Should I just take the hint? Thoughts?

Trewsers

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Okay long story short. I have a friend who I think is sort of trying to let me go friendship wise. It's complex because although we've been friends for almost twenty five years we had a shared in law bond. Anyway without going into too much detail, if you asked someone for lunch / coffee / dinner on three separate occasions and they brushed you off making excuses would you just leave it and not bother mentioning again? Am I being over sensitive??? Have tried to make gentle enquiries without sounding nosey as to why they weren't up for it and been met with excuses. Yet they do things like sending birthday presents and cards etc? So not like they are severing ties? Should I just get on with it and continue to send cards etc but not offer meet ups again? Feel a bit confused. Lol it's probably straight forward to most people!:cool::oops::p
 

sophie33

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I think it is impossible to tell, but if someone is sending birthday cards and presents they definitely don't want to 'let you go'. Maybe they have just been busy/stressed so not been up for meeting up the last few times you've asked. On the other hand I can see that you don't want to get rebuffed again. Maybe next time you send a card/email/text just say something like 'be great to catch up soon, let me know when suits you' - then the ball is in their court.
 

Kite_Rider

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May 18, 2009
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Hmmm, dificult really, is your friend ok? I know you've asked why they weren't up for it, have you asked them if everything in their world us ok? Sometimes I think people don't want to burden others with their own problems and that can come across as them being a bit insular and not wanting to meet up.
I don't know what the answer is really I do know that you seem to me to be a really lovely person and I would imagine any friend of yours must either have a really busy life right now or some thing troubling them.
 

Trewsers

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Thanks for all the replies. We live a long way apart and I only visit England now twice a year, so it's not like we can just casually meet up any time - but every visit so far I've mentioned meeting up and offered loads of times / dates and venues and been rebuffed.
 

Trewsers

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Hmmm, dificult really, is your friend ok? I know you've asked why they weren't up for it, have you asked them if everything in their world us ok? Sometimes I think people don't want to burden others with their own problems and that can come across as them being a bit insular and not wanting to meet up.
I don't know what the answer is really I do know that you seem to me to be a really lovely person and I would imagine any friend of yours must either have a really busy life right now or some thing troubling them.

Yeah she's fine - I think. I just feel a bit puzzled really. I can only think she sort of wants to keep her distance? Yet we chat most days on the email and still write each other old fashioned paper letters now and again.
 

Trewsers

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I think it is impossible to tell, but if someone is sending birthday cards and presents they definitely don't want to 'let you go'. Maybe they have just been busy/stressed so not been up for meeting up the last few times you've asked. On the other hand I can see that you don't want to get rebuffed again. Maybe next time you send a card/email/text just say something like 'be great to catch up soon, let me know when suits you' - then the ball is in their court.

That's a good idea about leaving the ball in their court. I've a trip south planned in a few months and after being knocked back again I'm not going to mention anything, just maybe something along the lines of "you know I'm going to be in town on x date" and see if she takes me up on it.
 

newforest

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I call it life happens. Let them contact you. It really depends on what's going on in people's lives as to whether they feel social. And how close you are maybe.

They might not actually be knocking you back they might have personal things going on? My guess is you call/ text/ small already?
Ps I am pretty crap with dates.
Don't take it personally, my own mother is vague if I mention visiting! She is just soooo busy and good on her. :D
 

Trewsers

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I call it life happens. Let them contact you. It really depends on what's going on in people's lives as to whether they feel social. And how close you are maybe.

They might not actually be knocking you back they might have personal things going on? My guess is you call/ text/ small already?
Ps I am pretty crap with dates.
Don't take it personally, my own mother is vague if I mention visiting! She is just soooo busy and good on her. :D

Yes maybe I'm taking it too personally. Just that I only have the chance to meet up when I visit south, I have offered for her to come here, but I know it's too far lol I'm under no illusions it's not just a case of hopping onto a train! I just think it's odd that I've tried three times in eighteen months and been knocked back, specially as she knows the score distance wise. It is odd because in lots of ways we are close, she's always been someone who I felt I can tell pretty much anything. And she has always shared loads with me. All very odd. Normally she is open with me and will say if something doesn't appeal.
 

