Some thoughts from Ben and I....

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins

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Oct 10, 2004
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It's been a while since I have mentioned Ben on here. It's funny because NR used to be such a nice part of my horsey life where I would come and share all our news and the fun things we used to do together. Over the last few years I find myself not wanting to write anything.

I have just written a very long post about Ben and then deleted it all. I'm not sure what is stopping me from sharing. The short story is that he has been a godsend to me during lockdown, but 'that' decision is looming and it is hard. Really hard. Why is it OK and considered ethical to watch humans decline and suffer, but for animals we have to make the decision before they are deemed to suffer too much? It's impossible. Apparently I will 'know' when the time comes, but I don't know. All I know is that I need him and life without him just looks empty. What do you do when you are responsible for ending the life of the best friend you ever had? How do you ever get over it?
 
(((Hugs))), when I knew our time was running out I wanted privacy and sharing what was happening felt like inviting people to intrude. You do what is right for you, there's no need for you to share if you don't want to.

I was lucky, I did know when enough was enough - mind you it was made very clear by an injury, kind of ironic that all the problems we had that made me know our days were few and yet it was an out of the blue injury that ended everything. In a way maybe those problems were a blessing because it made me make the most of every moment.

How do you get over it? You don't, but you learn to go forward with it.
 
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carthorse said:
(((Hugs))), when I knew our time was running out I wanted privacy and sharing what was happening felt like inviting people to intrude. You do what is right for you, there's no need for you to share if you don't want to.

I was lucky, I did know when enough was enough - mind you it was made very clear by an injury, kind of ironic that all the problems we had that made me know our days were few and yet it was an out of the blue injury that ended everything. In a way maybe those problems were a blessing because it made me make the most of every moment.

How do you get over it? You don't, but you learn to go forward with it.
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Since the vet gently told me in February that he wasn't going to get better, I really have made the most of it. I just love spending my mornings with him. Hacking out as the sun rises all on my own with just the wildlife in the fields for company is pure bliss. I was shielding for my family for a while so got into the habit of coming early and leaving before anyone else got there, and I have stuck with that. In some ways it is hard work waking up at 5:15am everyone, but for Ben it isn't a chore, it is a joy.
 
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Very interesting thought about the differences between human death and animal euthanasia. I'm going to have a think and write some more tomorrow. But I'm glad you have Ben in your life right now and you sound like you are making the most of every second. That's all any of us can really do as who knows what tomorrow holds really. That's not to take anything away from the very difficult situation you are in, with it always hanging over you knowing you are slowly losing him. He's a very lucky horse to have you, that's always shone through in all your posts, your absolute devotion to him.
 
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When do you know, you just will.

How do you get over it, I guess you don't but it gets easier.
With my first the decision was pretty much made for me, she went downhill quicker than expected.
You never forget them.
 
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I did like seeing your updates @Mary Poppins but when you wrote in February that the vet thought he'd got worse i thought you were finding in tough. If youve kept him going and been able to walk him out all over the spring and summer, i think youve done really well.

I have had to make alot of decisions on my animals over the years, it is never easy.
 
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So sad for you. I knew, eventually, but kept pushing it away, like any horrid decision, I just didn't want to make it. I'm so glad you're making these lovely memories with Ben, you've got those for ever. Hugs for both of you.
 
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I cannot tell you what I would do. The two yards I was at had very different policies. My Maisie was a particular favourite of the then YO. She lived 2 or 3 years unridden turned out by day and stabled at night and used as a therapy pony. Was put down when her face cancer began to cause pain (vet decision).

At our other more traditional yard the rule is that if an elderly horse can no longer move about in the field pain free, it is put down. Even the YO's personal horse. So in her yard, I guess Ben would go. The rationale is that horses can only remain safe if they can keep up with the herd. So a horse that is not mobile in the field is one that would have died in a natural herd setting.
This usually meant horses were put down at the end of the summer.
But I never knew a horse that was put down while still being ridden.

If one is a RS rider, one gets quite hard hearted about horses. You build a good relationship with a horse and each is unique, but I learned too from our RI however you feel about one particular horse - and there is no exact replacement - there are other horses out there. Your cob went and you found Ben.

The chance of it all makes it seem like the horses are provided by God. Owners cant map it all out. At some point a horse will approach you and stretch out its nose and you are going to respond - an animal reaction.
 
I don’t have any words of wisdom or any advice, I can only say that my heart aches for you. You will never ‘get over it’ how could you, nor should you, but you will learn to live with it and it will get easier eventually.
 
So sad for you. I knew, eventually, but kept pushing it away, like any horrid decision, I just didn't want to make it. I'm so glad you're making these lovely memories with Ben, you've got those for ever. Hugs for both of you
 
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Thanks for your kind words everyone. The question I ask myself is ‘is he in pain?’ Well, he is on 1.5 bute per day and is still obviously lame in trot and variable in walk. When I ride him (which is on vets recommendation) he starts off feeling stiff but then does improve. I really do think that he enjoys his hacks and the movement helps him. I don’t think he is in real pain, but I do think he feels uncomfortable much of the time. He consistently rests his right hind and there is slight heat and swelling around the stifle joint. This has been there for years.

