New sharer and anorexia, advice please

Jane&Ziggy

Jane&Sid these days!
Apr 30, 2010
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Hello all. I am exploring the possibility of a sharer for Ziggy. I have met a young lady recently who is very experienced - she has managed a small local yard, given lessons, and ridden everything - but who has had a break from riding and is looking for a pony to share while she gets her riding legs back. She can't afford to pay but I don't mind that.

She talks about "having been ill" and "having lost her confidence". She sayd, "I was hospitalised for a while last year". She is a scrap of a thing and it is clear to me from her Facebook page that what hospitalised her was near-fatal anorexia.

I don't know much about this condition and I don't know how to tell her that I know what the problem was. Should I just wait and let her tell me? Is there anything I should beware of? She seems very fragile and I know I can bounce all over people sometimes - I don't want to upset her or set her recovery back. Any ideas, experience, guidance for me?
 
Personally I wouldn't let on that you know. If she wanted you to know she would have told you and given that, for many, anorexia is about control I'd leave the ball in her court.

It's such a complex illness and without knowing "why" she became anorexic there isn't much advice I could suggest that will help you. I'd say that until she says otherwise you should just treat her as you treat anyone else. Perhaps avoid any comments about her being small and fragile looking and instead focus on how she works with Ziggy. Horses are very therapeutic.

I had a friend in high school who was hospitalised with anorexia, another who suffered from it because she had a fear of throwing up and I have suffered from eating disorders myself (not to the point of requiring hospitalisation). I found that just being "normal" with my friends was the best thing. If they wanted to talk about it they would but the last thing they wanted or needed to hear was that they were skinny or hear comments about what they were or were not eating. I know that for myself I just wanted people to focus on my other achievements rather than on being as small as I was. It was my perfectionist attitude that got to me really and I had to learn that it was ok to make mistakes and that no one is perfect. Horses are great for that. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist but I've just changed the way I respond to my "failings".
 
Jane, I don't think she could ask for a better person to share with, nor a pony to love than you two.

I would be upfront and honest, but reassuring if the topic is bought up - but otherwise just be you - you are very approachable, warming and caring. In addition, ziggy is affectionate and has a lot of character, a pony that will respond to her and progress with her which will build confidence in time...

:)
 
People with anorexia are vulnerable to relapse but are not vulnerable in general. In fact the classic personality type is driven, controlled, perfectionistic and high achieving. So I don't think you need to tiptoe around her or treat her as fragile. Her getting stuck into normal activities will be very good for her.
 
Thank you for the advice and kind words!

We tacked the boy up and took him out on the long reins. This was quite an achievement for her as she has never long reined outside a school before but she did it like a pro. Ziggy was his normal self, but good, if you see what I mean: I think L has a sense of discipline about her which he responds well to.

I hopped up and rode him for a bit and offered to her to have a sit, and she tried, but only went 50 yards before she said she was too anxious to continue. So we agreed to leave riding until Thursday, when I have a lesson and she can be in the school, her comfort zone.

She said she had had a 'bad week". Her mother confided to me that it had been very bad, and that she had had to be readmitted to hospital briefly. But she loved taking Ziggy out and was glowing at the end of it. She said "Horses are so therapeutic" and they are - he is such a sweetie.

He was walking a bit short on his right hind leg today. I have the chiro coming tomorrow, I think he has pulled it in the mud. I gave him an extra leaf of hay and left him in the field polishing his halo :)
 
It sounds like it's going well! You sound like the most fabulous person to share with too - well done you :) X
 
It's not something that should affect her care of Ziggy (unless she gets re-hospitalised) so I'd just wait for her to feel she knows you well enough to share. But also, if you are friends on FB, then it's safe to assume she knows you will have checked her out for trustworthyness and suitability so if her condition is blatantly over her page, she may just also assume that you know and doesn't feel she needs to tell you again.
 
