Thinking of giving up.

daftdraught

daftdraught

Active Member
Jul 24, 2009
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I woke up this morning with no desire to see my horses, since I had my youngest child it has proved hard to fit everything in, but I have always remained optimistic. I then broke my pelvis last year and had a long time of work ironically this gave me more time with the Naggs. Since returning to work in September my time has become more and more limited and my kids more and more demanding. My main contact with my horses is a drive by in the car and if we stop my youngest child screams contantly hes to young to let run about as he is of like a shot so my OH sorts the horses out while I sit in the car sorting the kids out. My day is long with sorting the kids out in the morning then going to work and not finishing until 7 in the evening. I live in a house I hate with horrid neighbours, my son is bullied at school I have no social life and no close friends. I seem to have lost all enjoyment out of life. And to top it all I bought my dream horse and haven't been able to catch the sh!t for a month now. I'm not after any sympathy but just need to get it all of my chest. The reason I'm thinking of giving up is I have not had fun with them for a long while and I think horses ownership should be about enjoyment. Hope you managed to get through that pat on thr back for those of you who did.
 
Oh dear - that is bad! How many kids have you got, and how old are they?
I think maybe you do need to take the pressure off somehow - enjoy the kids while they're little, and then you can go back to horses later, when the kids are at school and more independent. I agree, it's supposed to be about enjoyment - no point having horses if all they do is make your life stressful.

Could you find a sharer or let them go out on loan, or would it be best to sell them and start again later?
 
I don't have children, so I'm probably not the best person to comment, but, it does sound like you have a really long day and a lot to deal with. Are your horses on full/part livery? Would it make a difference if you had them on full livery during the week and then saw them at weekends to spend quality time with them?

For me, the time with my horse is the only time that I don't think about anything else, and I love it, it's like my bolt hole, and she has kept me going through a lot of cr@p over the last few months. If you are resenting them, then I would definitely think about changing your situation, as they probably pick up on your stress too. I know my horse does, if I go out to her all het up, she can be a bit moody.

The other thing is, and I don't know your situation, so I'm a bit wary of saying this, do you think you might be a bit depressed? If so, maybe having a word with your OH, GP or going to see a counsellor might help? If suddenly your outlook on life has changed, then maybe you need some time out and help from others, even if it's just your OH.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, by the way.

I hope you find a way of resolving your situation though, and the best of luck with it all :)
 
As Linda suggests, I think a sharer/helper would be ideal, or at least give that a go before heading for the loan or sale options. If you were to find a good sharer, what about organising your OH to look after the kids for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday so that you and the sharer can do something fun together with your horse? Even both of you just grooming and having a gossip could bring the fun side of it back for you. I wouldn't go down the road of giving up just yet, you would regret it in time.

I don't have kids so I can't suggest how to otherwise organise your time, but I'm sure there are plenty mums here of youngsters that could offer some advice???
 
Get a sharer of loan them out.. a bit of help goes a long way.. I don't have kids as yet, but I'm still busy with work and other things.. I find it hard to spend enough time with my two.. in fact to be honest, my youngster is just a field ornament at the moment.. he's only been on the yard twice since xmas..
I'm in a catch 22 with him.. he's retained a ball, so selling at this time is not an option, unless the buyer was willing to take that on, see the potential beyond the minor set back...I'm looking at another 6 months before I can deal with it.. another summer as an ornament..
I won't be able to show him, he's starting to show interest in mares, so may have to be confined this summer, depending on how bad he gets.. I'm really hoping he doesn't get worse too quickly.. last week he stood watching two mares in a field across the road.. winnying at them..
I really need a sharer for my big 'un, so I can find the time with little 'un.. not feel split into two all the time.. his companion frets when I so much as take him down the lane, I worry that'll he'll jump out of the field, or get caught up in the fencing..

Think it through before you make a decision.. I know how hard it is.. I felt a lot over xmas that I didn't want to be around my two.. everything was just going wrong..
 