He sometimes trips quite badly and at times I worry he might fall. On a bad day he throws his weight forward onto his right fore and his foot wobbles with the strain. He doesn’t always do this, only odd days. One day I will think that we have reached the end, and the next day he feels sounder for a while. It is inconsistent. He also trips in the field so it’s not just when I ride him.
In himself he is happy. He lives in a settled herd and his friends look after him. He eats well and loves to be groomed and pampered. He sleeps in his stable all day and goes out overnight.

I love him more than ever and I want to keep him. Where is the line that I need to cross to make that decision?
 
I really feel for you, it’s so hard. You do know when it’s time, I can’t explain it but you just do and there’s no right or wrong answer. I don’t ever get over it, I could sit here and sob now about my horses past, they were my everything each in their own ways, you just learn to live with it. When Bo went I was a mess, I couldn’t talk to anyone (at all, I just had no words) Or interact in any way for a week or more, not even my then hubby who I was living with.

Jess is fine in herself but her lameness hasn’t completely resolved this time, controlled exercise has always been key for her but now I can’t do that because of her heart I can see her deteriorating faster than I’d hoped, I haven’t seen her trot or canter in the field by choice in months and she’s always been full of it in the past. I know I’m going to be in that position of having to make the decision in the not too distant future. It’s shit, and I’m not over keen to share it either so totally understand that.
 
It's terribly hard, i managed to buy Rose an extra summer before she foundered and that was it. Buddy of course is on borrowed time but he hacked out today for 1 hour 15 up the woods, going along field margins and happy as a clam. I was thrilled with him. His diagnosis last year was horrible but he hasn't deteriorated further, is happy out grazing 24/7 with gates open so he can come in if he wants. I hope he will manage a few more years as he is well in himself now. All of my pts horses have been emergencies, fractures, colic, or just can't get them right and what is the point of more extreme pain relief when it is coming to wear off next day. My judgement would be once they can't get up - mind you i have hauled them up before now - are listless, don't want to eat, their eyes have that dull look, then it is generally time. But I have never had to do it so far, they have usually developed into an emergency. Done it multiple times with my cats, who regularly get to 20 plus, and usually with them, they do along, at a level, and are ok, then one day they go down a significant notch and they tell you they are fed up. I remember when i got the call at 1505am from the vet hospital to say that Big Ears donkey's colic had come back despite the surgery and they were going to pts and couldn't wait for me. I have never felt such utter pain in my life, i just lay in bed and howled. And Sasa broke my heart big time. Buddy will do the same as i adore the old bugger. At the moment i believe he has a lot of time ahead of him as he is cheerful, and full of himself. But I know we are on the goodbye curve just don't know when it will be.
 
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@Mary Poppins with what you describe I would let him carry on, he sounds content and with a reasonable quality of life as long as he has some pain relief and I wouldn't be concerned about 1.5 bute a day for a horse his size - my 14.1 Welsh cob gets one a day on vet advice for slight hock stiffness and because we can't afford him to overload his fronts.

I think you'll see if he starts being in constant pain rather than a bit stiff or sore. Heck I'm often very stiff in the morning before I've moved around enough, and I'm constantly lame, but I'm nowhere near giving up, I just have some paracetamol as needed and carry on. I don't believe horses have to be perfectly sound any more than we do, like us they just need any pin to be controlled so they have a reasonable life. The tripping badly when ridden some days would worry me, simply for my own safety. On a bad day would it be feasible to lead him out rather than ride him? You need to stay safe too.
 
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If he enjoys going out, I was going to say lead sometimes. I did this with my mare as she still enjoyed to be doing something.
I enjoy being beside just as much as being on board.

Lame doesn't necessarily mean pain. I am stiff and I think it's just the fact I am shattered. I am not going to say its my age.
 
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I had an ironic day yesterday, lovely hack out on Buddy and emergency vet in the evening as he came in not right at all. It's just how it is when they have issues, my boy was so well and never wrong and now i worry all the time.
 
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This came up on my facebook memories today @Mary Poppins , it felt very apt to me at the time and I suspect will to you right now

One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone.... And do not be troubled about the future, for it is yet to come. Live in the present, tomorrow is never promised. So, make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. Happiness is a journey, just as life is.
Enjoy the ride.
~--Unknown--~
 
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diplomaticandtactful said:
I had an ironic day yesterday, lovely hack out on Buddy and emergency vet in the evening as he came in not right at all. It's just how it is when they have issues, my boy was so well and never wrong and now i worry all the time.
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he is right as rain today, out in the field, he hacked for 1 hour 05 and then unridden for another 10, i let him into better grass as a treat as he had worked hard, came in as if in pain, tail swishing, tummy twitching, lots of gurgles and had sweated up - like previous episode. Vet came out, his temp and other readings fine, and he passed a poo before she came and immediately his face was more relaxed. not scrunched and worried. She thought he was lame on both fronts but i found a patch on the field with flattened grass - and his face mask - i think he got stuck as it was quite disturbed so he may have caught on his rug as he never lies down. Gave him danilon, he went back out up the field perfectly sound and is fine today, having a day off, my heart rate about normal now.
 
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