Wary of even starting this lol

TBminx

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Mar 22, 2013
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Im wary of even asking as it normally upsets me when people dont understand how it stresses me out and the dilemma it poses but think safe enough on here as all horsey so know what that involves :wink:

Im 39 and hubby 43 and married 8 years. I would like a baby but then again dont want one cos happy with my life as it is and feel too hard with our lifestyle and horses on livery and work. I get up 6.30 amd leave for work 7am with hours drive then home 5-6pm with marking to do most nights and horses on yard that is only 10 mins away but does not do full livery if needed it and not really reliable in the mornings either at times :poop:

Hubby could be away 4am on the road as a lorry driver and home 6-10pm. I never know when he is home til 5pm or afterwards. I live half an hour away from my family and from his in opposite directions.

So how do I do a baby basically managing on my own and two horses on livery with one that needs in at nights if not hot sunny day or he self harms causing us stress and expense?? I am often doing the horses on my own at nights with no time for tea after work.

Everyone is one at me that biological clock is ticking and I know hubby would like one anyway but doesnt put pressure on me though i know he has no idea how hard it will be and thinks we will just have to cope.

So we put house on the market 2 years ago and had one offer that fell through cos of us being mucked about by place we wanted so buyer went elsewhere and no offers since and cannt afford to drop price any further as be negative equity plus we need enough to buy somewhere with land obviously.

I am now considering renting house out but cant find equine property to rent or am considering moving to pauls home area and building on his land as his dad has a farm and paul has land but then I have to stop work as too far to travel and so far away from all my friends and family I know i would be lonely but then it no job alot less stress and horses with me. Im just so stressed by it all and its like such a weight on my chest and stops me sleeping. I discussed it with hubby this morning as bth lying awake and then I felt couldnt breathe and crying while he slept oblivious :cry:
 

Tina2011

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Mar 23, 2012
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That's a tough one.

Sure someone will come a long later with some advice. There are a good few on here who seem to be able to juggle home, horses and work but I have no idea how.

I only had one child and found that a full time job in itself.

I think moving to his fathers farm might be the best possibility, especially if there is a 'grandmother' who could help you with the child. It would also be tons cheaper to keep the horses on your own land and far less hassle.

Take a deep breath and write down all your possibilities, then try and work out which one is 'do able'.

Just bare in mind that children invariably bring 'more stress' not less. They are also a very unknown quantity. Some angels, some nightmares, some sick some well. You don't get to choose and once its here, there is no going back.
 

popularfurball

Learning all the time
Jul 18, 2005
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I think babies are a bit like horses - if you really want them you find time/finances for them - and often you go without as a result.

You sound like your taking this all on yourself, I appreciate that other half works long days but you need to be speaking with him - perhaps he could get a different job (a friend changed from hgv deliveries to Hgv driving instructor for this reason) and perhaps he might have some other ideas to take the pressure off you?
 
You have just described me.

Minus the job bit mine is very different but I will come to that.

My OH is a lorry driver as well and I sympathise because his hours are just the same and just the same as you I don't know what time he's coming home if at all until around 5pm.

We have one child, i will not be having more. 4 horses 2 dogs and a rabbit.

I rent a yard for my horses and they live out. I make everything as simple as I can to make my life easiest it can be.

If your OH is anything like mine changing jobs is not an option. Much the same as horses are not an option for me to give up his lorries are the only thing he knows and loves and I couldn't ever ask him to give it up.

I'm assuming you're a teacher? If so how about going part time and becoming a supply teacher. If the thought is there you could give up work if you moved to the farm how about supply work and with help on hand it's do able.

I work 4 on 4 off I start at 6 in the morning and am usually not home before half 5 in the evening. My stepmum has Chloe on my days at work other than the weekend when hutch is home and can have her. On the Saturday he does work she goes in the lorry with him and loves it.
My stepmum is brilliant and also horsey so she keeps Chloe for a bit longer so I can ride of an evening.

I make up meals for the days I'm at work so I can just heat them up and cook the accompaniments quickly when I get home, so we are still eating good meals.

Family being half hr away isn't the end of the world the closest of ours are 20 minutes away.

It's just about getting into a routine it is more than doable.

The best advice I can give is don't pansy a baby. I mean that in the nicest possible way. I very lucky my daughter is an angel and puts up with a lot but we haven't pandered to her.

