Is blood really thicker than water - WWYD?

squidsin

squidsin

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Feb 16, 2013
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I don't really know what to do with regard to my sister. She is 38, divorced with 2 kids. It is my 40th on Saturday and we're having a big party for friends and family. Today I received a text - not even a call - saying 'hi babe need alternative dates for birthday as got house stuff this weekend.' In other words, she's not coming. She then texted to say the boys are acting up and she doesn't want to take them on a long car journey (she lives in Devon, we're Bucks.) She was happy enough to dump them on me last week - even though one of them was sick, which she didn't warn me about - so she could spend time with her boyfriend! The party has been booked since Jan. She has form as she didn't come to my wedding, 30th birthday party or either of the births of my kids. Lame excuse every time. I got her her first job, let her live in my house for free, organised 2 hen dos for her, was maid of honour at her wedding (in Italy), arranged a big 30th bash, and have been there endlessly for her and the boys, dropping everything to go to Devon after tearful phone calls. She has always got some crisis going on that is is far more important than anything happening in my life, so she never asks after me, my husband or the kids, or comes to visit - she just sends the boys when she needs a break. Last time she asked me to drive to Devon to collect them! She doesn't work - I do, and have kids, horse etc. She constantly complains that her family doesn't support her enough. Last year I booked a break for both our families in Somerset - she didn't turn up, or apologise. I paid of course. Yet she makes out like we're close. We're not. I've told her today this was the final straw for me and our relationship is over as far as I am concerned. It's tricky though as I don't want to make things awkward for our kids, who are close, or my brother and mum and dad. But I really do feel like I am through with her. The relationship has caused me misery and stress for years. It's been entirely one sided - I give, she takes. I don't want to carry on like this. What would you do if you were me? Sorry about this rant but I am sad and angry! I would welcome any ideas as I just don't know what to do for the best.
 
juliecwuk said:
personally I would be having it out with her and sod the backlash on the family! its not fair to be taken advantage of all the time! she needs a wake up call!
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I've tried that. I've told her she's inconsiderate and selfish, and has let me down countless times. She doesn't deny it, she says that's how she is and she's not going to change. She has never once apologised for anything. Everything is always someone else's fault. She tried to imply it was my fault for not having my birthday party on a weekend that suited her, in Devon, which I haven't lived in for 22 years. I put the phone down.
 
Horrible situation and I can only imagine how hurt you must be feeling, I would be for sure.:(

I am very fortunate that I have three older brothers and we have always got on and I dont think since we have been adults any one of us has upset or hurt the others in any way. We also go to huge efforts to all meet up at least once a year, last couple of years they have come over to me as a few personal problems have meant I haven't been able to travel over to meet with them. I would be so hurt if they behaved like your sister has done with you.

I would definitely be trying to have a very in depth chat with her about her attitude and telling her just how hurtful and selfish she is being. If this didn't get any improvement I think I would then just keep her on the long finger. If you are so readily available for her it might make her stop and think about how much she actually needs you in her life and how selfish and thoughtless she has been.
 
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I would write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Easier than ending up cross over the phone and also she will read it and it will sink in (hopefully). It is mean of her to be like that about your party. Lots of other things sound "off" too so I think you would be justified in telling her what you think and then she can have a long hard think about it. Maybe she will realise then how bad her behaviour has been - maybe not but least you will have had your say and also calmly - I hate having to speak it out loud because I do end up getting frustrated and cross. Just a thought anyway.
 
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I don't think I could disown her. But I won't be issuing any more invites either.

I hate indepth conversations about feelings! Me and my sister are the offspring of a messy divorce and all my dad wanted to do was cry and talk about his feelings for years. As a result, I feel incredibly awkward about doing it. I am not one to shout and scream either. If she was anyone else, I'd just walk away and cut her off.

She has always been self-obsessed but since she left her husband two years ago, she's been an absolute nightmare. She has always made stuff up so it's hard to know what is real and what isn't but she's lurched from crisis to crisis, and we all get dragged into it. Mum gets the worst of it, then me. Bloody families, eh! Anyway it's helped to have a little rant about it.
 
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You cant change people in the family who hurt you or who exploit you. Just remind yourself not to be hurt and avoid initiating contact.
Have a lovely party and forget her.
Sooner or later she may get in touch and ask your help with something . In my view that is the moment to decide whether or not to respond and what conditions to lay down. Like if she wants you to look after your kids and it is short notice, you could agree to take them at some point arranged in advance and when it would be convenient for you. If she phones when you havent time to talk, dont get diverted. May be ask her to ring at a time when you are free.
I find the most annoying thing is when a fairly unbalanced family member texts me out of the blue, often after some years silence. But over all, it is no good your provoking a dramatic bust up at this moment. Your kids when they grow up may still keep in touch with hers (you cant impose hostilities on the next generation.) So silence and dealing with each contact or episode as it comes up is the best way.
 
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If she doesn't come so be it. Its been booked she was invited. Others are coming and you can't make her come. I would ignore and just say that's a shame you can't make it.

Sadly some people like to manipulate others and some won't change because they don't need to. She sounds like one who isn't going to change if people come running and change to fit in with her.
I am at that age now where if people stay in touch, I do likewise. If not I move on, I am not about to make people come to parties, stay in touch etc.
 
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I have similar issues! My response is to not let the no shows bother me and equally to feel no need whatsoever to put myself out either. The cousins still meet up and play at family gatherings (when they don't bail out!)
 
I guess it depends on how much you want to keep trying with her, I'm very much a 'people pleaser' and will always give people the benefit etc but there comes a point where the more you run after folk the more they take the pee, be that family or friends and then I start to think like NF and unless they contact me then stuff them. Life is too short to spend trying to help people who continue to take while you continue to give freely.
If it were me I'd just enjoy your birthday and don't offer to do anything else for her. Sad if your children may lose contact with their cousins etc but sounds like she is very much one of life's 'takers'.
Oh and Enjoy your birthday :)
 
Thank you! I'm not a people pleaser as such, but I don't hold a grudge and I am a nurturer by nature, so occasionally people do come along who take the pee but generally it's just my immediate family. They can't do anything without making a massive song and dance out of it, usually with tears and tantrums and arrangements being changed right up the 11th hour. This is why I elected to elope, and my brother who like me prefers a low-key existence has just told me he's about to do the same with his girlfriend!
 
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