Oh dear! You sound a bit like how i was and still am in a way. I have made myself stronger though and even more adamant to have me time. Yes i love my kids dearly and they will always come first no matter what, but i have learnt that you also need time away otherwise you will go insane. Yes the OH whinges but i've got the attitude now, sod him i'm not going to be made to feel guilty, he has his time out so i should have mine.

Maybe sit down with your OH and talk about how you feel. Maybe have a break from horses for a while till your children are older. Can you not get a sharer or put your horses out on loan?
 
Contraversial suggestion here but could you find a sharer....for your children? Sounds like the sunny weekend has started a guilt trip in you for not being able to spend any time with the horses and the kids paired with your lack of confidence has so far acted as a nice reason not to.
I say get rid of the pressure by finding a nice babysitter and spending an hour just sitting in the field sunbathing or reading. The way you talk about horses there's no way you're getting rid of them! I so wish I lived near you mrs, we could do the nervous nelly thing together. I have a lot of respect for those who have horses and children as I know how difficult it must be to juggle, but can you really imagine your life without them?
 
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I think I have to much to deal with at the mo I'm trying to get through my driving test to give myself some freedom, I'm trying to get my eldest into a new school, trying to lose weight. Its hard to get OH motivated to do anything.The horses are on permanant turnout we rent our land, my Husband can see them from where he works so has contact with them every day. my oldest is nine and my youngest is two. The only help I can get is from my mum, we have to take the kids to hers she never comes to mine and we only have about 2-3 hours once a month. I have tried to get a horse friend to hack out with me but when they see the size of them they never get back. I'm almost certain I want to get rid of one of mine. I tried to get Flora into working livery but non of the stables got back to me obviously the market is flooded with weight carrying well schooled Ardennes!!!!. I know that in a couple of years my youngest will be at school I don't have youth on my side I was 41 when I had him. I'm going completely horse free for a month to see how I feel. but I can't carry on dreading the very activity that I used to love. My dad used to say " never wish for your hearts desire because one day it may come true" Its taken all these years to understand what he meant. :( Thank you all for your support hopefully I will get through this and feel a total pillock:eek:
 
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I sort of know where you are coming from and it is a vicious circle isnt it?

I have 2 kids and they used to hate going to the stables. I ended up getting them a pony to faff with but even now they get bored after half an hour as I need to muck out still and so I end up spending half of my time telling them I wont be long and the other half splitting up their arguments (mine are 6 and 9).

I got my lad to have lessons on and since I got him I have moved yards and now have no school. Also the saddle fitter has deemed both mine and my ponies saddle unsuitable and so none of us can ride as I cannot get an opinion on a suitable saddle.

My OH hates me having horses but I argue that they are the only thing that are 'mine' but at the moment i am getting no enjoyment apart from watching them gallop off after being stabled.

My argument for 'riding the storm' and keeping them is that if I dont have them, I am then just a girlfriend and a mum. Nothing else. I dont know what to suggest apart from trying to find entertainment at the fields? Maybe corner a section off and put toys or something in whilst you get done? How about a football and goal? A swing? A slide? Just in the corner of the field? I dunno....

My one piece of advice is dont try and lose weight whilst all this is on your mind as I think it is too much to contend with and if you dont lose any it will feel like it is another thing you have 'failed' at, even though you havent, you just have a lot going on.

Feel free to pm me :)

Oh and my youngster has been deemed as being too small for me in the future which has made me even more fed up!

I know a friend who sold a 'Flora' who was a shire x wb - that isnt the breed of yours is it?
 
My post is going to be completely rubbish but wanted to put something anyway.

I don't have children but kind of, in my own way, understand how you feel - and how frustrating it is. I am lucky that my horse IS my 'get away' from everything else. Work is hard at the moment & I'm loathing every minute (although it helps being on here a lot!!! :p)

And because work isn't great it's affecting the rest of my life. My OH, god love him, is doing the best he can - but it's not easy on him either, especially when he also hates his job.