Right from the start if she woke up outside of feed times at night I left her 10 minutes if she was still crying there was a problem. It took 2 weeks for her to learn I only came in when there was a problem and she slept through from 2 weeks old.

Right from the start I've been very relaxed with her but firm and clear.

I fitted the horses in around her feeds morning and night. Feed change etc straight into car in morning 2 minutes later fast asleep and off to yard. She stayed asleep while I did jobs and then did the same come evening. In warmer weather slept in her pushchair in the barn. As she got older playpen in the barn on cold days she would sleep in car while I scooted around and did jobs quickly.

You can make up feeds and nets on a Sunday while OH stays at home with baby. Make up the whole weeks, just add any beet daily if necessary.

Poo picking well, I harrow, but if I did have any I would have done it on a Sunday.

Chloe is 2 now and she loves coming to the yard and rarely moans because she knows no better it's been a daily part of her life since she was born. It's just part of her routine.

Chloe has also been in a hip spica and then a brace for the past 6 months which has added to the challenge but we've got through it and it comes off on Monday, can't wait :D

Is there the option of maybe getting a sharer that could help you out? My sharers I have only had them the last month but they'd be more than happy to help me out if I needed it.
 
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Joyscarer

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Dec 30, 2006
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I didn't go back to work after having a baby. I didn't take up horses again until my daughter went to nursery, that then was my horsey time.

My husband works long unpredictable hours and is often away, can often go to work and not come home with no notice, so I was always going to be the one that fitted in round him. He's paid well because of this so I don't have a paid job, just my buy to let houses.

My ponies live out in a field i rent and I just do one visit a day. They can be rugless and just need a bucket feed because Little Un has daily meds. I can just do a flying visit of 10mins to make a feed and leave their feeds in the field and catch up with poo picking another day.

If I worked full time as well then I'd have to go for a full livery option which I couldn't justify in terms of expense to our family. My family gets so little quality time together that tbh if it was a choice between sacrificing time every night with them, and playing ponies then is rather be with my family. I love having time with my ponies but i adore any time i can get with hubby and daughter. So,given that consistent time to look after ponies and maybe ride would be such a large proportion of any quality family time we do have then I'd give up the ponies and maybe just get a share a couple of times a week.
 

TBminx

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Mar 22, 2013
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Thank you talking to people in same situation juggling really helps.

Mine cant live out as gelding a self harmer and a stress head if not summers day with sun.

My family would then be hour away not half an hour as they are now.

Grandma would be great but I would rather my mum than my mum in law and while a lovely family into church things and I am not remotely.

Changing jobs is not an option for hubby at the mo anyway. He does not love it so might look into it but wouold have to get the quaifications of course.

I am a teacher yes. I couldnt stay at my school as be hour and half minimum drive and its enough being an hour without a family. Teaching jobs are mad so would have to leave and get different job or part time or supply teach. Thing is you often get a call 8am and need to be able to just up and go wherever.

The job thing for me doesnt worry me and is an extra motivation to do this as my job has driven me to medication this year and I would love to get out!!
 

OwnedbyChanter

With out my boys life would be bland
Apr 16, 2009
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I am 37 OH is 49 people have stopped asking us about children they will never happen.

BUT if you even think you might want a child you have to try. It is harder as you get older to even get to that stage and the rest will fall in to place you will find away to work around the horses and the jobs.

A lot of people when they have children are more than happy to change their whole way of living because that little bundle becomes their soul function and sell their horses this is no big thing if they go to loving homes. Horses are not always for life as unfortunately for us humans things change, money, health, jobs an family.

Sorry not much help I know.
 

Tina2011

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Mar 23, 2012
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Life is a mad mix TB.

What you gotta think is....what do I really want?....then go try and get it.

If you die trying....at least you have tried.:smoke:

I saw your post first thing this m un I thought Arck! someone else is in a similar rangle lol.

My life is bonkers, full of 'I want to do this'...' but I can't because of that' blaa blaa.

I know longer know what I am talking about, I have confused myself.....where is that gun lol:giggle:
 

mystiquemalaika

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Jan 7, 2013
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Life is a mad mix TB.

What you gotta think is....what do I really want?....then go try and get it.

