Hi All

C

ConfidenceCoach

New Member
Mar 4, 2008
176
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0
North Wales, UK
www.facebook.com
Hi, have been away from NR for a while, and was pleasantly surprised with the new confidence club section, if i can answer any questions, let me know, am writing at the moment, so will spending some time on my laptop, so will check in from time to time...am re learning how to use the site so bear with me!:eek:))
 
Hiya - can you please give a bit of background etc. just to put us nervous nellies in the picture with your confidence coaching qualifications etc? Would be great to find we have a professional to help us all out?:unsure::biggrin:
 
Sorry - should have checked first - very impressive list of stuff on your bio - OK so sit back and wait for the questions to come rolling in!:giggle:
 
Hello, I have so many questions - I suggest that you get a strong drink to get through my post! (Thank you for giving the opportunity to ask you questions by the way).

I have always been a nervous rider for no real reason. I have been riding for 30 years and apart from a scarey bolting incident about 20 years ago, I haven't had any really nasty accidents.

After many years of riding school lessons and loaning I have recently purchased my first horse. He is a 7 year old shire x Tb who is simply the quietest, safest confidence giving horse I could ever hope to own. I knew him before I brought him and know that he has never bucked, spooked, bolted etc. He is an absolute saint and has not put a foot wrong since I got him. He can be 'looky' and is very nosy, but has never made me feel unsafe and always stops when I want him to.

Before I brought him I thought that I only ever wanted to ride round the fields and do basic schooling, but after only 6 weeks with him I have found he is very intelligent and capable and I am starting to think that perhaps we could compete in dressage and jumping. My yard has many competitions throughout the year and I'm hoping that we can get to the level where we can hold our own against all the 'posh' horses on the yard.

So I have set some goals which are realistic (i.e. starting with walk and trot dressageanywhere test), I have a positive attitude, I have the right horse, so what is my problem? The problem is that as soon as I get even the slightest bit nervous I tense up, lean forward, grab the reins, start to act like a complete idiot, sometimes cry and if I feel I can't take it I just get off. I know that this is the wrong thing to do and everytime I do it my brain is telling me to stop but I just can't sit back and relax. I have read many books, tried visualistion, singing songs, getting friends to tell me what I am doing, but whatever I try I just can't help myself. When the nerves kick in, I just can't help getting into what my body feels is the 'safe' position, but in reality it is the most dangerous position to be in. When I do it I actually say out loud to myself that I need to sit back and relax, but I just can't make my body do it. So far my horse has looked after me and ignored my idiotic riding, but we are always within our 'safe' area (i.e. the school or the fields we have access to). I feel that he feels safe here so doesn't need me to act as the leader.

It is stopping me from pushing my boundaries because I don't trust myself not to do it if we went out of our safe area and I got into a problem. For example, to get to the competions I have to walk through the woods and walk across the busy main road. If I got nervous and went into my crazy forward seat when a lorry was coming past and my horse needed me for reassurance, I don't trust that I can give this to him and therefore worry that my horse may sense my terrfied vibes and an accident will happen. I want to be the leader and enable my horse to look to me for confidence, but instead I always look to my horse to look after me. I have always had this problem, with all the horses that I have ridden. The difference is now that I have my own, I need to sort it out or we will never get out there and do anything. I need to make my body do what my brain says, but sometimes I feel that my body and my brain are part of 2 separate people.

Can you help?
 
Hi

The answer is yes.

Firstly, stop shouting at yourself. everything you are doing is perfectly normal.

getting off your horse when firghtened is the perfect thing to do. I dont let people go near a horse until they can approach the horse with confidence. i call it the 'STOP, PAUSE, BACK to S.A.F.E.' mode. A lot of what is said about fighting thru etc etc in the riding world is actually wrong. (In my humble opinion from helping hundreds of riders get over confidence challenges)

Your memory of the bolting incident from 20 years ago is affecting you because if it wasnt, you would have forgotten about it and wouldnt have mentioned it. I would get you to do some fast mental reprogramming for that part of the process which basically is remembering the memory as a cartoon and experiencing the memory in a different way.

break down the goals into really small steps, Stress exposure training it is known as, you build up the stress slowly. Even if it is to take a journey of a few paces outside of your comfort zone; then return.

Look at this as an exciting challenge, not a problem. remember why you got into riding, your'e suppose to be having fun, so focus on that, not trying to be confident.

