Family dilema... am i being selfish??

pinkypug1

Member
Sep 16, 2007
801
6
18
Northern Ireland
For you members who have a family give me some advice!
I am mum to a 10 month old baby & am going back to work full time in January 9-5pm 30min drive away. I currently have a mare & foal out 24/7 so i havnt had to give much time to the horses as mare is not in work (30mins a day including traveling to them). I am however hoping to wean foal & bring mare back into work end of January time. OH is giving me a bit of a hard time telling me i wont have time to devote to a horse who is stabled DIY & also the foal who will be at grass along with work and having family time! :cry:

Is he right? am i being selfish or can it realisticly be done whilst still having quality time with my young son & OH?? How do you all do it??
 
Gosh you have got your hands full :wink:

I have a family although my girls are now 13 and 17 and will also have a horse in DIY stabling from January. I left full time work in May this year because I just couldn't be available for them, run a home and look after us all (horse included). Funny how when they get older they need you just as much but in different ways - but I was waaaaay too tired to really notice and do what was needed... so we saw an increase in rows etc :help:

BUT I don't think you're being "selfish" - maybe the opposite is true and you are trying to best meet the needs of everyone you love (horses included).

If I were you I think I would be thinking more about pacing myself back into full time work and running the family and then see how bringing your mare back into work fits with that...? But that's just me.

I feel for you, really I do. Good luck with whatever you do :smile:
 
So you'd finish work at 5pm and do the horse and ride. What time would you get in and what time would you finally get to sit down and have quality time with your family?

Do you think that's enough.
 
Kind of, he is right. Hate to say it, but I think realistically he is. I work full time, 9 - 5. I am up at 6am every morning and bath and am at the yard by 7am. By the time I have turned out, mucked out and home it is 8am (20 min drive to yard). I leave work at 5pm and at yard for 5.45. Then home, cook supper and collapse into bed.

So, with a baby as well .......... am not sure how easy it will be for you.

Is there any chance you could work part time? I very much envy people who either work a bit from home, or work part time. I think it is the best of both worlds. You may be busy then at times, but it would make life easier for you.
 
Thanks for all your repiles and honesty! It is full time as it is my final placement from my final year of uni so 4 soild months of full time work. I will then graduate and be looking and getting my full time social work career on the go so no real option for part time work. Hopefully when i find a full time job when im qualified it will be closer to home so not 50mile round trip commute.

I hate the thought of giving up my horses (21 solid years of riding/owning) so it is my life but all things considered 30mins a night with my little boy/OH just isnt really enough!

One day we hope to have the horses at home again but that 2-4years off so maybe in the meantime i will have to be content with keeing them out 24/7 and be a happy hacker at weekends with no more competing :cry:
 
Sorry but I think your OH is right. But you can't be dictacted to by some people over the internet, some people I know have done it - But they are run ragged and always tired. Something has to give and for the time being just think that your horses are on reduced hours basis than before. At least your not having to give them up (((hugs)))

I've kept mine, through having a baby and she's now 2 and half :)eek: ) but I have a supportive hubby who also has a horse so care doesn't exclusively fall to me, and the horses lifestyles had to change in order for us to keep them. For us everything is about flexibility, both the dogs and the horses have to be flexible - horses are out 24/7 (cheaper and healthier for them anyway) stable is there but only when we need it. Where there is a will there is a way :)

So you might not compete for awhile - at least you'll still have your mare and foal for cuddles :)
 
Yeah I think I would be delaying bringing her back until after the placement - as much for my sanity as for the time spent with family. Weekend riding is nice, Tis what we do.

Only you know how you wi cope, but for me I think I would end up stressed, guilt ridden and crying a lot - I do that now and that's only trying to split time betweent horses/dog/oh/work/rest of famiy!!!
 
Have you thought of getting a sharer, and splitting the days? If you reach a compromise where you get 3/4 days a week with your horse and being able to ride, then at least your getting some quality time, and having more time with your family too..
 
Oh poor you. It's so tough when you want to do so much but only have so many hours in the day.

I think it sounds as though it could be too much. I've only just made enough time to keep a horse DIY now that I work part time and my youngest has started preschool 2 mornings a week. But having said that, everyone is different. My friend who keeps her 2 horses with Tango, is amazing. She was up at the stables on the day she gave birth, both times and never missed a day. She has since split from her husband (who helped a lot) and she still manages to hold down 2 part time jobs, 2 horses, being a single parent of 2 children under 5, and studying at University. I couldn't do it - and am amazed at how she does - but that's not to say it can't be done.

I would however, urge you not to make any kind of decision just yet. Start work and THEN see what time you have, how much energy you have, how your family are coping with the change etc etc. If you make a decision now, you might find it's unrealistic and then you'll feel disappointed and upset.