If you die trying....at least you have tried.:smoke:

I saw your post first thing this m un I thought Arck! someone else is in a similar rangle lol.

My life is bonkers, full of 'I want to do this'...' but I can't because of that' blaa blaa.

I know longer know what I am talking about, I have confused myself.....where is that gun lol:giggle:

Tina I love your posts make me feel less alone :D
 

Mary Poppins

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Oct 10, 2004
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I have 2 young children and I also work part time and have a horse. My horse is on part livery so I don't have to get there morning and/or evening if I can't, but what really makes my horse time happen is my amazingly supportive husband. He leaves the house at 7:30am every morning and practically as soon as he gets through the door at 6pm, he baths the kids while I go and ride. He does this every night and never complains, in fact he is the one pushing me out of the door most nights. At weekends he is happy to look after the boys for at least a couple of hours while I ride. Without him, and the support I get from my livery yard, horse ownership would be impossible for me.

I always knew that I wanted a family, so for that reason I never bought a horse in my early 20's. I had lots of lessons and loaned, but I didn't want to face the choice between horses and children. And, at the end of day you do have to make a choice. To keep your horses and your lifestyle, you will have to make significant changes to make sure that someone is at home to look after your child.

It's not easy being a mother. It is a totally life changing experience and from the moment that your baby is born, nothing else is important anymore. My 2 children are my whole life. Everything revolves around them and my life is nothing like it used to be. I no longer go out and socialise with my friends. I never have time to make myself look nice/do my nails etc. My house is full of toys and looks a mess. While I have kept my job, it has turned very much into a job rather than a career. I have much less money than I used to. But you know what? I couldn't be happier and I wouldn't change my family for the world. For me, the sacrifices are all worth it.

I often hear people say that they don't mind what sex their baby is, as long as it is healthy. This strikes a chord with me, because my eldest child has a serious, complicated metabolic problem, and my younger child has hearing problems. I have no idea why this happened to either of them and the stress is sometimes very hard, but children don't have to be in 'perfect' health for you to enjoy being a happy family together.

If you want to have a family together than you will find a way to make it happen. I would urge you to talk to your husband about your worries though. If you are crying while he is sleeping, this is not a good thing.
 

squidsin

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Feb 16, 2013
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I've a 2 year old and a 4 year old, work Weds-Fri and have a horse on assisted DIY (plus a dog, a cat and 6 chickens). It works out OK! You find a way. My husband works in London and is out of the house between 6am and 7pm but my kids are in a good nursery on my working days and I ride in my lunchtimes and at weekends. If you want something enough, you can make it work. The thing is, you may well regret not having kids, but you won't regret having them. You could always just have one - one child can slot into your life fairly easily, it's when you get into multiples that chaos really strikes!
 
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Louby*eko

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Jun 19, 2008
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I think if you both really want it you will make it work somehow, you just do.
I didn't really want children till a few years ago, I am 34 and have a 10 month old and he has changed my life (for the better obviously!)
I have had him in a sling since day 4 and got on with horses, dog walking ect and bless him he just fits in. I also now work full time again and am doing a degree. It's is very hard work sometimes but you just manage.
I never thought it was possible to survive on such little sleep but that is beginning to pass ( I have been blessed with an angel in all respects except that he doesn't sleep, he just doesn't see the value in it!) saying that I have surprised myself at big a bit of a hippy parent and am happy to go with what he needs for the time being
It has changed my relationship with Oh though and we are still adjusting to it. We both enjoyed being able to do our own thing and the lack of sleep has been a test but we are getting there. His life didn't really change till I went back to work really but now he has had to change his work pattern (which is just a matter of being more organised really, that is a major challenge for him!) as he has to pick little fella up from the childminder. I work afternoons as it works out cheaper for childcare.
I won't be having another till I finish my degree though, much as i would live another as I do not have any more room in my schedule!
 
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domane

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Jul 31, 2005
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I gave up horses at 21 to get married and have a family. I had three in 4.5 years through my twenties and there was never time or money to give horses a thought, let alone anything else. I only came back to it all when I was 42 and they were all grown up! :giggle:
 
This is one of the reasons I am only having one child. She does slot into life perfectly. She's happy doing whatever we do, she just knows no different. I wouldn't be able to have everything if I had 2 and the animals are as much a part of my family as she is.