Keep saying the 'calm & confident' as a mantra/affirmation.

hypnotise your horse! ~ As strange as it sounds, this technique is great for calming you and your horse. Before we had the ability to speak, we had to communicate non verbally and with sounds. When employing hypnotherapy techniques, there would be no point in telling a client whilst I was in an anxious state to, “relax”. I first have to enter the state of mind I want the client to go in first. Stand in front of your horse and take a deep breathe in and then slowly blow it out and relax your whole body whilst saying in a soothing voice; ”calm and confident”. Keep repeating this mantra as you move yourself into an ever deeper relaxed state. In some cases you will actually see the horse become really calm and relaxed. This then, when noticed by you, makes you move into an even more relaxed state as you see your horse appear so calm. It’s called building rapport and it works like a feedback dynamic. You’re the boss, so go there first emotionally where you want your horse to follow.

Obviously, having a session of some sort with me, would help... have a think about it:)..off for a refilll!:running:
 
Thanks for your reply. The bolting incident has stuck in my mind like it was yesterday - not 20 years ago. Infact I can remember it so vividly I can tell you the names of all the horses and riders who were out with us, what they were all wearing and exactly where we were when the horse took off. I particularly remember the feeling of thinking that I was going to die as I headed at full gallop towards the main road with buses and lorries passing by. I actually jumped off the horse just before he reached the main road otherwise I probably would have been killed. It's funny typing that out actually, because it makes me realise that when I look at the main road at my current yard that I need to cross to get to the shows, I get exactly the same emotions as when I was being bolted with. Just looking at the road freaks me out to be honest.

I have often thought of going on some kind of confidence workshop but 2 main things put me off. Firstly, the attitude from my current RI and from many in the past is that I just need to 'do it' and then I will be cured. I am feeling lots of pressure to just go and cross the road (with company to start with) and the advice as been to do this daily until it gets easier. My RI has taught me for 4 years and using his approach (which is basically shouting at me!), he has got me to do things that I never thought that I would. However, the underlying fear is still there and I don't think that my riding has really improved as I have the same old bad habits (hanging onto the reins for dear life!) as I always had. While I do most of things that he asks (tells!) me to do, I think that I am just fighting against myself rather than truely increasing confidence.

Secondly, I have a degree in psychology and have studied NLP and cognitive psychology and I'm not sure that I believe that I can actually change my mindset. I don't think that I actually could ever change my mindset about the bolting. How could I ever think about it and not feel terrified? I'm not sure that anything that anyone could say to me would be able to take away my memories and replace them with anything else. I think that they are too ingrained.
 
Hi

is that a challenge, lol, am sorry to dissapoint you, but your not such a big challenge at all. in fact now you have admitted to the fact you 'do' remember the incident, you have relegated yourself to the easier challenges to overcome... But it was worth a try!:eek:))

Psychologists and therapists are great to work with cos they understand a lot of what am doing, RI's shouting at you are only giving you a symptomatic solution, not helping on a fundamental level..:eek:)

http://www.newrider.com/forum/showthread.php?t=225704&highlight=confidence+workshop

There are lots of generalisations in your thread, which lead me to believe you could be helped with NLP's meta model, I mention that because it seems you need some preparation before you take on your confidence challenge.. I would be glad to have a chat by phone if you like.. :)
 
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Welcome back :wavespin: Not sure you'll see much of me in this section.. I have more problems with motivation than confidence.. but you might see me about when I start jumping my horse again :smoke:
 
I'm a relative newbie so didn't know you from before. But have to say that lots of what Mary Poppins wrote is something I could have written too. So firstly thanks to MP for her openness and also thanks to you for your reply. Lots to think about there and perfect timing with 2012 just round the corner...

Apologies for hijacking your posts MP
 
I'm the same as you, Dark Storm, in needing help with motivation but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of the reasons I lack motivation is to do with a lack of confidence in my ability i.e I'll be no good so why try ????
 
Hi welcome to the section.

When I get back on my pony again in the spring hopefully I will be wanting advice to help me get hacking alone again. I haven't ridden in 3 months due to trying to lose a few stone before I get back in the saddle. I will never be the most confident rider but I do love my ponies and try to push myself.
 
dragonfarmgirl said:
I'm the same as you, Dark Storm, in needing help with motivation but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of the reasons I lack motivation is to do with a lack of confidence in my ability i.e I'll be no good so why try ????
Click to expand...