One day at a time....

But also - I agree with Shetlander and don't think you are being selfish, you are just trying to fit everything in - if possible.
 
Thanks so much for all your replies... ive been thinking long and hard and will keep them where they are for the time being. Little one will have a great child minder who is a good family friend & OH is self employed so is pretty flexible but i do want to spend as much time with him as i can when im not working so the horses can continue to take a back seat.

The idea of a sharer hadnt crossed my mind but i will look into it as shes a cracker & loves to be out and about competing so would be a nice prospect for someone to enjoy :biggrin:

Hate admitting that my very sensible, relastic OH is right.... off to admit defeat & make him very smug lol
 
I've done the social work degree, and TBH the last placement was really hard work on its own, never mind with a baby and horses as well. I presume you'll also be doing your dissertation? and portfolio, and essays?

If it was me I would leave bringing the mare back into work, not even think about it until you've graduated.

BTW welcome to Social Work, what area are you going to specialise in?
 
Oh I admire all of you who work or study or both and have young children and horses, and keep your OH happy! God knows how you achieve it all.
I have always worked since children were babies, full time, but could not consider combining that with my own horse till they were uni bound, which they are now, thanks goodness.
Well done you, and I think the advice you have had is pointing you in the right direction. Very best wishes for your degree, I am sure you will do just fantastically xxx
 
like the others i think you would be too frazzled to do justice to all of it so i would park the horses till the summer and find a sharer to take some of the pressure off you. so you can poodle a bit but not have to do everything.

I work full time, but i am lucky i keep mine at home, so i can fit it in better and i work from home so i don't commute. Years ago I worked up in London and used to be on the 730am each morning - the horses were chucked out at 6am, mucked out, everything ready for bringing them in when i got home at 7-730pm, only had time in winter to do much at weekends. I wonder now how I managed to do it all!

I think you can keep the horses, i.e. not get shot of them, but find other ways of managing them as your baby is only going to be that age once and do you want to miss out on so much of that time?
 
I was at uni, pre-school daughter, split up from father, working part-time - and horses were the only thing that kept me sane. Literally. At times I was 5 seconds from doing my daughter serious harm (long story, not proud of it) but to be able to go and just watch the horses was enough. I didn't get time to ride often, but just being able to look after them was good. My daughter came with me in a back-pack, which had a stand built in so I put her somewhere safe where she could sit in it and watch me and the horses.

I also had a youngster I had bred, and she ended up being weaned late - it didn't seem to damage her - quite the opposite I would say.

A few years later I had twins, this time stayed with the father! so had more support, but even so the horses had to take a back seat for quite a long time - but again having them around was sooo important to me and my sanity. Even if I could only get out for a hack once a month, it was enough to be around them and looking after them.

I think you have come up with a good compromise in looking for a sharer - that way you still get to be involved with them, but have some help in the work load, especially if they can't be out 24/7.

Despite the horse being so important to me, I am also aware that babies don't stay babies for long, and if you miss too much of those early years, you don't get them back - however, without horses, I fear I would have been a really evil mother:help:


ETA to add - I did survive - right now I have 3 happy teenage children, a happy OH, a full time job, 3 horses and a pony, who are in at night, out during the day, and hunt/compete most weekends. I do sleep well, but my house isn't as tidy as my stables, and I haven't used an iron for years!
 
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On the flip side i have two young children age 4 and 7 and have had a horse since my son was about 6 months old.

I now have 2 which i managed to do things with and still have quality time with my family.

I don't think you are being selfish, i work full-time, study part-time doing my degree, have two horses on DIY livery and two young children. It's about finding the right balance. Winter is always difficult because of the dark nights and miserable weather but Summer time makes up for it.

I think getting my kids outside doing things with the horses etc is far better for them than sitting infront of a games console playing games all day!

Weekends i make sure there is day we do things as a family away from the horses and it is always the kids choice.

I have made a lot of sacrifices in my life and i'm sure as hell not giving up my horses unless there was a real need for it financially.
 
its very difficult to juggle work, children and horse but do-able.

The only thing being work, is there not a chance you could cut your hours to part time? Not sure of your childcare arrangements but childcare is not cheap, and would it work out better for you financially? Mon-friday 9-5, 2 horses and family life will be difficult for you IMHO.

I am mum to a 20 month old, plus I have 2 horses on DIY (one being a youngster). I also work a 30 hour week with occasional overtime. I honestly think the only way I manage to do it is because I work 12 hour shifts - so get several days off to be at home.

perhaps consider loaning out your mare while you concentrate on your foal, or get a sharer? Or if finances allow perhaps going on full/assisted livery.
 
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