It sometimes seems that life is so unfair; why can't it all just be enjoyable. Life shouldn't be struggle, that's not why we're put on Earth (at least I bloody hope not anyway).

I hope you manage to sort something out to make you happier. We all need our quality alone time and if there's anyway you can get some of this hopefully it will help.

A pointless point really but sending lots of happy life vibes your way :)
 
I would suggest getting a sharer, or at least a babysitter for an hour or two a week so you can go and ride. I have a babysitter who is £5 an hour and if I have her a couple of hours a week then that is perfect me time!
 
daftdraught said:
I think I have to much to deal with at the mo I'm trying to get through my driving test to give myself some freedom, I'm trying to get my eldest into a new school, trying to lose weight. Its hard to get OH motivated to do anything.The horses are on permanant turnout we rent our land, my Husband can see them from where he works so has contact with them every day. my oldest is nine and my youngest is two. The only help I can get is from my mum, we have to take the kids to hers she never comes to mine and we only have about 2-3 hours once a month. I have tried to get a horse friend to hack out with me but when they see the size of them they never get back. I'm almost certain I want to get rid of one of mine. I tried to get Flora into working livery but non of the stables got back to me obviously the market is flooded with weight carrying well schooled Ardennes!!!!. I know that in a couple of years my youngest will be at school I don't have youth on my side I was 41 when I had him. I'm going completely horse free for a month to see how I feel. but I can't carry on dreading the very activity that I used to love. My dad used to say " never wish for your hearts desire because one day it may come true" Its taken all these years to understand what he meant. :( Thank you all for your support hopefully I will get through this and feel a total pillock:eek:
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To me if i was you id give my horse on loan for 6 months to someone decent obviously and give yourself a break. You will find a huge difference once you have passed your test and let you get on top of things. If you still feel the same after the loan then think of selling but dont do something you will regret just yet :) you might feel totally ready for your horses in 6 months time and wish you hadnt sold them if you know what i mean. Good Luck in whatever you decide xxx
 
Just wanted to send you some sympathy anyway. Can't imagine how on earth anybody horsey fits kids in (I am kid free and I find it hard enough!). Lots of good advice been given on here about loaning / sharing. HOpe that you can find somebody suitable. I can't imagine how frustrated you are - and you are doing a long day at that too - not getting home until 7.
Fingers crossed that you can find a sharer / helper. Have you considered posting an ad in your local tack shop / feed merchant for help wanted? Maybe there are some people out there who'd jump at the chance to exercise / help out with other people's horses, if they can't afford their own? Just a thought.
 
You are not a pillock, you are a busy mum of 2 with a job, a house to run, OH and horses all ofn which suck your time away.

What is worse is that whilst at work you probable have time on your hands to think about all the things you have to do at home!!!!

I completely agree with stop the weight watching it is an added pressure you really do not need.

If your neddy is you dream neddy at present don't sell, dream neddies are really hard to come by and a good loan horse that is not a nightmare is also really had to come by. Just have a scout through NR at all the people trying to find a good loan pony.

I don't have children so complete respect in that area as I would never cope.

Deep breath, chin up and look at good (it is there honest, just look deeper)
 
I really do know where you are coming from on this. 30 odd years ago when my boys were young I had a bad accident and was unable to ride or even look after mine for some time. Very busy life and TBh just didnt seem to be able to fit in doing anything with the horses even when I was slightly more recovered.- and the boys were a pain when I did try to take them with me to faff around:rolleyes:

so decided to sell 2 horse, 1 pony and 1 donkey. Became increasingly depressed over next 18 months - nothing in particular but everything in general if you know what I mean? My family pointed out to me that since Id 'got out' of horses I had become more and more miserable. So decided to go horse hunting again and very much regretted selling my 2 previous ones. Made a real effort for me time with the new horse - including just leaving OH to get on with it with the boys regardless if he liked it or not!;)

Few months on and all depression disappeared - kids even became more interested and got them a pony again.