The quality of our life has quite a lot to do with the quality of questions we ask ourselves. If you ask 'why' you can't do something, then your brain will set to work finding all the reasons 'why' you cant. Think of it like being two parts to the system here. There is a thinker and a prover. So; what the thinker thinks, the prover proves!

Successful confident people think differently. But it is nothing to do with 'who' they are, it is simply 'what' they do which is different. There are no confident people in the world or completely anxious people. When working with people complaining about having a lack of confidence, they always are very confident that they have a major problem... they will even argue with me... determined to prove themselves right...in reality there is nothing wrong with their ability to 'DO' confidence. They just got it switched on in the wrong direction.

Ask empowering questions. You wrote above.. 'I'll be no good so why try?'

All fear/anxiety/lack of confidence is a question. What did you answer? I bet you didnt, you just left it at that didnt you? :yellowcarded::wink:

Even if we take your original question and answer that one, we could come up with..

'Because I dont know the extent of my potential, and neither does anyone else, not even the experts. I have no idea how far and successful my riding could be, so why not go out there and keep persevering, seeking wisdom and applying it. If one person can overcome a confidence/skill challenge, then so can anyone else, me included. Like all things in life, when you learn something, it can take a while for it all to come together, and then one day it just clicks... and it all begins to flow and I would have regretted not trying if I had missed this great opportunity!' Everything I said above is true...Wouldnt you agree?

The reality of the situation is that we spend 99.99% of the time doing things in a completely confident manner, but we tend to focus on the .01% we are not doing confidently now, and then generalise that this is set in stone.

An empowering question is one which assumes that you do have some of what you already want in the first place. Take your riding, tell me one thing you do well. And don't say 'nothing!' :redcarded:

Right so a better question would be, "How could I be an even more confident rider than I already am?" What the thinker thinks, the prover proves. You should find if you sit quietly, just asking the question like this should produce a different feeling. Moreover, the beauty of asking questions like this, is that the brain will continue to search for the answers you ask for...handy tip: have a pen next to your bed, answers often come when we first awake before the internal chatter intrudes on your inner guru!:)
 
Hello Confidence Coach :wink: I know your work from first hand experience with two other NR members a few months ago.

I was reading Mary Poppins' thread with huge fascination because it could have been written by me before I met you! I also had a bolting incident and knew it was affecting me. I also have a degree in psychology and am a fully qualified and experienced therapist (psychotherapy) and I practise NLP and CBT..... but I was exactly like you MP.. I couldn't change my own mindset and I also had RIs yelling at me to get on with it blah blah blah.

CC helped me to rewrite my memory of the incident that was holding me back and I'm not kidding when I tell you that I actually remember it and LAUGH now... I've had to practise the techniques every time I rode since the confidence workshop but I did let CC know how well Prince and I were doing and tonight I'm using the same techniques to mentally prepare myself to moving to DIY tomorrow - my next big challenge in horsing :wink:

It does involve work from you but as someone with a good understanding of psychology already I think what CC says in terms of you being a small challenge is right - you will already be open to the value of what he does and you will understand that no matter how experienced or highly trained you may be in the field, you just can't "therapise" yourself.

I don't give myself a hard time anymore - I tell myself helpful things about what I'm doing with my horse and I don't go out riding if I'm having a day where I just can't be positive ( doesnt happen often but it isn't worth the risk of causing myself problems if I can't stick to my positive principles!!)

Really hope it works out for you as it has for us and I can highly recommend CC if you feel that's your pathway to enjoying Ben to the full. Either way, do keep us posted on your journey :biggrin: xx
 
As some of you may know I had a fall not long ago resulting in a very broken and redesigned wrist. I am still recovering from surgery and cannot drive for at least six weeks, so my contact with my pony will be limited until then.

I don't know if this eperience will give me the heebie geebies when I can ride again, and am totally prepared for it to take as long as I need, but what would be a good strategy in the meantime to prevent this becomming a complete confidence eater?
 