Trewsers

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Just wanted to add in - I don't want it to sound like I'm forcing her into meeting up, she was always the one who suggested it in the past. So that led me to wondering if when we moved up here she heaved a sigh of relief and thought, oh well I don't have to worry about her anymore and meeting up? I've not got many close friends - she is one of them so feeling a bit stumped.
 

Ale

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If she is still making the effort to keep in touch it doesn't seem like she would be intentionally avoiding meeting up. Perhaps she was just genuinely busy the times you have suggested. If it was me I would give her a few more chances and see what happened?
 
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CharliesAngel

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sending presents etc is easy though, and eases guilt ;)

looking at it form the other side, Im ashamed to say. I have a friend Ive known a very long time and Ive distanced myself. The issues is mine, not hers.. she hasnt done anything specific. Our lives have just changed SO much I find myself feeling really crap after we’ve met. Its not that in any way shape or form Im envious of her, but her ideas have changed over the years, (as have mine) and I just feel we dont have the things in common that we used to, and some of her ideas about things really irritate me Im embarrassed to say. I feel so crap about it as we were such good friends but I guess Im doing exactly what you’re experiencing just now. I see the shortfall as mine - right now, there are things about her, the things she says and her life that fuel some of my inner anxieties I suppose and I just dont need that right now. Not sure if that makes any sense.
 

Trewsers

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sending presents etc is easy though, and eases guilt ;)

looking at it form the other side, Im ashamed to say. I have a friend Ive known a very long time and Ive distanced myself. The issues is mine, not hers.. she hasnt done anything specific. Our lives have just changed SO much I find myself feeling really crap after we’ve met. Its not that in any way shape or form Im envious of her, but her ideas have changed over the years, (as have mine) and I just feel we dont have the things in common that we used to, and some of her ideas about things really irritate me Im embarrassed to say. I feel so crap about it as we were such good friends but I guess Im doing exactly what you’re experiencing just now. I see the shortfall as mine - right now, there are things about her, the things she says and her life that fuel some of my inner anxieties I suppose and I just dont need that right now. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Yeah that actually does make a lot of sense. Thanks for replying. It actually has given me something to think about from another angle:)
 

Star the Fell

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I’m rubbish at meeting up with friends. But I do keep in touch via email, texts, FB etc. It’s easy to do that as I can do it from home, work, my mums, on the move. Committing to a meet up, however, is a big thing. I have so little free time, I want to ride whenever I can. If I commit to meeting up on a Saturday afternoon, and it’s raining in the morning, but forecast nice in the afternoon then I think the meet up is a waste of riding time!
My sister is always asking me to do a theatre trip, but she books months in advance, I don’t plan anything for days in advance, as my life revolves around my ponies, one of which is often sick, I don’t want to commit to something then have to leave her in the care of someone else.
Maybe your friend is similar and has a lot going on in her own life. Keep emailing her, let her know when you will be around for a mee5 up, and let her know that you’d love to see her. If she wants to make the effort to see you, she will.
 

orbvalley

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My best friend of 31 years lives in the UK - I left there 15years ago and can have a panic attack at the thought of having to back - consequently our friendship has had to wane. We keep in touch with birthday & xmas cards and email but they are becoming more & more infrequent as the less we speak the less we have to say :( I guess we've just lost contact. She had a baby a few years after I left here so she is now a mother and wife who no doubt doesn't want to come here to visit during her precious annual leave from her full time job. Its sad, there's no ill feeling on either part but as @CharliesAngel has said we've simply grown apart. If we met up tomorrow we'd natter away like we'd never been apart but unfortunately life has got in the way of that for both of us..............maybe your circumstances are the same if there's no ill feeling for you two either?
 

newforest

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I lost touch with a friend for two years. We only live ten miles apart, bumped into each other and we are back chatting as we used to.
Losing touch didn't mean it was final. We at that time 'changed' drifted whatever you call it and sometimes you do need space.
What's the age gap as that was partly why we lost touch, our lives were just so different.
 

joosie

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Oct 28, 2004
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Agree with NF. You do drift apart from people but it's nearly always possible to reconnect if you want to! Actually just recently I have reconnected with a friend I hadn't communicated with for about 10 years. I saw her on Facebook before Christmas asking for help moving house, and she was moving literally 5 minutes away from my dad's house so I offered my assistance. Now we're hanging out a few times a week!
 
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