If I didnt have them I don't know what I would do with myself. Be at home doing housework lol!!

On my days off she comes down the yard and plays all day long, the girls turn up and she has them wrapped round her little finger lol. At my stepmums she is around horses still all day or most of it.

Even my stepmum says one for us is perfect and I'm not allowed to churn out another lol!!! Good job I don't plan to haha!!
 

Innocence

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Jun 1, 2009
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I have two children, two horses on DIY and both myself and my OH work full time. As my OH works in London it is very difficult to find time to ride in the winter but summer with the long evenings i just wait till he gets home.

I got my horses when my son was about a year old and my daughter 3yrs (I did have horses previously but had to give them up when i had my daughter due to being a single parent).

My summer and winter routines are different, Winter im up at 4.30am to go put horses out, muck out etc. Then home to sort kids and get them off to school. Evenings i pick them up, then go get horses in whilst they normally wait in the car.

Summer i don't go up in the mornings as my friend looks over the field for me, i then wait till OH gets home from work before i go up in the evening. I pick kids up from after school club, sort tea then go.

It's best to prepare as much as possible in advance, like making up a batch of meals and freezing them. Packed lunches for the morning, ironing uniforms and laying them out etc.

It's hard work but do able and we only have the mother in law to rely on if there is an emergency.
 

Ruskii

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Jun 21, 2000
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I'm another with just the one. I left my job after having my daughter as due to various reasons I'm only having one. Having just the one has enabled me to a be a parent but still keep a bit of my old life (a tiny bit !) I've kept my horse but before I brought him I knew I might be trying for a child so went with the option of 'Might not fall pregnant but I don't want to loose this window of riding out with OH (who had his own) ' So we had one LOVELY summer then I fell pregnant.

My thoughts were if money was to tight then I would sell my horse, as I deliberately chose a type that would resell easily. 5 years in he's still here :D

We cut costs right back and have always kept them out, it saves time and money and we believe better for the animal and family time. If I couldn't keep him out, then I'd have to look at an assisted DIY arrangement. Luckily with OH being able to handle a horse happily from having his own duty of care was split between ourselves for the horses. We also had two dogs :)

For family back up, we have none. No one.

They do fit around you to a degree, but like everything horsey related you get differing opinions on stuff ;)

If your crying at night, I suggest a talk with your hubby x
 

Gimp

Gimpy Gimp Gimp
Jan 19, 2005
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I bought a youngster, round about the same time I found out I was expecting ( bad timing!) however it was easy as he lived out.. and the exercise to see him did me good. I had to give him up for other reasons, but dont let horses stop you having a child, if its such a great yearn inside to have one you make do. Motherhood makes you the worlds best juggler!

I am currently horseless still my child is 'rising 2:redcarded:' however she is now starting to have little rides on a adorable pony and seeing her happy little face onboard a pony makes all the sacrifices worth while.

Theres alot of options you can look into, loaners, sharers, selling. Your priorites change when you have a mini human being to look after, but having just the one child is fairly easy on a juggling scale to work round anyway.

For me personally being a mum has turned my life upside for the better :)
 

sjp1

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Sep 14, 2009
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I personally think it depends how much money you have.

If you have a partner who works long hours and you will have to return to fulltime work after the baby, I would say having a horse is not a particularly easy option.

If however you are lucky enough to have enough money to do part or full livery, then not so tricky.

I think Innocence says it all on DIY livery - 4.30am on a cold rainy winters morning requires real dedication, and TBH, and am so not being funny, but at 39 children are tiring.

I had my son at 29 and frankly, wouldn't have had the same energy at 39 to have a horse as well - but maybe I am just lazy!!!
 
P

pinkheather

Guest
As a male on this forum and with regard to children and lifestyles, in my humble opinion there is never a right time to start a family. In my case it just kept happening and after the initial shock of being told you are about to be a father you adjust. Sure you make sacrifices and your world is turned upside down, no money, living on one wage, working all the hours that god sends, no holidays, no treats but you no what, i wouldnt have missed it for all the money in the bank of England. The one thing that it made me is you appreciate every little moment on your own, it makes your relationship strong and nothing can break you up. To have a good wife and mother at your side is an absolute joy and you never want it to end.
 
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