Feeling Mega Guilty

fairlady

fairlady

New Member
Jul 14, 2007
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Bristol
When I decided to get back into riding I tried all sorts, part loan etc. which was not really going to work for me and then decided to just go and buy myself a horse. Tried several to no avail and then visited the Forest of Dean and fell hook line and sinker for a 15.1 Bay Pure Bred Arab. (sorry to those of you who already know this story). The lady who was selling him was desperate for me to have him and I agreed to have him on a months trial because he had always lived and been ridden in the Forest with next to no traffic, completely different set up to where I live in Bristol.

He was absolutely everything I was looking for and we bonded in an unbelievably short space of time, he totally took my breath away everytime he ran to me from wherever he was calling me.

As you know I am a great 'bonder' and took my time with him first couple of weeks, rode him out in company and although he was never relaxed and we had a few 'hairy moments' I thought that was only to be expected.

However when the day came to take him out on his own it was a nightmare, stopped the traffic (and lots of it) 6 times in a short space of road. He was absolutely petrified (I wasn't too excited bout it all either). After some long thought I decided to send him back, I had nothing but admiration for this horse and how he had dealt with everything I had thrown at him in company.
It was a difficult decision but one made much easier by the fact that I knew his original owner wanted him back but could not afford to pay the asking price of the lady I had bought him from. The lady I had bought him from was aware that the original owner wanted him and when I returned him I had sort of understood that she would sell him back to Ali and he would have the wonderful life he had had before, riding in the Forest. (sorry this is so long)

However when I took him back and she had put him in the field and given me my money back she told me that she was keeping him and putting him out on loan (he had just come back from being on loan when I bought him), I was pretty gutted but reassured that he was still going to be living in the Forest.
Ali his original owner was pretty gutted as well cos she really thought she was gonna get him back:)

I have as you know since bought Morse, however I have e mailed the lady and asked her how he was getting on, she did not reply.

To my shock and horror a friend has pointed out an ad in Saturdays paper, tonight, and he is now up for sale again, 2 months on. I am devastated, absolutely gutted, If I honestly had not thought I was doing the right thing for him at 10 years old I would NEVER have sent him back EVER, and would have worked on it, I feel that I have totally failed him, he does not deserve this, to be pushed from pillar to post. I really do not know what to do, it was never ever my intention to have two horses, I don't really have the time or the money, BUT ???
 
Oh dear FL.

What a horrible dilemma to be in. Can't believe she's done that, so not fair on horsey at all.

BUT... Can you devote the time to him to get through his traffic issues, as well as providing me with a laugh on here (selfish aren't i :p)?

Seriously though, don't buy him back out of guilt, there will be someone out there who will love him as much as you do/did, as well as his original owner.

But if you can put the guilt aside & still feel you can afford to take on another horse financially, physically & mentally then do so. (I'll add a case of bacardi to my next order:D)
 
HH, I really do not know what to do, I was so pig headed in stating and standing by the 'I am not going to compromise' on buying and keeping the right horse for what I needed, having been there with a few nutters in the past, and trying a few this time.:)

Looking back, he was fantastic with what I did put him thro. I put him over and under motorway bridges (busy ones) railway lines and bridges, even stood him on the bridge whilst a flammin train went under:) He had never seen any of this before. I wouldn't say he 'loved it' but I honestly think he had faith in me. The day I took him out on his own was extremely busy, first thing we met was men with ladders (which he didn't like) then the binmen in their scary truck, then 3 big lorries in a row, no wonder the poor boy freaked that was all in the space of 20 minutes, admittedley I did the same thing the next day (:)) with the same results but I would never have given up so easily if I had not thought he would end up back with Ali.

Don't get me wrong I love Morse, (Welsh Sec D) but I am an arab girl at heart, and if I am totally honest my heart is with this Arab in the Forest of Dean.
 
fairlady said:
HH,

I am an arab girl at heart, and if I am totally honest my heart is with this Arab in the Forest of Dean.
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He was absolutely everything I was looking for and we bonded in an unbelievably short space of time, he totally took my breath away everytime he ran to me from wherever he was calling me.
It sounds like there is more reason than megaguilt for you to get this horse back. What if you buy him back, and take things more slowly this time with exposing him to new situations. It sounds like you now recognize were demanding too much of him too soon.

