Bullying

MrA

MrA

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Feb 8, 2012
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Can't believe I'm having to deal with this again really, you think universities would be on top of this sort of thing.

I was bullied pretty badly as a kid and all through school and think I still wear the mental scars really. What we are going through at uni isn't that bad really but it takes it toll over time.

I've made a nice little group of friends who I'm very grateful for but the class is very much split down the middle. Our group are seen as the nerdy group and the other half of the class are the cool kids. Couple of my friends have anxiety and this is getting to them alot more than myself, to the point that they sometimes have to leave lessons. But it does wind me up also.

Lessons at uni are quite contributory, you are supposed to speak up and answer and join in. When we open our mouths we get snide comments, sniggering, and personal things said about us.

Now some of my friends are joining in less which I don't like to see. Then we get comments from the cool kids such as 'theyre all so quiet, never answering anything, waste of space' etc.

I feel like turning round (they sit at the back being the cool kids and all that) and just saying to them what are you hoping to achieve with these comments. Personally I think it's pathetic, we are all even in that classroom, there to learn and gain knowledge from each other as well as the tutor.

Tutors are aware, nothing is being done from their side. I would like to do something to help my friends and myself feel more comfortable in class. But being incredibly shy and awkward I find standing up for us difficult.

Any advice?
 
That sounds a very unwelcoming space to be in and not one conducive to learning. I would raise your concerns in writing to your personal tutor who would then be obliged to look into what is happening in your classes. If you still get an unsatisfactory response, look at your university’s complaints policy and follow it. You can ask the Students Union officers for support also.
Hope you get this sorted.
 
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My advice is that all of you need to grow up. This is college, not school and you should all be old enough to behave in a civilised manner without needing tutors to step in. Why don't you turn round to them and say what you want? Maybe it would make them back off, but at the very least you've had your say. At some point you have to learn to deal with people for yourself, and I'm afraid that there will always be people like this - you cn't change them but you can change yourself.
 
carthorse said:
My advice is that all of you need to grow up. This is college, not school and you should all be old enough to behave in a civilised manner without needing tutors to step in. Why don't you turn round to them and say what you want? Maybe it would make them back off, but at the very least you've had your say. At some point you have to learn to deal with people for yourself, and I'm afraid that there will always be people like this - you cn't change them but you can change yourself.
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Is turning round to them and saying ' what you want' civilised? Feel like they are just going to tell me to eff right off. And don't think that will be at all productive really and just a waste of lesson time. I could try approaching them outside of class, hadn't really thought of that. But like I said I'm very shy and would find that very hard to do. I think they probably have zero respect for me and one of me against 7 of them I can't see it ending great.

We are currently just ignoring everything that's said and being polite so I think we are being civilised. I would just like to put a stop to it so we can just get on with the lessons and help my friends out.

I'm used to dealing with adults, I work in retail haha, just youths I'm not great with!
 
JayneW said:
That sounds a very unwelcoming space to be in and not one conducive to learning. I would raise your concerns in writing to your personal tutor who would then be obliged to look into what is happening in your classes. If you still get an unsatisfactory response, look at your university’s complaints policy and follow it. You can ask the Students Union officers for support also.
Hope you get this sorted.
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Thank-you, I don't think anything has been said in writing it's all just been informal meeting and chats so will talk to my friends about getting something in writing to send her. Hopefully can just get it explained that it's not acceptable to waste time like this in the classroom and all move on with our education!
 
I don't think you're being uncivilised Ale, just a pushover. If they do it in class then turn round to them and loudly say something on the lines of please be quiet, I'm trying to listen to the tutor - if that doesn't shut them up then maybe the tutor will take the hint and tell them to be quiet or leave. Or you could try as a group getting to class first and altering where you sit - either take the seats at the back, or all of one side, or even scatter yourselves around so the other group can't sit as a block and so may not be as brave.
 
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If they make comments while you are talking, look straight at them and say brightly “what?” If they don’t want to repeat themselves say “no, I’m happy to make this more of a discussion, what did you want to add?” Do it loudly and clearly and without showing embarrassment. Don’t let them get away with it.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is nasty, but asserting yourself over these types is a life skill. Don’t let them steal your opportunities for the education and the future that you want :).
 
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Are they a lot younger than you @Ale ? Don’t take any guff off them, if they are lots younger and don’t really want to be there, maybe just speak up and they will back off. How does the teacher deal with them? Why are they like that? Are they just there as part of their jobs and not by choice? You might be pleasantly surprised if you can assert some authority (even if you don’t feel particularly authoratitive) they might just need to pipe down a bit!
 
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If your friends are leaving lessons, they need to go to the right place in the uni for advice. It is your problem, but at the same time it is not your problem.

Plus if you are discussing and arguing with the teacher best to think how often and for how long so as not to take up more of the time than they may think you deserve. It must be hard for them as you have the experience and maturity they still dont have.

That isnt forgiving bullying but when one is best in the class it doesnt make for popularity.

OH and I were raised to be top of the class - I guess social skills and co-operation with others were neglected in those days..
 
Saying bite back at them is ok if you are confident, not everyone is, not everyone can make them selves feel confident, but it can be learned just like anything else, practise, believe, practise some more.
You could start practising with them next time they start.
I’m a confident person so have no qualms in telling people to do one. But it’s taken a lot of years for me to have that confidence, honestly @Ale
you can do it, what’s the worse that can happen really? You deal with half a ton of horse every day and cope just fine, you can easily deal with a couple of puny humans.
If you really can’t muster up the courage to face them then simply ignore them.
If they are disrupting your lectures then that is a different matter and your tutor needs to address that, you’re paying for an education and if you’re not getting it because of other student causing disruption she needs to get it sorted or remove them from the class.
 
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When you hit the menopause you can bite everything back and it's as natural as a breeze in the forest of trees. ;)

We have a yard bully, they are in everyone's business, usually mine. And what's interesting is usually its the bully who lacks confidence, suffers with anxiety and has the need to make themselves something they are not.
Whoever has the biggest mouth in the group has the biggest insecurities. On their own they won't say a word to you, they need support.

If you liken it to a horse, whoever has the biggest bite or kick is usually the most insecure in the herd, it's their defense. Mine can jolly well bite, but underneath she's putty and looks to me for support. Don't eat your support!
 
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Hahahaa, yes menopause changes stuff. Literally. Wait until you hit 50. No need to apologise for yourself / be shy / bother about most things in life. Just enjoy it and do your own thing - even if you still don't feel a day over 21 in your mind :p And if you want to dye your hair then do it! Lol gone off on a waffle there. @Ale I wish I could send you some confidence / anti bully thingies / annoying classmate vibes.
I think there has been some good advice on here. I hope that things improve for you.
 
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