It sounds like time to move forwards. If someone doesn't even tell me they are getting married, I am not in the loop. Weddings take a year or more to plan so ample time for it to come up in conversation.
I dont get involved with not liking my friends friends. My friends have friends and that's fine as I would hope mine are to them.

If you were not on Facebook you still wouldn't know?
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Nope! She was at my 40th and must have been planning it then but didn't say anything. It's just weird. Comes to my milestone stuff - doesn't invite me to hers.
 
Flipo's Mum said:
Is it possible you might be one of the few that could see through the situation and she's unsure if she's doing the right thing. Or does she associate you with prior bad times - not necessarily caused by you, just that you might know stuff about her that she'd rather forget?

If I were you I'd be hurt too based on the things you've done together in the past. I'd be tempted to go back to her and be honest and say you're not ready to meet up. These things happening do make you reappraise your friendship situation don't they and maybe you need time to process so as not to say something you later regret.
I didn't realise I wasn't as good a friend with someone until their wedding and my lack of involvement made me acknowledge our friendship wasn't as o thought. It's made me put in more effort as I want to be friends, but part of the issue is that we are on very different life paths.
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I can see the way this could go - it'll be put on me to be a 'better friend' because if I'd been a 'better friend' she'd have included me in this. So it'll be my fault. TBH we haven't seen much of each other this year, but that's because of work and children and not living near each other. I didn't think it was a friendship that needed maintenance.

I don't want to meet on Friday, so was toying with just making an excuse like saying I am working - then sort of not getting in contact again. I don't actually want to make her feel guilty for not inviting me - she's got a perfect right to have the wedding she wants and invite who she wants, but she hasn't got any right to tell me how to feel about that, and therein lies the rub, as I feel gutted about it! I just don't really want to have to discuss that with her. I don't feel like soul-baring to her right now!
 
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It sounds completely bizarre but sometimes people are. I don't see the point in meeting up. I'd just cancel without really making up a reason. Just say you've decided you don't really want to meet her and leave it at that. I was dumped for no reason once. Well worse actually - I was disinvited! As in I was invited verbally and then she must have changed her mind but never told me. Again FB is the only reason I knew the event had happened without me. I just cut ties. No big flounce off or fight just a recognition that a) she doesn't sm much value the friendship anymore and b) I don't really want to be friends with someone who behaves like that anyway!
 
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True friendship doesn't need maintenance. You can carry on from where you left off. Emails don't take that long to write. A text to say hi takes seconds.

15 years isn't something I could easily throw away, but, if someone twists things to make me feel bad, makes me feel guilty they are manipulators. The door is over there. Close it behind you.

I have ended a friendship after 5 years and it took a lot if thought, a lot of time-a year after first thinking about it, but boy can I now breathe! I feel so much more like I can be me and not worry what I have done wrong yet again.
 
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I believe in being honest with people. She has obviously hurt you and not meeting up with her won't change that. I would meet her, explain to her how she has made you feel and then see what response she gives you. Peoples lives can get so complicated and peoples perceptions of the same situation can be so different. She is important to you, otherwise you wouldn't feel so hurt. You need to have it out with her, tell her how you feel and give her a chance to explain. If you are not happy with what she has to say, then just walk away and leave her out of your life.
 
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Mary Poppins said:
I believe in being honest with people. She has obviously hurt you and not meeting up with her won't change that. I would meet her, explain to her how she has made you feel and then see what response she gives you. Peoples lives can get so complicated and peoples perceptions of the same situation can be so different. She is important to you, otherwise you wouldn't feel so hurt. You need to have it out with her, tell her how you feel and give her a chance to explain. If you are not happy with what she has to say, then just walk away and leave her out of your life.
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I've already told her though. She knows I am really upset about it. She said it was a do for close friends and family, they couldn't afford many guests as they have money worries, and she was traumatised by the whole second marriage thing so didn't want to tell anyone. Which would be believable if the pix weren't on Facebook and it's a big white wedding at a HUGELY expensive luxury hotel and spa down the road from me. Although I know they actually do have money worries, so it does seem a bit mad having a big expensive wedding.

I don't want to meet on Friday. Maybe I will some time, but I'd just rather not just now. I've been through all this emotional sh*t with her in the past before where we've made up and sworn to be BFFs and look where that's got me!
 
I can understand your hurt, I also value friendships greatly, Over time Ive made new friends and lost friends along the way to. If someone is making me misrable I will tell them just that and quite often Ive realized they are not that nice anyway! Lifes to short to have grotbags upsetting you, I would personally move on and leave her behind, it is sad at first to loose a friend you cared for but if its one way whats the point?
 
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Walk away, it's amazing what people will use to justify treating you in a lesser way than you treat them.

Don't go meet her, she was obviously planning this for a while and not a peep. You don't need people like that in your life, I've found many times that people who I deemed close friends really weren't and as soon as you became inconvenient you were and after thought and an annoyance, they can never do or say anything in person though.

Don't go to the meet up, just make an excuse, draw a line under it and move on, not worth your valuable time.
 
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