Moral is - I wouldnt sell - loan if you can and give yourself a break - maybe a year or so without them until you are driving and the youngest child is a little older might make a difference?

And have to say you mentioning that you dont have youth on your side is the only statement that does sound like a pillock!!:D By the time your youngest is at school you will have years ahead of you with the horses - believe me you can still thoroughly enjoy making a total idiot of yourself on your horse well into your sixtys and beyond!:D

Hope you feel a bit happier very soon and I know your not looking for sympathy but you have mine anyway:)
 
i had a similar feeling for about 1.5yrs with my horses. Although its nothing to do with children as i dont have any!!

my old mare went lame, i bought new 'perfect' mare and 'semi-retired' the old mare...within a month the new mare went lame and stayed lame for 18months. It cost me an absolute fortune in vets bills and stress and almost my marriage to be honest.

I was so uninterested and depressed about the horses, was miserable at home, OH started hating the horses because they made me miserable yet cost me a fortune! I wanted to get rid of the new mare because she terrified me (turned into a monster on 7 months of box rest and then i couldnt catch her for months when she was turned out)....i didnt though...

Now though looking back im glad i didnt give up, i asked people for help with the horses and slowly got more confident and started enjoying it again. My OH doesnt hate the horses anymore, shows some interest and supports me abit (although he's pretty fed up now hearing me come home and say 'moet did this, moet did that, i cantered again...blah blah blah' think he prefered it when i hated it!! lol)

I have a wonderful bond with Moet now, and although during the last year my confidence shattered on times, i feel much much stronger now and love her even more.

have to agree with the others...find a sharer, advertise everywhere for a sharer for HW hackers. Next try temp loans, then perm loans, then sell. OR if you feel its the right thing to do then def just sell them. Life is too short to be unhappy and stressed.
 
It comforting to know that some of you have had simular experiances to mine and come through it Thanks again for your support it helps to share a problem instead of keeping it to myself but its hard to explain things to those closest to you without them thinking you are spitting your dummy out :eek:
 
Not read all replies so sorry if repeating.I would say take a break for a while,concentrate on your kids and yourself for a while until kids are older and life is a little less demanding.

This is exactly the reason I got out of horses for years when I had my kids and depsite even my OH suggesting (bless him!!) getting another,I decided to wait until my youngest child was at fuill time school before getting back into horse ownership.I just knew I would not have the time to give everyone the time and care they needed and deserved.I did not see the point in having a hobby that was more stress than fun,and I knw that's how it would be trying to juggle young kids,work and everything else!!

I believe it was the right decision,and especially as it turns out my kids are not interested in horses in the slightest,so would have been a pain to have to drag them to see to horses all the time etc.Waiting has meant I can enjoy my hobby without the guilt and stress:) Well ok I still have the stress as sometimes there never seems to be enough hours in the day lol,but is less than if had attempted to do it all when had a young family.

That's only my experience and opinion of course but just to show that although horses and kids *can* go together,it's not always easy and you should not feel guilty if you want a break whilst you bring up your family.Horses will still be there in a couple of years,and maybe having a break will mean you can enjoy them again:)
 
I had a long break from horse, although never had my own. I returned to horses when my daughter started at nursey a couple of mornings a week and bought my first one after my daughter started full time.

I try not to take her down the yard as this is my hobby not heres. Hubby isn't horsey.

I've always said that if my lifestyle got in the way too much of our family time together (hubby works unpredictable hours and is often away) that I'd ditch the horses because the family comes first.

It sounds in your case like a break might do you good if you have been feeling like this over a prolonged period of time and this isn't just the reaction to a bad week. I would say the real question is whether you think that when your youngest goes to nursery and then school, is being the the horses the place you are going to want to be?
 
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