My housemate in my first house share at uni suffered from anorexia. I didn't realise at first and even when I found her eating habits strange I didn't say anything. She later told me that I had really helped her by behaving normally around her and not focussing on her habits. She said that in the early days she used to try and mirror my eating habits by eating breakfast at the same time and copying what I was eating in the evening. She had been hospitalised, been through months of family therapy and had a difficult time living at home with her parents who were obviously very worried about her. Her parents had very high expectations of her and her way of coping with the stresses was to control her food intake. She was tiny, her wrists were at least half the size of mine and the top of her legs were the same as my calves.

We were great friends, but she didn't openly discuss her anorexia with me for at least 6 months after we met. She hated people commenting on her figure and found it difficult to eat in front of people. It was very personal to her and it was something that was always on her mind. She felt very confused. She knew that she needed to eat and she understood that the lack of food was damaging her body, but she had to force down every mouthful. I can't imagine how it would feel to not enjoy food and even be fearful of it.
 
My housemate in my first house share at uni suffered from anorexia. I didn't realise at first and even when I found her eating habits strange I didn't say anything. She later told me that I had really helped her by behaving normally around her and not focussing on her habits. She said that in the early days she used to try and mirror my eating habits by eating breakfast at the same time and copying what I was eating in the evening. She had been hospitalised, been through months of family therapy and had a difficult time living at home with her parents who were obviously very worried about her. Her parents had very high expectations of her and her way of coping with the stresses was to control her food intake. She was tiny, her wrists were at least half the size of mine and the top of her legs were the same as my calves.

We were great friends, but she didn't openly discuss her anorexia with me for at least 6 months after we met. She hated people commenting on her figure and found it difficult to eat in front of people. It was very personal to her and it was something that was always on her mind. She felt very confused. She knew that she needed to eat and she understood that the lack of food was damaging her body, but she had to force down every mouthful. I can't imagine how it would feel to not enjoy food and even be fearful of it.

That's very helpful MP, thank you. I have to say that if there's one thing in the world I cannot conceive or understand, it's anorexia. So this may be good learning for me!
 
I taught a girl to ride who was severly anorexic. She worried me by her frailty but her parents briefed me to teach her as normal just watching her for signs of exhaustion and making sure she rode horses that would not take any strength as although she was 18 she was only about 5 stone. She turned into a lovely soft rider and we never discussed her illness apart from her complaining occasionally she could not ride as she had to go to hospital . She loved to talk 'horse' and eventually her parents bought her a horse of her own which seemed to help her stay well to look after him.
 
What a nice thing to do Jane to accept her ' as she is' if that makes sense? I hope she can find some solace in being back round horses again.
 
Gosh well, I was very shocked the day after we went around on the long reins to be accosted in the field by one of the other liveries telling me "That girl is a nightmare".

Apparently she has asked about a lot of the other horses up for share locally (all of whose owners require set days for riding and a substantial financial contribution). She is "unreliable" because she can't promise always to ride on the agreed day, she can't afford a contribution (which I knew) and her mother is intrusive and difficult.

Personally, I feel this attitude is a bit unkind. I know she has no money. I can see she is wholly overdependent on her mother. That's a problem, for sure, but it isn't my problem. If she will love my pony, ride him in the school and take him out for some long rein exercise, that's great for me. If he is her therapy, that's great for her. I'm prepared to give it a go.
 
I really hope it works out for everyone involved Jane. :);) Horses have always been my therapy when I've been in some dark places.
 
Yes, I think I would make the same choice. I tend to give people benefit of the doubt, take in what others say- but allow folk to prove themselves for what they are. Perhaps she has been a nightmare in the past who knows? but given her condition I dont expect it has been easy for her, and people are allowed mistakes - whos perfect anyway?. If she lets you down then hey ho, you havent been the bad person.
 
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Fingers crossed for it all working out :)

I guess if it works out you may well find the over dependency on mum entangled with the original reasons for the anorexia beginning - it's usually when life is felt to be out of control and controlling eating is one of the few things that someone can control. Perhaps mum and dad split and there is a fear of this deep down, or perhaps she feels she might make go backwards in her rehab if mums not there to supervise her or perhaps mum is very controlling. All speculative but I hope it works out for both of you
 
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