You positively love the horse, and are probably going to feel awful if you find out he got sold to some unsuitable situation.
If after giving him every chance, you still feel like he's too unreliable or whatever, maybe you could sell him to Ali, or at least you could handpick the situation he went to next (although of course we never can control where they ultimately go once they're sold.)
If you love this horse so much (and I know how Arabs can steal your heart, it's happened to me) maybe you should think about getting him back, and going from there.
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I have been thinking long and hard about this situation all night, until I felt quite physically sick to be honest. I have spoken with Ali once again this morning and she tells me that she has once again offered to buy him back, she says she hasn't got the money but would have found it. Bear in mind she owned him since a 1 year old and did all sorts with him before this other lady bought him as a 7 year old. The only reason Ali sold him was that her Mare had cancerous sarcoids and it was to help pay for the operation/rehabilitation.

This is the third time Ali has offered to buy him back, once when the other ladies marriage broke up, once just before I had him, and now. She has offered £200 below the asking price which is still good money for him as he will need a lot of work, as I found out, he has been at several loan homes, and whilst I have nothing against that, nothing has really been done with him for whatever reason, but Ali has been turned down each time, flat.

He would, if I am totally honest, have a much nicer life with Ali, in the Welsh hills, by the forest, no main roads, heavy traffic etc, and back to his proper Mum. But, in a way understandably so, Ali is saying she will not pay the asking price on principal because to a certain extent she feels 'her horse' has been ruined:)

I don't know what to do, realistically I am 50, working full time shift work, in what can be a very demanding job, financially I would be struggling a bit to pay for two horses to do a 'proper' job of it, time wise I would be pushed to the limit, but still there is this little voice in my head saying 'go for it':)

The other option is to put Morse up for sale, but I can't really bear to think about that either, its not his fault, he has settled in really well, yes we have a few 'issues' but he is a baby and I fully expect that:) He spent his first night in the stable last night having been wormed and was Mr Chilled when I got there this morning, so all those 10 minutes popping him in the stable well paid off.

Everyone at the yard (well all 3 of them) think I am nuts, and my friend re-iterated that she thought I had done a fantastic job with the Arab whilst I had him, not pushing him too much, riding him totally sympathetically and said she was actually very impressed with the way I had dealt with it all, which is nice, but of course the day came I had to try him on his own because the trial period was nearly up and 'the lady' would not extend it:)and yes truth of the matter lh-sc is that I would not have attempted that for at least a few more weeks had I had the time.

I cannot ring 'the lady' at the moment because I am angry and will say far more than I either intend or really have the right to say. I am half tempted to put a cheque in the post for the £200 and post it to her with a note telling her not to be so bloody selfish and let him go back where he should be with someone who genuinely loves him and to stop being a money grabbing bitch.:)

So there that is how I feel at the minute:eek:
 
P.S. She also has him advertised as a happy hacker. Yes he is, in the Forest of Dean, where you could ride him for miles with no traffic and he is as happy as larry, however potentially very dangerous in other situations, that has really peeved me off as well.
 
What an awful situation- I've been wondering what you will do, I guess you are still undecided. Just wanted to send you (((hugs))) from Slovenia and to say trust yourself to make the right decision - I always find that decisions make themselves after a few days. Good luck.
 
Thankyou:) Deep down I am doubting if I am doing the right thing by him having him back, what if I cannot bring him round, what if I have not got the knowledge to do it, what then
 
Of course I don't know anything about you really, but from the way you write I would certainly think you have the skills or, and this is the important bit, if you felt you didn't you would go and get advice/help from someone who did.
 
I can't believe the current owner keeps turning the original one down...

Maybe she would accept the lesser amount from you and you can then pass back to Ali? Does she have a problem with admitting "defeat" to Ali do you think?
 
please dont feel guilty. You are obviously a very caring person and you care deeply about this horse. However you gave him a fair trial and he was unsuitable - you cant compromise your health or happiness just to give a horse a home. Yes he is up for sale at the moment but who knows he could go to a fantastic home (fingers crossed!) he hasnt been mistreated or moved around too much .
I am a bit shocked at the lady refusing to sell him back to original owner that is really strange!? (has Ali offered the asking price yet though? She obv loves the horse so I doubt 200 pounds would make much difference to her?)
its also concerning that she is advertising him as a happy hacker. I wish there was something you could do in that respect as otherwise someone else could end up buying him, bonding with him and having to send him back!- or worse still have a road accident. Its so frustrating I can just hope he gets a good home!
 