Yikes ! I wasn't really expecting a reply as didn't think it was that similar to proper confidence problems but you did reply, and extensively too, thank you.
In answer to to the question 'why try ?' I did come up with answer....'because it means everything to me' Thats why I will never give up, never.
For me it isn't riding thats a problem (though everyone tells me I ride better than I think :-(
My love is NH. I love learning and study several people with ideas similar to my own but I do alot of Parelli so alot of groundwork. My dream is to be able to read, understand, build real partnership, and communicate with my horses.
(eventually would love to ride bareback and bridleless but thats a long way off)
I have 3 lovely horses, a good yard with good facilities, and although I work away alot, when I'm home I can dedicate all my time to playing with my horses.
Why then do I hardly ever do more than hanging out with them in field or stable ? Why after 2 yrs have I hardly improved much at all ?
Because I'm scared of getting it wrong :-(
I don't want anyone to see me fail or laugh at me so much that I avoid trying in the first place !
I know it doesn't make sense to let other peoples opinion of me keep me from my dream, nevertheless, I do ! I am almost paralysed by it and hate myself for being so feeble.
Might also add last year I left an emotionally abusive relationship after 11 yrs of lies, manipulation, control, cruelty, critisism, mocking, taunting etc.....think it might have had a bit of an effect ??????
What am I good at ? Apart from eating chocolate ??? (still have my sense of humour :) I am good at loving my horses unconditionally, and accepting them for who they are.
What would make me a better NH'r ? Actually trying something might help !!!
I have actually made a small start by finding a better yard which is less formal, less smart, with lots of opportunities for practising NH and fewer physical restrictions. My aim is to try and eliminate all my 'excuses' one by one. Will be moving them sometime this month (but was awake for 3 hrs last night stressing about the actual move :-(
I see on your facebook page you do phone/skype coaching so might take you up on that.
 
I find it like a wall (mental block).. I can't get over it as it's too high, I can't get round it as it goes for miles.... and I get can't through it as it appears to be made of steel......
This was me a few weeks ago, I suffer this 'wall' quite a lot these days, it's not a lack of confidence though, it's getting myself through what appears to be blocking my way to a better way of riding..

We have come along way, and still have a long way to go..
 
Dark Storm said:
I find it like a wall (mental block).. I can't get over it as it's too high, I can't get round it as it goes for miles.... and I get can't through it as it appears to be made of steel......
This was me a few weeks ago, I suffer this 'wall' quite a lot these days, it's not a lack of confidence though, it's getting myself through what appears to be blocking my way to a better way of riding..

We have come along way, and still have a long way to go..
Click to expand...

There is a saying... 'Don't wish life was easier, wish you were better able to handle it' :wink:

My question to you is if you see the wall, which super hero would you have to be to overcome the wall, either through it, over it or around it?

'can't' is one of those four letter words we don;t really believe in. Is there someone else who could overcome this wall?..If so (and am sure the answer is yes) what would they believe, what would they do? ..then model them..:ninja:
 
dragonfarmgirl said:
Yikes ! I wasn't really expecting a reply as didn't think it was that similar to proper confidence problems but you did reply, and extensively too, thank you.
In answer to to the question 'why try ?' I did come up with answer....'because it means everything to me' Thats why I will never give up, never.
For me it isn't riding thats a problem (though everyone tells me I ride better than I think :-(
My love is NH. I love learning and study several people with ideas similar to my own but I do alot of Parelli so alot of groundwork. My dream is to be able to read, understand, build real partnership, and communicate with my horses.
(eventually would love to ride bareback and bridleless but thats a long way off)
I have 3 lovely horses, a good yard with good facilities, and although I work away alot, when I'm home I can dedicate all my time to playing with my horses.
Why then do I hardly ever do more than hanging out with them in field or stable ? Why after 2 yrs have I hardly improved much at all ?
Because I'm scared of getting it wrong :-(
I don't want anyone to see me fail or laugh at me so much that I avoid trying in the first place !
I know it doesn't make sense to let other peoples opinion of me keep me from my dream, nevertheless, I do ! I am almost paralysed by it and hate myself for being so feeble.
Might also add last year I left an emotionally abusive relationship after 11 yrs of lies, manipulation, control, cruelty, critisism, mocking, taunting etc.....think it might have had a bit of an effect ??????
What am I good at ? Apart from eating chocolate ??? (still have my sense of humour :) I am good at loving my horses unconditionally, and accepting them for who they are.
What would make me a better NH'r ? Actually trying something might help !!!
I have actually made a small start by finding a better yard which is less formal, less smart, with lots of opportunities for practising NH and fewer physical restrictions. My aim is to try and eliminate all my 'excuses' one by one. Will be moving them sometime this month (but was awake for 3 hrs last night stressing about the actual move :-(
I see on your facebook page you do phone/skype coaching so might take you up on that.
Click to expand...

Look forward to chatting with you!:D
 
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