I know you are right, my 'outspoken' best friend has just rung me after I txt her about this, and how torn I was (She was the one who came out with me the first day I took him out on his own, bless her, and ended up putting him on a leadrope!!)

Anyway she has told me 'get over it' these things happen and he may go as you said to a fantastic home, but that this one was not for him. She only said to me yesterday, cos she came down to see Morse, that she could feel that the same bond was not there as had been with this Arab, however, she has just reminded me that at the end of the day I sent the Arab back for a reason, and as much as I had loved and bonded with him, the reasons were right, albeit made easier because I was thinking that he was going back to Ali.

She also said that as much as I would like to pussyfoot and gloss around the issues, she had been there that day and saw exactly what and how things had transpired, and thought I had done everything I could to keep him calm. She also said (bless her) 'you think the worst thing that could happen with him is you could die:) BUT surviving a nasty accident with him could be much much worse, for you':)

And thats why I love my outspoken friend, and miss her like hell, cos she doesn't live in Bristol anymore, she tells it like it is:)

She told me straight with my Thoroughbred, and she has come up trumps again. I would be buying him back for all the wrong reasons, yes we bonded, yes he was beautiful (I thought so anyway) yes I loved him for that, still do and probably when I think of him in the future, still will:)

I hope 'the lady' sees sense and he goes back to Ali, I doubt it, so all I can do is hope he finds a fantastic home with someone who loves him like I did, albeit for a short while, and that he can ride through a forest or woods somewhere and be happy and they admire him for his grace and beauty, as I did. Decision made.
 
FL,

you have had such a decision to make, & i really admire you for making it so quickly.

Lets hope he ends up somewhere brill (maybe back with Ali, so you can 'keep in touch'). It's horrible when you bond with a horse & it doesn't work out for whatever reason, & you will keep wishing you hadn't sold him back, but there is someone out there for him. Honestly!! :)

And as for that lady, well, lets hope she gets what she deserves - naff all :rolleyes:

Some people shoudn't be allowed round horses! :mad:
 
This evening I know I have made the right decision. I sent the Arab back for all the right reasons, albeit thinking he would go back to Ali.

I really am not in a position to have two horses, without adding a lot more stress to my life, let alone two horses that will need so much work, one being a youngster and one with traffic issues. I would be being totally selfish to bring the Arab back here, knowing he could not cope with the traffic levels, trying to then acclimatise him, and quite honestly at 10 not knowing if it would happen.

My first love is Arabs, however, when I met Morse, I liked him enough to buy him. Its true the immediate bond is not there, as it was with the Arab, I would be lying though my teeth if I said it was. However we are getting there. Yes, he is bolshy, nippy, pushy, but he is clever and he also makes me laugh.

Today I had to put him back out in his big field, his field mate had gone out hacking and I had initially turned him out in the small paddock whilst mucking out etc cos he was in, as were all the others, for worming last night.

I called him and he totally ignored me, he was talking to the other two horses over the fence and they were all nippy, nippy, playing and squealing.

I called him, nothing, but I knew he was watching me out of the corner of his eye, I called and kept walking, nothing, however, as soon as I disappeared through the gate and behind the hedge I heard him 'take off':) He came belting through the gate looking for me and came up all prancey dancey as if to say 'yeah here I am, what we gonna do then':)

We then spent a happy hour, playing with and chasing a stick, and me sitting on the big log whilst he grazed happily beside me, sniffing, nipping, pushing at me in between me telling him off:) Now he had quite happily left the other horses to come and find me, so I guess the bond is forming.

I bought him, like him, and owe it to him now to carry on, he is my boy:)
 
He, He it doesn't matter because believe me on the night of hearing about the Arab and the night of deciding NOT to buy him back, I drank enough for both me and Morse:)

Thankyou to all of you for helping me make this decision, it helped just to be able to ramble on:) (no change there then :eek:)
 
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